Ten years ago, the Chaos Door opened.

The world was engulfed in chaos. The old gods and the new gods abandoned the world. The Yoshis were released from their crystal sky prison and flooded the land. The dead rose from the grave, and the living tore each other to pieces. Brother against brother, ghost brother against ghost brother.

It was chaos.

But then, just as quickly as it had opened, the Chaos Door closed.

The True Hero, Waluigi, sacrificed himself to save the world.

But what was done was done. The horrors of the Chaos Door had been unleashed, and the world had changed forever.

It has been ten years since his death. And now it is time for

Final Destination Mushroom Enigma: The Shadow Koopa Darkness Prophecy of Destiny: The Downfall of the Two Kingdoms: Volume One: Part One: The End of Days

“AHHHH, IT’S GOOD TO BE A DRUG LORD.”

Dr. The Angry Sun (now known as Biggs Domino) kicked back his feet and smoked a giant cigar made of gold.  Business was going good for Angry Sun Industries.  Cheep Cheep cocaine (super mushrooms ground into hallucinogens) and shrooms (saliva from Cheep Cheeps crystallized into a potent powdery stimulant) were selling like hotcakes.  Just then, the door burst open.  It was Croco, and he was really scared.

“DR. THE ANGRY SUN!!!”

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT’S BIGGS DOMINO NOW?!” Dr. The Angry Sun screamed.  “GOD!!!”

“Dr. The Angry Sun, come quick!  It’s Anti Guy!  And he has ONE MILLION SOLDIERS!”

“WHAT?!” Dr. The Angry Sun roared.  “We’re outnumbered!”

Dr. The Angry Sun and Croco were the only two members of Angry Sun Industries.

“That son of a bitch,” Dr. The Angry Sun hissed as he peeked out of the blinds of his office.  “He swore to me our feud was over after I blew up Goomba King with that bazooka.”

“Dr. The Angry Sun, are we gonna have a d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-DRUG FIGHT?!”

“Looks like it,” Dr. The Angry Sun growled.  He put on his Eternal Blizzard Gauntlet (the destiny brother of the Inferno Gauntlet) angrily.  “I’ll show these palookas what it’s like to deal with a REAL Cherry Blossom Warrior.”

Summoning all of his chi into his heart, Dr. The Angry Sun glowed a vibrant pink, and lots of cherry blossom petals swirled around him.  It was really great, almost as great as Bleach.

“Let’s go, Croco.”

“I’m right behind you, brother.  I always will be.”

Dr. The Angry Sun opened the door.  A fire harpoon shot through and blew apart Croco’s face.

“Hey, Dr. The Angry Sun!  Fuck you!”

Dr. The Angry Sun looked up to see Anti Guy hovering above him with his jumbo rocket boots. 

“It’s Biggs Domino now-“

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Anti Guy began doing figure eights in the sky with his rocket boots as they made the most horrible noise in the entire world.

“WHAT?”
“I said it’s Biggs-“

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

“It’s B-“

VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

“What did you say?”

“It’s Biggs Domino now.”

“Okay.”

Dr. The Angry Sun spat out his gold cigar.  “Anti Guy, it’s time to finish this.  There can only be one drug lord in this town, and that one is ME.”

Dr. The Angry Sun raised his Eternal Blizzard Gauntlet and pounded it into the ground.  Five thousand icicles burst out of the earth and killed a thousand people.

“Ha!” Anti Guy scoffed.  ” I still have like 999,000 soldiers left!”

Five thousand more icicles killed 999,000 people.

“Fuck!”

“And now,” Dr. The Angry Sun snarled as he pointed his gauntlet at Anti Guy’s head. “It is your turn.”

Suddenly, out of NOWHERE, a blast of pink energy tore Dr. The Angry Sun’s arm off.  He whirled around to see Lakilester grinning wickedly while twirling his plasma gunblade.

“Lakilester!  You would betray me?!  We are sworn Cherry Blossom brothers!”

Lakilester swooped down and howled because he was also a werewolf.  As he did, three more Cherry Blossom Warriors burst out of the bushes.  Dr. The Angry Sun stared at them in horror.

“Stanley the Bugman!  Francesca Pianta!  The second ? Block from Super Mario Bros 3!  What is the meaning of this?!”

“You’re out of the loop,” Stanley snickered.

“The Cherry Blossom Warriors are no more!” Francesca cackled.

The ? Block from Super Mario Bros 3 didn’t say anything.

“We are a NEW faction,” Anti Guy said smiling as he and the rest of the former Cherry Blossom Warriors surrounded Dr. The Angry Sun.  “We are…the SHADOW COUP.”

“The Shadow Koo?”

“No, the Shadow Coup.”

“Oh.”

“And we’re going to seize what’s rightfully ours from Organization Enigma and Organization Seventeen!”

“But what about the Order of the Crying Fire Flower?” Dr. The Angry Sun asked.

There was a hushed, panicked silence as the members of the Shadow Coup looked around nervously.

“We wouldn’t dare…” Anti Guy mumbled.

“Too powerful,” Stanley muttered.

“They already killed Big Lantern Ghost!” Francesca cried.

The ? Block from Super Mario Bros 3 said nothing.

As the Shadow Coup was distracted, Dr. The Angry Sun attempted to sneak away, but Francesca raised her arm and summoned a bolt of dark lightning that struck Dr. The Angry Sun in the butt.

“AGAGHAGHAGAHGHAGH”

Dr. The Angry Sun rolled on the ground in agony.  The others closed in.      

“Y…you can’t do this!” Dr. The Angry Sun screamed.  “I have allies, you know!  They’ll come for you!”

“When you meet Boom Boom in hell,” The ? Block from Super Mario Bros 3 rumbled in a demonic voice that made the others clutch their ears in pain. “Tell him the Shadow Coup sent you.  And that Jimmy T. will be next.”

The ? Block from Super Mario Bros 3 raised the Omega Dagger and brought it down with the force of eight thousand volcanoes, and Dr. The Angry Sun was totally dead.

“We must not be spotted in this darkness, 9-Volt!” cautioned the hooded man with glowing bright eyes and shiny glowing magnificent angel wings who was holding a briefcase.

9-Volt said nothing, but nodded in confirmation.  ”You’re sure I’ll find him here?”  He asked, slipping through the rocky coast as the thunderous rainfall crashed down upon the two.

“Of course you will!” the figure said.  ”The war is over, friend.  The chosen one has chosen to spend the rest of his days rotting on his throne at a place called… Tower Rock!”

“And why,” 9-volt asked, “Do they call it… Tower Rock?”

The figure halted.  Through the haze, they could see the shadowy indication of a massive structure jutting out of the ocean.  The figure grinned.  ”It is called Tower Rock because… it’s literally a tower on top of a rock.”

