Chapter Two: Wayward Yearnings of the Lost Sons of a Generation

“We must not be spotted in this darkness, 9-Volt!” cautioned the hooded man with glowing bright eyes and shiny glowing magnificent angel wings who was holding a briefcase.

9-Volt said nothing, but nodded in confirmation.  ”You’re sure I’ll find him here?”  He asked, slipping through the rocky coast as the thunderous rainfall crashed down upon the two.

“Of course you will!” the figure said.  ”The war is over, friend.  The chosen one has chosen to spend the rest of his days rotting on his throne at a place called… Tower Rock!”

“And why,” 9-volt asked, “Do they call it… Tower Rock?”

The figure halted.  Through the haze, they could see the shadowy indication of a massive structure jutting out of the ocean.  The figure grinned.  ”It is called Tower Rock because… it’s literally a tower on top of a rock.”

The rain cleared.  The structure was a tower on top of a rock.

“Oh,” said 9-Volt.

The shadowy figure hopped down to a small boat that was tied up to the shore.  He began untying it.  ”Make you business brief and be as clear as possible, boy!  The chosen one is a very… impatient man, you see.”

“I don’t have much to ask him…” 9-volt said.  He pulled out the remains on a bloody super leaf and stared at it with INTENSE RAGE that he’s just been building up for so long.  ”I just want to know about my father.  During the war he disappeared, and for years I’ve-“

“That’s super,” the  figure interrupted.  ”Now go, I have places to be.  I’m super busy!” He began to leave.

“Wait,” 9 Volt said.  ”Just… just who are you anyway?”

The figure chuckled.  ”I’m… just a shadowy figure, kid.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Who I am or… who I was, none of that matters now.  All you need to understand is that I am neither friend nor foe, just a servant to the shadows.  Was I somebody once?  Possibly…  Weren’t we all somebody once?  But no, not me.  I am nobody.  I am nothing.  I just… am. In the end, I have no identity.”

“You sound a lot like Chuck Quizmo.”

Chuck Quizmo stood in silence for a several minutes, not making eye contact.  ”I’m… Uh, I’m definitely not Chuck Quizmo…” he mumbled.  They said nothing for several more minutes and then he just left.

9-volt looked at the tower before him.  It was big and scary and covered in spikes and there was lightning and there were statues and it was shooting fire from some places and there were machine guns and giant sawblades it was super cool. “I’ve finally found you,” 9-Volt muttered.  He clutched the super leaf tightly and accidentally got cape power and  then he stepped in the boat and crossed the Waters of Madness.

The door to the tower opened with a soft, muffled CREEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK.  9-Volt climbed two thousand flights of stairs and finally reached the peak of the tower.  Inside, there was lit fireplace and a figure sitting before it.  He could see a golden hook and a pair of mouse ears.  The record player was softly playing the item minigame theme from Mario Party 3.

“What is your name?” the mysterious character asked.

“I am Nine Volt, from house… uh, Wario Ware Mega Microgame$ for the Gameboy Advance,” 9-Volt said.  ”I’m to understand you… fought in the war.”

The hook began tapping on the armchair impatiently.  ”Aye, boy,” the man said.  ”Aye, I fought in the war.  Aye, the best years of my life I gave to that cause.  And what of it!?”

9-Volt approached the man.  ”Who are you?” Nine Volt asked.  ”Just who is the man behind… the chosen one?”

The chair swiveled around and the man was now facing the boy.  It was Wario!!!  He was wearing mouse ears and holding a golden hook.

“BAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!” Wario laughed.  ”Expecting somebody else, were we?”

“No, I pretty much… had no idea who the chosen one was,” 9-Volt said.  ”Why are you wearing mouse ears and holding a golden hook.”

“Are you serious?” Wario said.  ”You didn’t think I was Mouser?”


“You don’t even know Mouser!?”

“I have never heard of Mouser.”

Wario was absolutely devastated because he had worked so hard on his costume.  ”I’m… still going to wear the ears,” he said.

“That’s fine,” said 9 volt.

“So,” Wario began, stroking his magnificent wizard beard and taking a sip of his magnificent wizard beer.  ”Why have you come here, kid?  And make it quick… there’s a storm on the horizon, you know.”

“A storm on the horizon?” Nine volt asked.  ”But the war is over, isn’t it?  The kingdom is at peace and it’ll be that way forever and ever and ever!”

Wario laughed heartily. “BAAAHAHAHAA!!  Foolish child!  Even as we speak, the Shadow Koo is preparing to make their move!  It won’t be long now before this whole shebang starts all over again!”  He tried to drink his beer but slipped and spilled it all over his beard.

9-Volt looked at the sad display before him.  ”And what, you’re just going to sit here in your ugly tower and wait it out?”

“Hey!” Wario yelled.  ”My tower is awesome!”

“What a joke,” 9 Volt scoffed, stepping carefully through piles upon piles of crazy grape juice bottles.  ”What happened to you?  I thought you were the chosen one!”

“Chosen one… right,” Wario chuckled.  ”Do you know what it means to be the chosen one, kid?  It means you run around trying to tell people that you’re the chosen one and they laugh and laugh and laugh and nobody cares!  You know what?”  He pulled a magnificent glowing star stone out of his beard and threw it at 9-Volt who lost his cape power when it him.  ”Here ya go!  Now you’re the chosen one!”

“But… but the prophecy said-“

“PROPHECY!??!?!?!!?” Wario said.  ”Prophecy shmophecy!  You have the stone, you’re the chosen one!  That’s how it works!  Have fun!  Now get out of my sight, I want nothing more to do with kingdoms or wars or dark prophecies or crazy organizations… I just… I just want to sit here in peace, dammit.  All I ever wanted was to be a funny money man who loved garlic…  But everybody started killing each other and everything got out of control!  That’s the kind of world we’ve made.  Where in that world is there room for a man like me?”  A tear rolled down his cheek and he took a long drink from his beer.

“Yikes,” 9 Volt said.  ”Alright, if you wish me to be the new chosen one, I… I accept my role with honor and dignity.  I shall not let you down!”

Wario did not say a word, nor did he look at the boy or his stupid helmet.  He was staring at a photo of Waluigi.  His mind was someplace far, far away.

“Fine, if this is the sort of life you want to lead…  I’ll leave you to it” Nein Volt said, opening the door and stepping out.  ”But before I go… I need to know… what happened to my father?”

“He died,” Wario said.

“…o… oh.”

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