Ashley was careful in carrying her ceremonial torch through the weathered halls of Luigi’s Mansion. The robes in which her new employers had adorned her were a menacing shade of bright magenta, decorated in a neon green color with symbols representing two shut eyes. Not that Ashley ever cared about fashion, but she thought this getup was a little ridiculous.
At her side, dressed similarly and carrying a torch of his own, was Ludwig von Koopa. While Ashley had managed to maintain her composure, Ludwig was very obviously a bundle of nerves. He knew that one little slip up could cost him his life, and his hands were shaking profusely as the two proceeded up the staircase and up towards the rooftop where the ceremony was taking place.
“You’re new here too, right?” Ludwig whispered. “I’ve heard stories about these guys… insane stories…”
“Stop talking to me,” Ashley said.
“I had this brother, Larry?” Ludwig continued anyway. “Well, he sneezed in the middle of their ceremony and… and I heard he…” Ludwig shook his head, tears leaking from his eyes. “God, they don’t even know where his head ended up…”
“Stop talking to me,” Ashley repeated, not listening to a word of it.
“And that’s not all!” Ludwig shouted, leaning in towards Ashley as the Luigi’s Mansion ghosts tried really hard to spook them. “These loonies are trying to open up… you know… the door! You heard me right, they actually want it open! Didn’t they hear what happened last time? Between you and me, I’m just here to avenge my brother! I’m gonna find out what they did to him, see? And I’m… I’m gonna bring down this whole organization!”
“Stop it,” Ashley groaned. “Just, stop saying things.” There was nothing in the world she cared about less than what Ludwig had to say.
Finally the two of them reached the old wooden door, behind which a terrifying ritual was taking place. Ludwig suddenly froze, his face as white as the spooky ghosts who were throwing banana peels at them trying to get some kind of reaction. He gulped, reaching out to hold Ashley’s hand. “W-w-we’re in this together… got it?”
Ashley opened the door without taking his hand and witnessed a circle of cloaked individuals, all of them quietly chanting the word “Koo”. Chef Torte lay at the middle of the circle, beaten to a pulp and with his hands tied to his back. In front of him stood the menacing figure of Major Burrows, draped in a fine magenta suit and wearing a neon green fedora. He was wielding what Ashley immediately recognized as the Parasol of Death.
“Poor chef,” Major Burrows frowned, twirling the Parasol of Death playfully just in front of Torte’s face. With each spin, Chef Torte winced in fearful anticipation. “You could have worked with us… Things could have turned out so differently… “
“Zis vas a mistake,” growled Chef Torte, laying in a puddle of his own blood. “Apprentice ist beyond saving… I should have realized it sooneir…”
“On the contrary, my dear chef…” Major Burrows smiled. “Your dear apprentice is enjoying the paradise which awaits us all behind the door. And we will all join him soon! Unfortunately for you, however…” He pressed the tip of his parasol against Torte’s forehead.
DON’T DO IT MAJOR BURROWS.
But it was too late. With one twirl of the Parasol of Death, Chef Torte’s head was teleported to the Chaos Realm. His body fell lifeless on the ground. The aforementioned chanting of the word “Koo” grew louder and more intense. Ashley and Ludwig proceeded towards the circle as they had rehearsed so many times before.
Major Burrows smiled a warm smile upon seeing them enter. “My children, you have come at just the right moment,” he welcomed the two. “Come, light the pillars and help guide this foolish soul to the Chaos Realm.”
But Ludwig was too nervous and his palms were sweaty and he fumbled with his torch and ended up dropping it on the ground and then he tripped on his robes and landed on the torch and his robes caught on fire and he had to struggle to get out of them and he bumped into Dodo who was just minding his own business and it created a domino effect that knocked over every member in the circle and totally interrupted the ceremony.
Ashley walked up to her pillar and lit it no problem because she’s not a fucking idiot.
“What is the meaning of this!?” Major Burrows roared at Ludwig, twirling the Parasol of Death menacingly. “Seize him!”
Dodo and Donkey Kong worked together to grab ahold of Ludwig because in the Shadow Koo, teamwork is the most important.
“What did you do to my brother!?” Ludwig shouted, struggling to get free. “What did you do to Larry?”
“I killed him with the Parasol of Death,” Major Burrows said. “Did you see what I did to him?” he motioned towards Chef Torte’s corpse. “I did that to Larry too. I killed him by teleporting his head to the Chaos Realm, which is what the Parasol of Death does.”
“Okay,” Ludwig said.
As Major Burrows killed Ludwig with the parasol, he turned to look at Ashley, who was diligently awaiting orders. “Hey, you did great, though!” Major Burrows commended. “I think you’re gonna fit in here in the Koo! With your help we can take down those BASTARDS, the Shadow Coup!”
“They don’t want the Chaos Door to open!” yelled Game Guy.
“Uh, well, not exactly,” Dodo corrected. “Okay, so like, we’re motivated by our desire to enter the Chaos Realm, so we want the door open, obviously. The Shadow Coup would actually prefer for the door to be open, but to be perfectly honest, the door is really a small part of their ultimate plan. I think it’s more like, in the long term, they ultimately need for the door to be open, but I think it’d be misleading to introduce their faction with their opinion on the state of the Chaos Door because it’s not what defines them. While we, The Shadow Koo, are very specific and directed in our goals, the Shadow Coup’s actions work towards a more subtle and complex end, one which I personally disagree with since I really just wanna check out that Chaos Realm.”
“Well we’re OPENING that door whether they like it or not!!!” added Major Burrows, flexing a muscle. He works out often and is in excellent shape for his age.