The rain cleared.  The structure was a tower on top of a rock.

“Oh,” said 9-Volt.

The shadowy figure hopped down to a small boat that was tied up to the shore.  He began untying it.  ”Make you business brief and be as clear as possible, boy!  The chosen one is a very… impatient man, you see.”

“I don’t have much to ask him…” 9-volt said.  He pulled out the remains on a bloody super leaf and stared at it with INTENSE RAGE that he’s just been building up for so long.  ”I just want to know about my father.  During the war he disappeared, and for years I’ve-“

“That’s super,” the  figure interrupted.  ”Now go, I have places to be.  I’m super busy!” He began to leave.

“Wait,” 9 Volt said.  ”Just… just who are you anyway?”

The figure chuckled.  ”I’m… just a shadowy figure, kid.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Who I am or… who I was, none of that matters now.  All you need to understand is that I am neither friend nor foe, just a servant to the shadows.  Was I somebody once?  Possibly…  Weren’t we all somebody once?  But no, not me.  I am nobody.  I am nothing.  I just… am. In the end, I have no identity.”

“You sound a lot like Chuck Quizmo.”

Chuck Quizmo stood in silence for a several minutes, not making eye contact.  ”I’m… Uh, I’m definitely not Chuck Quizmo…” he mumbled.  They said nothing for several more minutes and then he just left.

9-volt looked at the tower before him.  It was big and scary and covered in spikes and there was lightning and there were statues and it was shooting fire from some places and there were machine guns and giant sawblades it was super cool. “I’ve finally found you,” 9-Volt muttered.  He clutched the super leaf tightly and accidentally got cape power and  then he stepped in the boat and crossed the Waters of Madness.

The door to the tower opened with a soft, muffled CREEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKK.  9-Volt climbed two thousand flights of stairs and finally reached the peak of the tower.  Inside, there was lit fireplace and a figure sitting before it.  He could see a golden hook and a pair of mouse ears.  The record player was softly playing the item minigame theme from Mario Party 3.

“What is your name?” the mysterious character asked.

“I am Nine Volt, from house… uh, Wario Ware Mega Microgame$ for the Gameboy Advance,” 9-Volt said.  ”I’m to understand you… fought in the war.”

The hook began tapping on the armchair impatiently.  ”Aye, boy,” the man said.  ”Aye, I fought in the war.  Aye, the best years of my life I gave to that cause.  And what of it!?”

9-Volt approached the man.  ”Who are you?” Nine Volt asked.  ”Just who is the man behind… the chosen one?”

The chair swiveled around and the man was now facing the boy.  It was Wario!!!  He was wearing mouse ears and holding a golden hook.

“BAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!” Wario laughed.  ”Expecting somebody else, were we?”

“No, I pretty much… had no idea who the chosen one was,” 9-Volt said.  ”Why are you wearing mouse ears and holding a golden hook.”

“Are you serious?” Wario said.  ”You didn’t think I was Mouser?”

“Who?”

“You don’t even know Mouser!?”

“I have never heard of Mouser.”

Wario was absolutely devastated because he had worked so hard on his costume.  ”I’m… still going to wear the ears,” he said.

“That’s fine,” said 9 volt.

“So,” Wario began, stroking his magnificent wizard beard and taking a sip of his magnificent wizard beer.  ”Why have you come here, kid?  And make it quick… there’s a storm on the horizon, you know.”

“A storm on the horizon?” Nine volt asked.  ”But the war is over, isn’t it?  The kingdom is at peace and it’ll be that way forever and ever and ever!”

Wario laughed heartily. “BAAAHAHAHAA!!  Foolish child!  Even as we speak, the Shadow Koo is preparing to make their move!  It won’t be long now before this whole shebang starts all over again!”  He tried to drink his beer but slipped and spilled it all over his beard.

9-Volt looked at the sad display before him.  ”And what, you’re just going to sit here in your ugly tower and wait it out?”

“Hey!” Wario yelled.  ”My tower is awesome!”

“What a joke,” 9 Volt scoffed, stepping carefully through piles upon piles of crazy grape juice bottles.  ”What happened to you?  I thought you were the chosen one!”

“Chosen one… right,” Wario chuckled.  ”Do you know what it means to be the chosen one, kid?  It means you run around trying to tell people that you’re the chosen one and they laugh and laugh and laugh and nobody cares!  You know what?”  He pulled a magnificent glowing star stone out of his beard and threw it at 9-Volt who lost his cape power when it him.  ”Here ya go!  Now you’re the chosen one!”

“But… but the prophecy said-“

“PROPHECY!??!?!?!!?” Wario said.  ”Prophecy shmophecy!  You have the stone, you’re the chosen one!  That’s how it works!  Have fun!  Now get out of my sight, I want nothing more to do with kingdoms or wars or dark prophecies or crazy organizations… I just… I just want to sit here in peace, dammit.  All I ever wanted was to be a funny money man who loved garlic…  But everybody started killing each other and everything got out of control!  That’s the kind of world we’ve made.  Where in that world is there room for a man like me?”  A tear rolled down his cheek and he took a long drink from his beer.

“Yikes,” 9 Volt said.  ”Alright, if you wish me to be the new chosen one, I… I accept my role with honor and dignity.  I shall not let you down!”

Wario did not say a word, nor did he look at the boy or his stupid helmet.  He was staring at a photo of Waluigi.  His mind was someplace far, far away.

“Fine, if this is the sort of life you want to lead…  I’ll leave you to it” Nein Volt said, opening the door and stepping out.  ”But before I go… I need to know… what happened to my father?”

“He died,” Wario said.

“…o… oh.”

The hum of machinery was deafening inside the lowest level of Grumble Volcano science facility. The greatest scientific minds of the Boulder Bowl Galaxy from Super Mario Galaxy 2 had been summoned to apply their collective expertise to the project Chance Time. Researchers rushed between control panels, entering command codes, turning knobs, over-riding security protocols, and shouted out commands about the state of the program.

“The Pribnow box is at 83%! Synchronization is remaining steady!”

“Energy couplings locked, engage the Grand Star!”

Knobs were turned, adjusted, and rotated before being turned again. An alarm went off and a computer console exploded and killed a Chargin’ Chuck in a labcoat.

“Shit!” Kolorado Koopa exclaimed, “Get those plasma drives under control! We’ve come too far to fail now!”

“It’s really hard, though!” Explained Punchinello, who was struggling with the controls.

Kolorado got out of his command chair and pushed Punchinello to the floor and pulled the lever. Suddenly everything was working properly and all the tension in the scene was dissolved.

“Aw.” Punchinello whimpered. He had wanted to help.

