Chapter Nine: Farewell My Goddess

When we last left Captain Toad, he had gotten himself stuck at the bottom of the Last Well with his trusty sidekick, General White.  Things were looking grim, as there was no way to for the duo to climb back up!  The shaft was also being filled with hot lava by Huff N. Puff and his gang of cronies, which was honestly just making things worse.

“Fuck!  Goddamn!” yelled Captain Toad, looking for a way out.  “There’s no way out! Shit!”

“W-w-w-what do we do!?” yelled General White, shaking with fear. He was very scared.

“UWAAAH PAH PAH PAH!!!” cackled Huff N. Puff as he signaled in yet another cement truck full of hot lava towards the Last Well.  “It’s curtains for you, Captain Toad!  You’re no match for hot lava!”

“WHAT!?” the two yelled from the bottom of the well.

“Oh,” Huff N. Puff said, realizing that the well was twenty miles deep.  “I SAID UWAAAH PAH PAH PAH!!!  IT’S CURTAINS FOR YOU, CAPTAIN TOAD! YOU’RE NO MATCH FOR HOT LAVA!” he yelled louder.

“FUCK YOU, HUFF N. PUFF!!!” Captain Toad yelled back.  “WE’RE GONNA FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE!”

“Gee, boss!  Things are startin’ to heat up down here! LITERALLY!!!” General White said, being careful not to step in hot lava.  “We gotta think of somethin’ pronto!”

“I know, I know!” Captain Toad groaned, furrowing his brow.  “Think, think, THINK!”

“LOOKS LIKE THE END OF THE ROAD, BOYS!!!” yelled Huff N. Puff.


“S… sorry…”

Captain Toad thought SO HARD and every precious second counted at this point. Temperatures were skyrocketing.  It was only a matter of time before they were toast.  It was sad too because Huff N. Puff was destroying a precious historical landmark in the process and he didn’t even care.  It’s just the kind of guy he is!

“I’VE GOT IT!!!” yelled Captain Toad, sweating profusely and beginning to blister from the heat.  “I know how we can escape!”

“Thank heavens!” yelled General White.  “But you better make it quick!  I’m not feeling so hot!” This was ironic because he was on fire.

Captain Toad pulled out the Fairie’s Conch that he obtained in his LAST thrilling adventure after a heated battle that ended with the extinction of the entire Bub-ulb race.  Remember?  It was a really good episode!  Anyway, Captain Toad blew on the shell and its melodic tunes rang out through the skies.  They were carried on the winds of fate miles and miles into the distance.  Somewhere far away, Parakarry was laying in bed with his beautiful wife, Koopie Koo.

“What’s wrong, my love?” whispered Koopie Koo, gently stroking Parakarry’s temple.

Parakarry smiled.  ”It’s just… every day I wonder how I got to be so lucky.  Most people wait an entire lifetime to find somebody like you.”

“Oh, P!” Koopie Koo said, kissing him on the forehead.  She stared passionately into his eyes, a calm smile on her face.  “I wish… we could stay like this.  Just you and me.  Without… well, you know.”

Parakarry closed his eyes and shook his head.  ”Don’t worry, love… Today is dedicated only to you.  I don’t even want to think about that foul-mouthed…”


It was the conch.  Parakarry stopped short and looked into the sky.  He was super conflicted.  He knew they needed him, but he just promised his wife that he would stay with her.  What to do?  Which side to choose?

“It’s them, isn’t it?” Koopie Koo growled, clearly frustrated.  “You’re going to go to them, aren’t you?”

“I…” Parakarry sighed.  He stood up and began zipping up his green pants.  “I’m sorry, Koo, you know how it is.  I made a promise.”

“A promise, huh!?” Koopie yelled and she screamed into her pillow and knocked a plate off of the end table.  “So you’re breaking your promise to me to keep a promise with them, huh? They’re more important than me, huh? That’s the choice you’re making? You’re choosing your job over love?  HUH?”

Shit!  Parakarry thought, putting on his eyepatch that let him see through walls and flossing his teeth.  ”No, it’s not like that!” he pleaded.  ”I love you, but I can’t abandon them! They could be in big trouble!”

“YOU’RE gonna be in big trouble if you leave me here alone!” Koopie yelled back, throwing a pillow at him, which sent him flying into the wall, which he was able to see through.  “I’m going to let you decide one more time!  Here is your ultimatum! You either stay here and we can remain blissfully in love, or you can help your friends and you’ll never see me ever again!! IT HAS TO BE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!”

“Goddamnit!” yelled Parakarry as he packed a nutritionally-balanced lunch for the long journey ahead.  “You’re not making this easy!”

“I know!”

Parakarry looked at Koopie Koo.  So beautiful.  So pretty.  She was everything he could ever want in a woman.  She was perfect.  But as much as he wanted to stay and make this work, he knew in his heart that it wasn’t meant to last.  He looked away from her, tears filling his eyes.  If only… he thought.  But whatever happened, the prophecy always came first.

“Then I guess this is goodbye,” he whispered, opening the front door.

“You’re really doing it then!?” Koopie said, trying to hide her tears.  “Just like that, you’re throwing me away!?”

“Sorry, babe,” Parakarry said.  At this point he was crying like CRAZY and snot was like, oozing out of his nose and everything.  “I guess… I guess we were just meant to live different lives.”

“I’LL…” Koopie started, but broke down in tears herself.  “I’ll… I’ll miss you… P…”

Parakarry said nothing.  He simply nodded.  And then he took off, not looking back for even one second.  He was SO SAD. “Farewell, my goddess…”, he whispered to himself.  He didn’t have the courage to say it out loud.  Was this the right move?  Was it fair to leave without saying it?  He would never know…

Meanwhile, Koopie Koo stared out into the horizon.  A single feather from her former lover drifted from the heavens and landed square on her face.  She picked it up and hugged it tightly.  ”Oh, Parakarry… wherever you’re going… be careful… Farewell my goddess…

Parakarry continued flying in the direction of the call.  Hold on, captain! he thought, flying at twenty times the speed of sound.  I’m on my way!  You two… you two are the only thing I have left!

Parakarry landed next to the Last Well.  Huff N. Puff and some of his cronies were looking down the well.

“Huff N. Puff, you fiend!” Parakarry said assuming an excellent fighting stance.  “Where are Captain Toad and General White?”

“Dead, I think,” Huff N. Puff said, not looking up.  “It’s twenty miles down so we can’t really tell, but I’m pretty sure they’re dead.”

“CAPTAIN TOAD!!!” Parakarry yelled , looking down the well.  “I HEARD THE SIGNAL!”

There was no response at all.

“What did you do?” Parakarry asked.

Huff N. Puff scratched his head.  ”Well they got stuck in this well so we started pouring hot lava in it.  They stopped responding a few hours ago and we put a LOT of hot lava in there.  I just sort of assumed they’d escape?  It’s a really awkward situation and now we’re not sure what to do.”

“I have to save them!” Parakarry yelled, preparing to leap into the well.

“Whoa, dude!” Huff N. Puff said.  “Don’t do that! It’s hot down there! You’ll be cooked alive!”

Parakarry adjusted his eyepatch that could see through walls, pulled up his green pants, zipped up his purple wind breaker, and hopped onto the side of the well. “That’s just a chance I’ll have to take!” he said, winking at Huff N. Puff.  Huff N. Puff couldn’t see it because of the eyepatch.

“I’m serious!” Huff N. Puff yelled.  “You’ll burst into flames before you’ve made halfway down! It’s suicide!”

Parakarry smirked and dove headfirst into the well and everything that Huff N. Puff described happened to him.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *