Luma Co-Star stood at the shore of the River Twygz.
The cursed waters fed deep into the afterlife dimension and writhed with
underhands and the unintelligible shrieks of the damned. In the wake of the
opening of the chaos door, this place had changed little. He aimed down the
iron sight of his magnum revolver as the ferryman’s boat floated to the
“Whoaaa there,” Charold belched, “There issss no need
to get violent. You like boatssss? I got a boat. We can ssssail to the
UnderWhere. That would be fun, yeah?”
Luma Co-Star lowered his gun. He did a hop, a
twirl, and then two more hops.
“Huhhh? You don’t wanna go there? You want to go to
Luma Co-star hopped in agreement.
“Okay, that will be 8 coins.”
In response, he trained his revolver square on
“Okay, fine. Nevermind. Fuck. Jussst get on.”
Co-Star Luma holstered his gun, and hovered over the
boat as it sailed across the wailing river of tormented souls. He meditated
over squirming underhands, and on his mission.
It had been 18 years since he was separated from his
Special One. The memory of their adventures together was like a warm fire in
his heart. He had been motivated to help him recover the power stars to stop
the giant monster, but it did not take long for the attraction to become
undeniable. There was just something about those strong arms, the way he moved,
the earnesty of that mustache. His deepest dreams had come true when their eyes
finally met, and somewhere lost in each other’s gaze their lips found each
other and their passion was ignited, with tongue. Being held in those big,
powerful arms became all Co-star Luma lived for, and then it was all taken away
during the advent of Final Crisis 2. He didn’t care. He had to be reunited with
his Special One. No matter what it took.
“Whelp, here we issssssssssssssssss.”
Floating in the middle of the River Twygz was a
mysterious warp pipe. It was unlike any other warp pipe in the universe because
it was red. Not like a regular red like in New Super Mario Brothers Wii, but
like a really scary blood red that you would have in a nightmare (but only when
“Ssssssssss” Charold continued to lisp, belligerently.
Co-Star Luma floated up to the pipe, he peered down
its yawning gulf and heard the screams of tortured souls, but they were kind of
hard to make out because of all the screams of tortured souls in the water
around them. He began to descend into the pipe when Charold began leaping
“WAIT! You know that thisss thing goes to HELL??”
Co-Star Luma rolled his eyes and warped down the pipe.
He slid down, down, accelerating faster and faster, the roar of screams growing
louder and louder as the pipe drew darker. The smell of sulfur was overwhelming,
and smoke began pouring into his eyes, more and more until
“WAHAAAA!” Toad said as he hopped into player among
the clouds. Co-Star Luma was confused and glanced around, seeing three others
standing beside him. Each of them looked incredibly tired, terrified, and
emaciated. They was each tugging at ropes that did not seem to go anyway.
Co-Star Luma hopped in question.
“Oh, ha. I didn’t… I didn’t see you there,” the Bean
Bean beside him said vacantly, “You must be new. He’s making us play
Tug-Of-War. Have you ever played it before?”
He twirled a no in response.
Without hesitation, the Bean Bean started the match
before a practice round could be requested. Co-Star Luma was disoriented and
found himself standing on one side of a chasm, holding a rope and dressed in a
Bowser suit, while the three other damned souls were opposite of him. The Bean
Bean grinned wickedly and yanked on the cord as soon as Toad shrieked
Concentrating, Co-Star Luma rotated the analog stick
of his soul as hard and as fast as he could, desperately trying to stand his
ground. The arm of his arm began to hurt and the moment he slowed down it was
too late, he was pulled face first into the chasm where a gargantuan piranha
plant sunk its fangs deep into his torso and began ripped his flesh asunder in
the most morbid and fetish-y way possible. The sweet release of death never
came as Co-Star luma continued to maintain consciousness as he was reduced to a
smear of paste and digested in excruciating pain for what must’ve been a week.
So then the round was over and everyone else got ten
coins but he didn’t and that made him really mad.
In the sky over Space Land,
the words ‘ROUND 25,123 of 9,999,999 START’ appeared, and it was Co-Star Luma’s
turn to hit the dice block. Shit. There was no way that he would have time to
complete this competition. He let the dice box squeal overhead and turned
toward the Nimbi who was five spaces ahead of him on the map. He twirled twice
to ask how he might escape.