All status reports were nominal; the room hissed a veil of steam as the pod was lowered into the center of the room by the Crane Game arm from the Mario Party 2 mini-game (Not the one from the first Mario Party). A single fogged window hinted at a floating silhouette within. Kolorado was so intently focused on maintaining the energy flow from the Grand Star that he did not hear the test chamber door swish open. The Shy-Guys, Boos and Pinatas hammering at their keyboards slowed to the crawl as they witnessed Bowser Jr sweep across the room, trailing his flowing doctor’s coat behind him like a cape.  

“You’ve died once already, Kolorado. Do you really want to throw it all away for this foolish project?”

Kolorado whirled around to find a katana pointed at him, inches from his throat. His eyes flashed with anger at the sight of his old friend. The Safari adventuring koopa turned back to his controls.

“If you’ve come here to kill me, you shouldn’t hesitate.”

“The only thing that will kill you here is your own hubris,” Bowser Jr. threw his katana into the floor, ruining the expensive linoleum; “The cost of initializing project Chance Time is too great. You have to stop now before it’s too late.”

Kolorado spoke into the PA microphone: “Ignore the infiltrator. Continue operations as directed. Chance Time will begin in sixty seconds.” He turned to Bowser Jr., seething, “Before Luigi fell into the river Twygz and lost, he explained to me before Waluigi sacrificed himself to seal the Chaos door, and he saved the last shard of his Pure Heart within the subject. If we can only bring him back…”

“YOU’RE A FOOL!” Bowser Jr. slapped Kolorado with enough force to knock him off his feet. “Did you learn nothing from the past ten years? The only way out of this crisis is to wake Tatanga!”

“Thirty seconds until Chance Time!” Pinata Cop from Mario Sunshine shouted.

Kolarado lay on the floor; he recovered his eyeglasses, one lens now badly cracked. He replaced them on his face and stood.

“When you had a chance to save Mimi in surgery, you hesitated and it cost us her life.”

“I loved her!” Bowser Jr. cried. There was an awkward moment when most of the room was thinking about her scary gross spider legs.

Tears splattered across Kolorado’s control panel. “So did I.”

“I’ll stop yo-“

The facility lit up bright green and the signal was complete. Kolorado slammed the start button before Bowser Jr. could finish his sentence. The Grand Star withered to dust as every last molecule of energy was siphoned away and the pod began radiating intense heat. Three twirling blocks brighter than the sun began revolving at the center of the room at such speeds that the kinetic force knocked Punchinello into a vending machine. Almost as quickly as it began, the energy spike was out of control and control panels began exploding. Researchers popped like kettle corn on either side of Koloardo as he concentrated on getting the timing right. He pressed the button.

The middle block stopped on a symbol of a 1up pointing to the right. Bootler screamed as he was completely vaporized by stray energy blast. Somewhere in the room, Kolorado heard the protests of Bowser Jr. as if it were a rumbling a thousand miles away. He pressed the button again and the block on the left stopped on the face of Rosalina.

The room was growing brighter, louder. He could no longer hear or see Bowser Jr. or whatever other researchers that had managed to survive. His entire world was the Chance Time blocks and his control panel. This was the final moment.

Tears ran down his face as he thought of Mimi again, laying on her deathbed, her last rasping breaths filtered through an iron lung, her grip fading in their clasped hands.

“I’m sorry, my love.”

He pressed the button again, and the block stopped.

His senses came crashing back to reality like hangover thrown into a brick wall. The testing chamber was in ruins, Bowser Jr. was badly burnt and spread across the floor, but breathing.

The pod opened, spilling medical gel across the test site. Out of the confines of the darkened chamber arose Kooper, stoic. Kolarado turned to Bowser Jr, whose eyes were wide with terror, and said to him “Now we are all sons of bitches.”

Darkness began to shine from Kooper like a reverse star. He uttered three words, “My chaos scythe.”

“Oh!” Punchinello said, “Let me grab it for you, it’s in the locker-room!”

Bowser Jr. sprang to life, “God damn it, Punchinello you idiot! Don’t give that to him!”

He felt his red hair yanked by Kolorado, “Like it or not, this monster that I’ve brought back has the last essence of Waluigi’s pure heart trapped inside him. He’s our only salvation.”

“He’s going to kill us both!” Bowser Jr. spat as the darkness surrounding Kooper spread rapidly across the room. Shattered computer terminals began sinking into inky blackness.

“What does it matter? He can kill us. He can kill a thousand. This is what Mimi wanted. It’s is all that I had left of her.”

“Damn you, Kolorado.”

Punchinello trotted happily across the hellscape of sticky shadow and offered Kooper his scythe, still burning with darkness. Just as he did, the last light went out, leaving only Kooper’s wicked grim visible in the void.

“Never thought I’d be working with you,” Goombario spat.  The two scars on his face that made an X like Rurouni Kenshin burned from the dark memories of the past and also from the acid that had been sprayed upon it by Chaos Valentina and her army of ghost valkyries.

“Yeah, well, beggars can’t be choosers,” growled the hooded woman.  She hissed as her bronze arm began to glow, the pain searing through her veins.  She had known there would be a price to pay for merging with the Bronze Hand of Destiny, but she had underestimated just how staggering the pain would be.

WHAM.  A giant metal platform slammed in front of them, barely missing Goombario by an inch.  Another one of Castle Dreadnought’s traps.  As it rose up, Goombario could see the splattered remains of Monstar.

“Another dead follower of Organization Enigma, good riddance,” the hooded woman laughed mirthlessly.  “We must be on the right track.”

“Wait,” said Goombario.  “Wasn’t Monstar actually like a group of little star babies in Paper Mario.”

He lifted the body to look underneath.

“Oh ew, gross.”

“Quiet,” hissed the woman.  “Do you hear that?”

Both froze.  A loud cackling echoed down the hall.  Quickly, the two dashed down the hall and entered the throne room.

“AHAHAHAHA OOHOOHOOHOO”

Zip Toad sat slouching on a massive throne made of skulls, giggling and kicking his feet.  In front of him was a massive pool filled with crocodiles and a bound Dribble hanging from the ceiling above it.

“This sucks!” said Dribble.

“ZIP!” Goombario barked.  Zip looked up and stared through his shades.  “WE’VE COME FOR YOU!”

“EEEHEEHAHAHOOHOO!  Not so fast, little man!” Zip laughed.  “If you take one more step, Dribble dies!”

Goombario and the hooded woman stared at Dribble for five minutes.  Finally, Goombario spoke.

“So?”

“Hey!”

“Fine, if THAT won’t stop you, then how about THIS?!” Zip Toad pulled a lever with a skull on it.  A panel in the floor began to open, and out came the Chancellor, except he was now a half Toad half bat monster hybrid with a tattered bat wing.  Encrusted into his forehead was the Sacred Jewel of the Dynast-Koopa, glowing an evil shade of red.

“My god,” Goombario said.  “What have they done to you, Arch-Angel?”