“I’d like to help, then,” Ashley added. “If you’ll allow, I can attempt to make contact with the poor souls on the other side of the door.” She pulled out a spooky spellbook that had a picture of a GHOST on it. Everyone i n the Koo was in awe.
“Hey now, that sounds like a super plan!” Major Burrows said. “We should run it by the boss!”
“The mysterious leader of the Shadow Koo…” whispered Donkey Kong.
“The chosen one who will guide us into chaos…” whispered Game Guy.
“A man shrouded equally by mystery and chaos…” whispered Dodo.
“Yes, my children?” called a mysterious voice floating from the darkness. Amid several gasps and nervous humming of the word ‘Koo’, a hooded figure floated to the ground radiating a peach-colored aura. The eyes hidden from behind the hood met Ashley’s.
“Master!” Major Burrows yelled, kneeling. “We have been awaiting your return for years now!”
“Yeah, I’m back,” the leader of the Shadow Koo said. He held a sack in his hand. “It took a lot of effort, but I found all eleven of those brown coins!” He threw the sack dramatically into the center of the Koo. He held the pose and all fell into an awkward silence.
“M… master…” Major Burrows stuttered.
“Yeah?”
“There are… there are twelve of them, master…”
“…oh.” The leader looked down at the sack. “Well, uh… I’m sure that last one will… turn up…” He picked up the sack.
“Sorry to spoil the fun, but who are you?” Ashley said without fear because she’s really creepy and nothing scares her.
“Oh, sorry about that, I haven’t properly introduced myself.” He threw off all of his cloaks, revealing a pair of mouse ears, some cool sunglasses, and a golden hook for a hand. He wore an open-faced button-up shirt that was half black and half a checkered pattern. There were no fewer than twenty zippers between his shirt, shoes, and sunglasses.
“Wait… Mouser!?” Donkey Kong yelled, mouth agape.
“What?” the leader said, completely confused. “I am absolutely not Mouser. My name is Darkovkar. I was born of the chaos and love that dwelled within Mouser’s heart.”
“Like… Chaos Mouser?” Game Guy asked.
“No, no,” Darkovkar explained. “Chaos Mouser is completely different and he is very rude. I’m just Darkovkar, you’d do well to disassociate me from the Mouser line entirely because it’s… pretty complicated.”
“Are there… others like you?” asked Dodo.
“Not really,” Darkovkar shrugged. “Anyhow, what’s going on?”
“This terrifying young child wants to help us talk to somebody on… the other side!” Major Burrows said with excitement.
“The other side of what?” asked Darkovkar, confused.
“The… the Chaos Door.”
“Oh. Yeah, I mean, that sounds great,” Darkovkar said. “Yeah, let’s do that.”
The members of the Koo started murmuring frantically as Ashley opened up her scary spellbook. She turned to the Skeleton Chapter and flipped past pages and pages of angry-looking bats until she found the one she was searching for. She wiped away the cobwebs and began to chant its words.
“Children, obey your parents in the Hammer Brother, for this is right. ‘Honor your fire flower and frog suit that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ Koopas, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Hammer Brother. Goombas, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Bowser…”
Chef Torte’s headless corpse twitched and threw itself about until it finally stood upright. “W… WHO… WHO HAS CONTACTED ME…” With each word, blood splurted from the neck.
“Hey, it’s the Shadow Koo,” Darkovkar introduced. “To whom are we speaking?”
“I WAS… ONCE KNOWN AS… TORTE’S APPRENTICE…”
“Hey man, we’re planning on bringing everybody over to the Chaos Realm,” Darkovkar explained. “Isn’t that exciting?”
There was a long silence as the Koo anticipated Apprentice’s response. Darkovkar looked to Major Burrows, who shrugged, and then turned back to the corpse. “I said, we’re planning-“
“NO…” Apprentice responded.
“Oh.”
“I ONCE… KNEW HATE…” Apprentice said. “I ONCE… HAD ENEMIES… BUT NOW… THERE IS ONLY PAIN. EVERY WAKING MOMENT… I AM IN MORE PAIN THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. FORGET ABOUT FACTIONS… FORGET ABOUT ALLIANCES… THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT… IS THAT NO OTHER LIVING BEING… BE ALLOWED TO SUFFER AS WE DO… EVERY MOMENT…”
“Okay, well,” Darkovkar continued, “That sounds wonderful. You guys are pretty lucky! Is it nice in the Chaos Realm?”
“NO!” Chef Torte’s corpse spazzed out and shot flung its arms everywhere. “DO NOT… LET THIS HAPPEN… TO ANOTHER SOUL… I BEG OF YOU…”
“I can’t wait until it’s me behind that door,” Donkey Kong whispered to Dodo.
“Okay, well, thanks for your time,” Darkovkar said. “Hopefully we’ll see you soon!”
Ashley closed the book and Chef Torte’s corpse abruptly plopped to the ground, lifeless once again. Every member of the Koo let out a heavy sigh, dreaming about the adventures they’d embark upon once they were finally in the Chaos Realm.
“Right!” Major Burrows said, clasping his hands together. “What’s our next move?”
Darkovkar rubbed his chin. “Hm… We should probably eliminate Organization Enigma. Yeah, that sounds like a solid plan to me. Let’s go for it!”
“YEAH!!!” said all the members of the Koo, pulling out various terrifying weapons. The die had been cast. Kooper and the gang didn’t know it, but they would soon be accomplice to a series of horrific events that would change the world forever. These events will eventually come to be known as… The Chaos Door Gore War.
Meanwhile, Torte’s Apprentice remained a slave to chaos and nothing would ever change that.