“Dude, we’re kind of trapped here for all eternity for
punishment for leading shitty mean spirited lives. We get the Mario Bandstand
minigame like 80% of the time and it fucking sucks.”
“I GOT AN IDEA DUDE!” Shouted a Crazee Dazee from
across the map, “ASK HIM IF HE WANTS THE CONTROLS EXPLAINED TO HIM”
“No! No! Shhh! Don’t even joke abou-“
Toad leapt down from the sky, his eyes ravenous. “Do
you want me to explain how to control the game?”
Because this was hell, the only options in response
were ‘Yes,’ and at once Toad launched into an excruciatingly detailed
explanation about how to press the A Button to jump and how analog sticks work.
The pace at which he was explaining the controls indicated that he may be at
this for another twenty minutes.
“Run,” the Nimbi pleaded, vacantly “You haven’t been
here long enough to have your spirit broken. You have to get out while you
Co-Star Luma tried, but couldn’t move. He twirled in
panic. The Nimbi withdrew a Bowser Bomb from his pocket and hurled it. The
explosion sent Co-Star Luma falling over the edge of Space Land
and into the inky darkness of space. He landed, with a sudden thud, on top of a
large ball. Ahead of him, he saw a steep one-way slide obstacle course littered
with purple coins. At once, the ball started to move and Co-star Luma was sent
careening down the incline at dizzying speeds. After a few insta-kills from
falling over the side, he finally made it to the end of the track in one piece
where a Gearmo was waiting.
“Hey, you only got 54 of 100 coins. Come back after
you get more. And before another word could be said, Co-star Luma appeared at
the start of the track and was sent down again. He tried going purposefully
after the coins, but the controls were so frustrating and finicky and if he
screwed up even slightly it was impossible to go back and get a coin and FUCK
HE FELL OVER THE EDGE AGAIN OKAY THIS TIME WE’RE GONNA DO IT ARGH GOD DAMN IT.
Calming himself, Co-Star Luma tried to focus and
complete this task with composure. Then he fell off the edge four times in a
“SON OF A BITCH SHITTING DAMN FUCK COCK SUCKER!”
Screamed Co-Star Luma, who was frustrated.
Finally, after 3 more hours of this, Co-Star Luma got
fed up and shot the Gearmo in the face with his magnum the moment he landed.
The gun shot starbits, so it stunned the Gearmo for a couple seconds.
“Hey pal, I seem to have a lot of trash piled up
around here. If you can destroy it all under the time limit, I’ll give you a
Co-Star Luma shoved the Gearmo over the edge of the
platform and he fell into a black hole where he was crushed to death painfully.
“Well done little star, I see you have bested one of
my many challenges!”
Satan, the devil, appeared slow clapping out of a puff
of smoke. “Not many are able to get out my many sinister and clever
punishments! Good show!”
Co-Star Luma twirled.
“What’s that? You want me to reunite you with your
special one?” Asked the Great Deceiver.
Co-Star Luma hopped.
“Well, I guess that would be fine. But could you do me
a favor in return?”
Co-Star Luma made a really angry face in response.
“Oh, don’t be like that. You don’t have to. I just
needed some help and you look like you might be able to assist me,” said the
Author of all Sin.
Begrudgingly, Co-Star Luma twirled in agreement.
“Splendid! Oh, I knew you’ve be able to help,” The prince
of darkness clapped in excitement, “I need you to help me beat Chaos Satan.
He’s a big problem because he’s trying to take over hell and make it a worse
place! We have to stop him!”
Co-Star Luma DID think that was a noble task, and
decided that it if it meant being able to be together with his Special One
again that it was worth any effort. However, before he was able to ask where
they would begin, Lucifer put a finger to his lips and hushed him.
“Wait. We have to get out of here. My boss is coming.
If he finds us here he’ll kill us both.”
Co-Star Luma looked for some way off the platform, but
there were no paths but bottomless pit.
“HE’S HERE!” In panic, the chief of demons bent down
on one knee and bowed low, “My liege! I-I didn’t expect to see you here! Please
forgive me for straying from my post?”
Co-Star Luma grew pale as he looked into the smiling face of Belome.