The Chancellor howled and slashed a wave of death energy at Goombario, but he used the secret art of teleportation ninjutsu to dodge it.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Arch-Angel!” Goombario yelled, swinging his Vampire Dreadblade.  “But if you don’t stop, I will HAVE to go into nightmare mode!”

“No need for that.”  The hooded woman lunged at the Chancellor and placed the Bronze Hand of Destiny on his jeweled head.

“All Mind,” she whispered, activating the key words.  As her hand began to glow, the Chancellor returned to normal for a brief second.

“L…lady Lima…”

The Chancellor’s head burst into one hundred billion pieces.  Zip Toad pooped his pants.

“Wh…who are you?!”

The hooded woman took off her hood to reveal that she was

“MOUSER?!”

“What, no, I’m Tayce T, you idiot.  Have you ever even SEEN Mouser?”

“N-no,” said Zip, ashamed.  “I just wanted you to think I was cool.  I didn-OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!”

Goombario cut off Zip’s legs with the Dreadblade, and they sprouted bat wings and flew away because that’s what the Dreadblade does.

“Why does Organization Enigma want to find you so badly?” He growled.  “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?”

“I-I-I’ll never tell!  They’ll gut me if I tell-OW!!!!!!!!!!”

Zip’s arms flew away too.

“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you, god!  I’m a member of…”

Zip paused.

“The Shadow Koo.”

“The Shadow Coup?”

“No, the Shadow Koo.”

“Why are you called the Shadow Koo.”

“I…I dunno.”

“That’s so stupid, though.”

“A-anyway!  If you spare me, I-I won’t tell them you were here!  Just let me go!”

“Oh, we’ll let you go, all right,” said Tayce T., grinning.  “Let you go Into the SEA OF ABYSSES.”

Tayce T. threw Zip at a speed of five hundred thousand miles per hour through eight walls of broken glass and out of the naval fortress of Castle Dreadnought.  Goombario and Tayce T. watched him fall into the deepest underwater hells of the Sea of Abysses.

“Oh, thank goodness!” said Dribble from above.  “Thank you, guys!  I can finally go back to my wife and kids!  Thank you so-AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!”

As Dribble got eaten by a thousand alligators, Goombario let go of the skull lever.  Tayce T. looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Why?”

“Because FUCK Dribble, that’s why.”

Mouser sharpened the Jade Dagger of Fate and pressed it against flesh.  He was prepared to make the perfect cut.  One slice was all it took.

“Please, don’t!” Penkoon pleaded.  ”You don’t have to do this!”

Mouser grinned a sinister grin and sliced his knife through the meat!  The red juices flowed out like a river!

“Really, you didn’t have to!” Penkoon laughed, receiving a cut of steak from his best friend Mouser whom he would never ever hurt even if a shadow demon forced him to.

“Oh, please,” Mouser said, wearing a festive beach party shirt with the face open like Franky from One Piece.  ”You’re my guest, after all!  How about you, Professor E. Gadd?”

“Not hungry…” E. Gadd muttered in his booming vibrato voice.  ”Got too much on my mind…”

“Oh, come off it!” Penkoon said, shaking his head.  ”I know we’ve been through some tough times, but that’s all behind us now!  The world is at peace!  The chaos door is closed!”

“But how did it open in the first place!?” E. Gadd roared and flipped over a whole table of food where Watt was eating.

“Hey!”

“Dammit, you fools!” E. Gadd started.  ”Look at us!  Sitting here having a cool pool party when the very world could be in such grave peril!  Who’s to say somebody isn’t trying to open it right now?”

“The Shadow Coup is.” “The Shadow Koo is.”

Mouser and Watt smoke at the same time.  They laughed about it because they’re friends.

“Wait, what?” E. Gadd said, utterly shocked and just absolutely BEFUDDLED.  ”Is anybody trying to stop them!?”

“Well, after my retirement, Organization Enigma sort of fell apart,” Mouser sighed, pulling out an old group photo.  ”They’re still trying, DAD bless them… But… As hard as Wise Wisterwood has tried, the group is only a shell of what it once was.”

“I’m sorry,” said Penkoon.

“Thanks!” Mouser smiled.

“What about… the other guys?” E. Gadd said, choosing his words carefully.  ”You know… the… the Seventeen?” he whispered.  Penkoon spit out his juice and Watt started choking on her spicy guacamole crazy dip.  Mouser only stared at the professor, but he was not mad.

“There… there is no more Organization Seventeen,” he said in a cold tone of voice.  ”Not after… Not after what I did to her.”

They said in silence except for Watt who was choking and really needed help.

“So what happened?” E. Gadd asked.  ”Who do you mean?”

Mouser took off his sunglasses with his golden claw and looked up at the setting sun of Deep Bloober Sea.  ”The most beautiful… and most dangerous woman I’ve ever met.  A wonderful chef with a terrible appetite for destruction.”

“Donkey Kong…” Penkoon whispered.

“Um… No, I meant Tayce T.” Mouser corrected.

“Oh…” Penkoon whispered.

“It’s an insane tale,” Mouser chuckled, taking patties off of the Grill of Scorching Nightmares.  ”It happened on the same day that Waluigi sacrificed himself to close the chaos door that the Shadow Koo are trying to open now.”

“Okay, but wait, nobody’s trying to stop them?” E. Gadd demanded.

“Come with me,” Mouser said, ushering his guests into his golden mansion.  ”There is something I’d like you… the ONLY three friends I trust in the WHOLE WORLD to see!”

Watt dropped dead because nobody helped her.

“Shit, okay, I have two friends now,” Mouser groaned.  ”Anyway, come with me.”

They trekked through five hundred golden rooms and hordes upon hordes of diamond bananas and down Mouser’s dark scary dungeon and into his secret vault where absolutely nobody is allowed.  He brought them to a display with housed a beating heart, purple with dark energy.

“Holy fucking shit!” E. Gadd exclaimed.  ”What is that?”

“That’s her heart,” Mouser said.  ”That day… I ripped it out of her with my golden hook and kicked her through the chaos door.”

“Jesus, why did you do that?” Penkoon asked, swatting away the dozens of spiders that were creeping onto him.

“Had no choice, friend,” Mouser said, shaking his head and taking a few puffs of his golden pipe.  ”She had gone trekked too far into the darkness.  I also did it to Torte’s Apprentice, Spitz, The Three Little Pigs, Marilyn, and the Snufit Police from Mario Party 2.  Kicked a lot of people in there!  Anyway, I don’t know what remains of her, but… Her hatred for me has kept this heart beating for ten years.”

“So if… hypothetically… Tayce T. actually made it back to our world and was roaming the land attempting to regain her missing pieces so she could reunite Organization Seventeen in a hostile takeover of the entire world to ensure that the chaos door remains shut for the rest of eternity and also just for the fun of it,” E. Gadd proposed.  ”…she would need this heart, right?”

“Yep,” Mouser said.  ”Good thing that’s impossible.  Waluigi closed the door before she could escape from the chaos realm.”

“Phew!” Penkoon said. “That’s a relief!” He got bit by a spider, OUCH!

“Anyway,” Mouser said.  ”I’m retired now and forever and unless Tayce T. is alive somehow, I’ll never do any fighting again!”  Mouser didn’t know that she was alive but we do because she was in the last chapter.

“Alrighty then,” Penkoon said, stretching his arms and yawning for several minutes.  ”I think it’s about time we hit the hay!  We’re going wind surfing tomorrow!  It’s gonna be CRAaAaAaAaZY!!!” He waved his arms in the air.

“Don’t do that,” Mouser said.

“S… sorry…”

“You coming, Professor?” Mouser turned around.  There was no sign of E. Gadd or the heart.  They were gone because he stole it and then he ran away in a big helicopter that he had ready.

“How curious…” Mouser said, scratching his big bushy golden beard with his golden claw.

E. Gadd’s helicopter took him to a SUPER SECRET VOLCANO LAIR that is SO SECRET that I can’t even tell you where it is!

“Welcome back to Yoshi Cabana!” greeted Poochie.  ”What do you have for us?”

E. Gadd laughed maniacally.  ”I have something for the lady…  Something that will make her very pleased indeed!”

“Cool beans!” said Poochie.

E. Gadd tossed him the heart and it fell on the ground because he didn’t give Poochie any warning.  Poochie picked it up and dusted it off, looking around to make sure nobody saw.  Ninety people saw, though.

“You make sure she gets her heart,” E. Gadd ordered.  ”And make sure she knows who found it!  I’ve got another mission to attend to.”

“Where are you going?” Poochie asked.

E. Gadd turned on the helicopter and put on his super goggles.  He smiled at Poochie and gave him a thumbs up.  ”Gotta find Jimmy T.”

Luma Co-Star stood at the shore of the River Twygz. The cursed waters fed deep into the afterlife dimension and writhed with underhands and the unintelligible shrieks of the damned. In the wake of the opening of the chaos door, this place had changed little. He aimed down the iron sight of his magnum revolver as the ferryman’s boat floated to the shoreline.

“Whoaaa there,” Charold belched, “There issss no need to get violent. You like boatssss? I got a boat. We can ssssail to the UnderWhere. That would be fun, yeah?”

Luma Co-Star lowered his gun.  He did a hop, a twirl, and then two more hops.

“Huhhh? You don’t wanna go there? You want to go to hell?”

Luma Co-star hopped in agreement.

“Okay, that will be 8 coins.”

In response, he trained his revolver square on Charold’s forehead.

“Okay, fine. Nevermind. Fuck. Jussst get on.”

Co-Star Luma holstered his gun, and hovered over the boat as it sailed across the wailing river of tormented souls. He meditated over squirming underhands, and on his mission.

It had been 18 years since he was separated from his Special One. The memory of their adventures together was like a warm fire in his heart. He had been motivated to help him recover the power stars to stop the giant monster, but it did not take long for the attraction to become undeniable. There was just something about those strong arms, the way he moved, the earnesty of that mustache. His deepest dreams had come true when their eyes finally met, and somewhere lost in each other’s gaze their lips found each other and their passion was ignited, with tongue. Being held in those big, powerful arms became all Co-star Luma lived for, and then it was all taken away during the advent of Final Crisis 2. He didn’t care. He had to be reunited with his Special One. No matter what it took.

“Whelp, here we issssssssssssssssss.”

Floating in the middle of the River Twygz was a mysterious warp pipe. It was unlike any other warp pipe in the universe because it was red. Not like a regular red like in New Super Mario Brothers Wii, but like a really scary blood red that you would have in a nightmare (but only when they’re scary).

“Ssssssssss” Charold continued to lisp, belligerently.

Co-Star Luma floated up to the pipe, he peered down its yawning gulf and heard the screams of tortured souls, but they were kind of hard to make out because of all the screams of tortured souls in the water around them.  He began to descend into the pipe when Charold began leaping in alarm.

“WAIT! You know that thisss thing goes to HELL??”

Co-Star Luma rolled his eyes and warped down the pipe. He slid down, down, accelerating faster and faster, the roar of screams growing louder and louder as the pipe drew darker. The smell of sulfur was overwhelming, and smoke began pouring into his eyes, more and more until

“WAHAAAA!” Toad said as he hopped into player among the clouds. Co-Star Luma was confused and glanced around, seeing three others standing beside him.  Each of them looked incredibly tired, terrified, and emaciated. They was each tugging at ropes that did not seem to go anyway. Co-Star Luma hopped in question.

“Oh, ha. I didn’t… I didn’t see you there,” the Bean Bean beside him said vacantly, “You must be new. He’s making us play Tug-Of-War. Have you ever played it before?”

He twirled a no in response.

Without hesitation, the Bean Bean started the match before a practice round could be requested. Co-Star Luma was disoriented and found himself standing on one side of a chasm, holding a rope and dressed in a Bowser suit, while the three other damned souls were opposite of him. The Bean Bean grinned wickedly and yanked on the cord as soon as Toad shrieked “START!!!”

Concentrating, Co-Star Luma rotated the analog stick of his soul as hard and as fast as he could, desperately trying to stand his ground. The arm of his arm began to hurt and the moment he slowed down it was too late, he was pulled face first into the chasm where a gargantuan piranha plant sunk its fangs deep into his torso and began ripped his flesh asunder in the most morbid and fetish-y way possible. The sweet release of death never came as Co-Star luma continued to maintain consciousness as he was reduced to a smear of paste and digested in excruciating pain for what must’ve been a week.

So then the round was over and everyone else got ten coins but he didn’t and that made him really mad.

In the sky over Space Land, the words ‘ROUND 25,123 of 9,999,999 START’ appeared, and it was Co-Star Luma’s turn to hit the dice block. Shit. There was no way that he would have time to complete this competition. He let the dice box squeal overhead and turned toward the Nimbi who was five spaces ahead of him on the map. He twirled twice to ask how he might escape.

“Dude, we’re kind of trapped here for all eternity for punishment for leading shitty mean spirited lives. We get the Mario Bandstand minigame like 80% of the time and it fucking sucks.”

“I GOT AN IDEA DUDE!” Shouted a Crazee Dazee from across the map, “ASK HIM IF HE WANTS THE CONTROLS EXPLAINED TO HIM”

“No! No! Shhh! Don’t even joke abou-“

Toad leapt down from the sky, his eyes ravenous. “Do you want me to explain how to control the game?”

Because this was hell, the only options in response were ‘Yes,’ and at once Toad launched into an excruciatingly detailed explanation about how to press the A Button to jump and how analog sticks work. The pace at which he was explaining the controls indicated that he may be at this for another twenty minutes.

“Run,” the Nimbi pleaded, vacantly “You haven’t been here long enough to have your spirit broken. You have to get out while you can!”

Co-Star Luma tried, but couldn’t move. He twirled in panic. The Nimbi withdrew a Bowser Bomb from his pocket and hurled it. The explosion sent Co-Star Luma falling over the edge of Space Land and into the inky darkness of space. He landed, with a sudden thud, on top of a large ball. Ahead of him, he saw a steep one-way slide obstacle course littered with purple coins. At once, the ball started to move and Co-star Luma was sent careening down the incline at dizzying speeds. After a few insta-kills from falling over the side, he finally made it to the end of the track in one piece where a Gearmo was waiting.

“Hey, you only got 54 of 100 coins. Come back after you get more. And before another word could be said, Co-star Luma appeared at the start of the track and was sent down again. He tried going purposefully after the coins, but the controls were so frustrating and finicky and if he screwed up even slightly it was impossible to go back and get a coin and FUCK HE FELL OVER THE EDGE AGAIN OKAY THIS TIME WE’RE GONNA DO IT ARGH GOD DAMN IT.

Calming himself, Co-Star Luma tried to focus and complete this task with composure. Then he fell off the edge four times in a row.

“SON OF A BITCH SHITTING DAMN FUCK COCK SUCKER!” Screamed Co-Star Luma, who was frustrated.

Finally, after 3 more hours of this, Co-Star Luma got fed up and shot the Gearmo in the face with his magnum the moment he landed. The gun shot starbits, so it stunned the Gearmo for a couple seconds.

“Hey pal, I seem to have a lot of trash piled up around here. If you can destroy it all under the time limit, I’ll give you a star!”

Co-Star Luma shoved the Gearmo over the edge of the platform and he fell into a black hole where he was crushed to death painfully.

“Well done little star, I see you have bested one of my many challenges!”

Satan, the devil, appeared slow clapping out of a puff of smoke. “Not many are able to get out my many sinister and clever punishments! Good show!”

Co-Star Luma twirled.

“What’s that? You want me to reunite you with your special one?” Asked the Great Deceiver.

Co-Star Luma hopped.

“Well, I guess that would be fine. But could you do me a favor in return?”

Co-Star Luma made a really angry face in response.

“Oh, don’t be like that. You don’t have to. I just needed some help and you look like you might be able to assist me,” said the Author of all Sin.

Begrudgingly, Co-Star Luma twirled in agreement.

“Splendid! Oh, I knew you’ve be able to help,” The prince of darkness clapped in excitement, “I need you to help me beat Chaos Satan. He’s a big problem because he’s trying to take over hell and make it a worse place! We have to stop him!”

Co-Star Luma DID think that was a noble task, and decided that it if it meant being able to be together with his Special One again that it was worth any effort. However, before he was able to ask where they would begin, Lucifer put a finger to his lips and hushed him.

“Wait. We have to get out of here. My boss is coming. If he finds us here he’ll kill us both.”

Co-Star Luma looked for some way off the platform, but there were no paths but bottomless pit.

“HE’S HERE!” In panic, the chief of demons bent down on one knee and bowed low, “My liege! I-I didn’t expect to see you here! Please forgive me for straying from my post?”

Co-Star Luma grew pale as he looked into the smiling face of Belome.

“WHOOOOOOooaoaaaoAOOAOAOOAOOH!!!!”

Jolene and Klevar hung on tight as the BONE-LER COASTER, a giant fully functioning roller coaster ride made entirely out of bones, took them down a spiraling vortex of bone track into the ocean.  Klevar gritted his teeth in determination.  He wouldn’t let Organization Enigma or his hot girlfriend Jolene die. 

After eighty-six minutes of bone-chilling loops and turns and twists, the cart finally screeched to a halt.  Klevar and Jolene climbed out of the cart and found themselves in a massive throne room decorated with bones.  The floor was littered with bones.  Everything was bones.

At the far end of the room, Diddy Kong, the Mad King of the Ancient Sunken City of Kehk’Kulla, sat on a massive throne made of bones, aiming the Burning Crossbow at T.T. from Diddy Kong Racing, who was chained to a wall on the opposite end of the room.  At Diddy’s side stood his retainer, Grubba, who appeared to be on the verge of vomiting.  After a few more seconds of careful aiming, Diddy fired.

THWACK

“Ha, ha, you missed!”

THWACK

“Ow, okay, that time, you-“

THWACK

Klevar and Jolene walked past T. T.’s burning corpse and approached the Bone Throne where Grubba was vomiting everything in his stomach onto the bone floor.  Diddy Kong clapped sarcastically as they got closer.  He sprung out of the throne and spread out his arms in delight.

“BEHOLD, THE FORMER ORGANIZATION SEVENTEEN.”

Along the walls were numerous burnt corpses of past members of Organization Seventeen: Koopa the Quick, the Yoshi from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, even…

“BLACK NINJAKOOPA!!!”

Jolene ran up to the corpse that was her old boyfriend that was hanging on the wall, his black mask barely recognizable in the smoldering ruins.  Leaning up on tippy-toes, she gave the body a passionate, sticky kiss on the knee, which was weird.

“Unfortunately for him,” Diddy said grinning.  “He could not be a player long in the GAME OF BONES.  BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA”

As Diddy began chanting what to him must’ve been some sort of orchestral intro, Klevar and Jolene stared in confusion as Grubba quickly wheeled in a small, beautifully intricate clockwork model of the world made entirely of bones.  They could see key locations, their likenesses perfectly captured in bones and clearly labeled: the Mushroom Kingdom, now torn in two by the effects of Merlon’s thunder shuriken attack after the war, Western Land a ghost town in ruins inhabited only by the mindless, withered slaves of Wiggler and her perpetual cycle of hootenannies, and Goomba Village, a filthy patchwork town that now served as Booster’s den for prostitutes and rapists.

“GAAAAME OF BOOOONES BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM!”

All that could be heard for the next eight minutes was Grubba clapping frantically as Diddy held his arms out in an outstretched pose of triumph.

“O…okay,” said Klevar.  “Why did you make an entire eighty six minute long roller coaster and throne room and clockwork recreation of the world entirely out of bones.”

“I had a lot of bones.”

“Oh.”

“So what brings you to my BONEdom?” Diddy asked.  Inwardly, he was very proud of the joke he had just made; he hadn’t thought of it till only three seconds ago.  “As you can see, I killed most of my fellow brothers and sisters of the Organization, and the few that got away won’t be coming back any time soon.  Organization Seventeen is dead!”

“You’re a fool,” Jolene snapped.  “You know just as well as we at Enigma do that the dark lord Kooper and your mistress Tayce T. won’t be gone for long.”

“Wise Wisterwood sent us here to negotiate a temporary ceasefire,” said Klevar.  “We also want our share of the Dark Artifacts-“

“NO!”

Diddy Kong slammed his fist on the right arm of the Bone Throne, shattering it into pieces because it was only made of bone.

“THE DARK ARTIFACTS BELONG TO ME!  ME, ME, ME!  I GOT THEM FIRST, THEY’RE MINE!  SEE?!?!”

He gestured grandly to the side of the room.  As Grubba dutifully cranked a lever, a table made of bones rose out of the ground with the Seven Dark Artifacts on its surface, glittering evilly.

“As you can see, I managed to get all of them in my possession,” Diddy boasted.  “And nothing you can say will get me to-HEY!  HEY, STOP TAKING THEM!  HEY!”

Diddy Kong fell out of the Bone Throne and ran over to the bone table, but tripped three times along the way as Klevar and Jolene managed to grab five of the Artifacts and stuff them in their pockets. 

“NEITHER OF YOU WILL LEAVE THIS ROOM ALIVE!” Diddy frothed.  He grabbed the Dark Gun off the bone table and aimed it at the two.   “I’LL SHOOT YOU ONE THOUSAND TIMES!”

“You’re insane!” said Klevar.  “That much Dark Influence concentrated in one room?!  It’d blow up the whole kingdom!”

“DOESN’T MATTER!” Diddy screamed.  “YOU WIN OR YOU LOSE IN THE GAAAAAME OOOOOF BOOOOOONES!  BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BAAAAAAAAAAAAGH”

He staggered forward, the Danger Trident bursting out of his chest from within.  Turning his head back, he found himself face to face with a triumphant looking Grubba whose hands were still gripping the end of the Trident.

“Vivian sends her regards,” Grubba hissed into Diddy’s ear.

“I…mpo….ssibl….e….”

Diddy collapsed, dead as balls.

Jolene stared at Grubba.  “Who asked you to do this?”

“I did.”

Everyone turned to see the dark enigma dreadlord, Kooper, walking towards them dragging his scythes along the bone floor.  Walking with him was Kolorado, who was staggering and throwing up non-stop because roller coasters made him feel yucky.

“My dreadlord!”

All three Enigma agents got down on both knees, outstretched their arms into jazz hand poses, and leaned their heads back, looking straight up at the ceiling in the traditional Enigma pose of servitude.

“From now on,” Kooper said to Grubba.  “You will be known as the Kong Slayer for the good work you have done today.”

“My dreadlord!” Klevar gasped.  “We thought you were gone!  What of Wise Wisterwood?”

“Wise Wisterwood is dead,” Kooper said to his followers.  “His arrogance and his impatience to succeed me cost him his life.”

“But my dreadlord,” Jolene whispered.  “Wise Wisterwood had the Chaos Whip.  How could you have defeated him?”

CLANG.

Everyone turned to see Kolorado who triumphantly got up while still covered head to toe in vomit.  He had pounded his fists together, but on both fists were

“TWO Inferno Gauntlets?!”

“But my dreadlord, how is that even possible?!”

“Anything is possible for Organization Enigma, my children.  Now rise.  Time is running short, and Tayce T. is already gathering her forces in full.  The War of the Five Kingdoms is beginning.”

Kooper paused to crush Diddy Kong’s skull under his foot.

“And I intend to win it.”

BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM

Pennington stared into the lifeless eyes of his father, Penbert.  That wicked smile he had known for so many years was forever baked onto his father’s half-robot face, but never again would it breathe the robot fire that had ruined so many lives.

“Father…” Pennington said, cold and emotionless.  ”I gave you a chance to listen…  I gave you a chance to change… But instead you let that BASTARD Tuxie lead you into oblivion! Why did you do that!?” He punched seven holes in the wall because thinking about Tuxie made him SO MAD.

The Museum of Chaos, built over the ashes of Tall Tall Mountain, stood as a monument of remembrance for those whose lives had been torn apart by the war.  It was within these hallowed halls that Pennington shared a moment with the stuffed corpse of his father, and ironically, the very location that their fateful final confrontation had taken place.

“Do you remember, dad!?” Pennington yelled.  ”Do you remember what happened that day!?  How Wart… how Wart lost his life!?”  Pennington screamed but we don’t get to hear it because we’re going into a flashback right now.

“Father, what are you doing!?” Pennington yelled, pointing his bazooka chainsaw at his father.

“I’m going to kill Wart!!!” Penbert said, laughing maniacally.  He breathed robot fire on Wart, who immediately melted and was very sad because he really didn’t want this to happen to him.

“OH NO!” Pennington shouted and he cried.

The flashback is over now and we see that Pennington has punched thirty more holes in the wall in the meantime.  Now he was crying.  He was crying like the Great Fire Flower that Penbert had promised would lead them to salvation.  But it was all a lie.  The Great Fire Flower turned out to be a fucking asshole who just set everything on fire and cried a whole lot.

Then he heard something.  A heavy, raspy breathing, eminating from the darkness.  Pennington turned and face the darkness, clutching the Bazooka of Unrelenting Sorrow that he had brought with him just in case.

“Hhhhh… It’s been a long time… Pennington…” said a voice in the darkness.

“Who are you!?” Pennington called out.  He had a hunch, but… but no, it couldn’t be!

“It’s me…” replied the voice.  A wheelchair painted Shadow the Hedgehog Black rolled out from the darkness.  On top of it, Pennington recognized the beaten and battered sillhuoette of Grodus.  ”Do you remember… Pennington?”

“YOU!!!” Pennington shouted.  ”What the FUCK are you doing here!?  Are you here to taunt me about how you turned the Order into the massive cult it’s become!?  Are you here to make FUN OF ME!?” Pennington punched another two hundred and nine holes in the wall and this pretty much caused the wall to fall apart.

“Yes…” Grodus laughed.  ”But also… hhhhhh… to KILL yoooouuu….” He snapped his fingers and three familiar faces filed in.

Pennington gasped.  ”No, it can’t be!  My best friends!  Toadsworth!  Zess T.!  And… of all people… the person who I used to love more than anything in the world…”

“It’s useless to resist, Pennington!” said Axem Yellow while biting into a big greasy cheeseburger.  ”The love we once had is meaningless! I now serve a much greater cause!” Toadsworth and Zess T. agreed with him.

“Back off!” yelled Pennington, who fired a chainsaw in Toadsworth’s direction.  The chainsaw severed Toadsworth’s arm and blood spurted out of the stub.

“Dude!” Toadsworth yelled, picking up his arm.  ”You need to chill out!”

“Yeah, stop resisting!” Zess T. yelled, pointing a pocketknife threateningly at Pennington.  ”Don’t make us beat you up!”

Pennington was nervous because he didn’t want to be beaten up.  He set the Bazooka of Unrelenting Sorrow on the ground in front of him.  ”Alright, I’ll play along,” Pennington growled.  ”But know this… whatever you do to me, the Shadow Coup will continue to grow… They may be scared of you now, but soon, they’ll be unstoppable!”

“Perhaps!” replied Axem Yellow, meticulously licking and sucking grease from each of his digits.  ”But no matter how big they get… they don’t have The Great Fire Flower!”

The ceiling exploded and peering over them was the colossal figure of the Great Fire Flower.  Massive tears dripped from his face and exploded into flames wherever they landed.

“OH NO!” screamed Pennington.

“BOOOO BOO BOO BOOO!!” cried the Great Fire Flower, setting fire to the entire museum and what little effort had been made to restore Tall Tall Mountain to its former glory.

“I’m going to stop this monster!!”  Pennington said.  ”Right here and now!”

“Not so fast, son!!” yelled a voice from behind him.  Suddenly Pennington was held tightly by his father’s cold robot arms.  ”I was alive and waiting for you this whole time!  And now I will kill you as I have dreamed of doing ever since you went against the order! AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!”

A piece of shrapnel then shot through Penbert’s robot eye and his head exploded in a shower of blood and electricity.  Pennington grabbed his bazooka and shot several chainsaws at his former friends.  Axem Yellow and Toadsworth ducked out of the way, but poor Zess T. wasn’t paying attention and was blended into a fine, bloody pulp.

“NO!!!” Toadsworth screamed, crying.  ”I loved her!”  He looked at Pennington, a fire in his eyes.  ”I’LL KILL-” but then a giant tear drop landed on him and erupted in flames and died immediately.

“Looks like things are starting to heat up!” Axem Yellow said.  He whistled through his sweaty fingers and his flaming demon stallion galloped into the fray.  He hopped on top and took the reigns (which were covered in BLOOD), pointing Serpentilius’s Shotgun at his former lover.  ”Come on, Pennington!  The Great Fire Flower is unstoppable and nothing can stop it!  Won’t you rejoin the Order and help us crush the Shadow Coup under our feet?  It can be… just like the old days…”

Pennington shed a single tear.  They used to go to the diner ever Sunday and Axem Yellow would get a hundred milkshakes and Pennington used to think it was so cute.  Oh, how he would love to go back and enjoy just one more shake!  ”I’m sorry…  We can never go back… You’ve changed too much, Axem Yellow.  I’m putting a stop to this right here and now!”  He pointed his bazooka at the Great Fire Flower.

“Stop!” said Axem Yellow.  ”That flower’s unstoppable!”

“BOO BOO BOOOOO!!!” the Great Fire Flower continued to cry its destructive tears.  There was no backdrop, no landscape, only flames.

“Oh yeah?” yelled Pennington.  ”Well, take THIS!!” He fired two chainsaws at the Great Fire Flower and it was sliced into pieces and died.

“SHIT!” yelled Grodus.  ”That really sucks!!! Hhhh….”

Pennington turned and Axem Yellow was charging at him.  Those tearful eyes showed nothing but remorse.  Pennington sidestepped his attacker and Axem Yellow stampeded directly into the flames and caught on fire.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” he screamed.  ”Pennington!  Please!!”

Pennington looked at the pitiful display before him.  The once great and mighty Axem Yellow was being burned alive.  His eyes now expressed only one thing.  He desired a merciful death.

“I’m sorry!” Axem Yellow cried.  ”All I ever wanted was you!  You were… everything to me! But please… this fire really hurts a lot!  Kill me, Pennington!”

Pennington shed SO MANY TEARS and Aerith’s theme from Final Fantasy VII is playing in the background because this scene is really sad.  Whispering a goodbye, he shot a chainsaw at Axem Yellow who got cut into pieces and died with a smile.  The flames finally died down and once again, Tall Tall Mountain was ashes.

“Geez…” said Grodus, who had sat there watching the whole thing and it was really awkward.  ”That was fucked up…”

“Grodus… you’ve led the Order of the Crying Fire Flower into ashes…” Pennington said.  He pointed the bazooka at Grodus and fired as many chainsaws as he possibly could.

“BLAAEGAAAGHAHAGBLAAAGH!!!” screamed Grodus who died horribly.

“The Order of the Crying Fire Flower is under new management!” Pennington announced, lightning up a cigar.  ”This time… I’ll lead them to true salvation!  The salvation that only resides… behind the door!”  He pulled off Grodus’s shadow cloak and disappeared.

A single flower pedal landed on the ashes like a single tear from heaven.

When we last left Captain Toad, he had gotten himself stuck at the bottom of the Last Well with his trusty sidekick, General White.  Things were looking grim, as there was no way to for the duo to climb back up!  The shaft was also being filled with hot lava by Huff N. Puff and his gang of cronies, which was honestly just making things worse.

“Fuck!  Goddamn!” yelled Captain Toad, looking for a way out.  “There’s no way out! Shit!”

“W-w-w-what do we do!?” yelled General White, shaking with fear. He was very scared.

“UWAAAH PAH PAH PAH!!!” cackled Huff N. Puff as he signaled in yet another cement truck full of hot lava towards the Last Well.  “It’s curtains for you, Captain Toad!  You’re no match for hot lava!”

“WHAT!?” the two yelled from the bottom of the well.

“Oh,” Huff N. Puff said, realizing that the well was twenty miles deep.  “I SAID UWAAAH PAH PAH PAH!!!  IT’S CURTAINS FOR YOU, CAPTAIN TOAD! YOU’RE NO MATCH FOR HOT LAVA!” he yelled louder.

“FUCK YOU, HUFF N. PUFF!!!” Captain Toad yelled back.  “WE’RE GONNA FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE!”

“Gee, boss!  Things are startin’ to heat up down here! LITERALLY!!!” General White said, being careful not to step in hot lava.  “We gotta think of somethin’ pronto!”

“I know, I know!” Captain Toad groaned, furrowing his brow.  “Think, think, THINK!”

“LOOKS LIKE THE END OF THE ROAD, BOYS!!!” yelled Huff N. Puff.

“SHHHH!!!”

“S… sorry…”

Captain Toad thought SO HARD and every precious second counted at this point. Temperatures were skyrocketing.  It was only a matter of time before they were toast.  It was sad too because Huff N. Puff was destroying a precious historical landmark in the process and he didn’t even care.  It’s just the kind of guy he is!

“I’VE GOT IT!!!” yelled Captain Toad, sweating profusely and beginning to blister from the heat.  “I know how we can escape!”

“Thank heavens!” yelled General White.  “But you better make it quick!  I’m not feeling so hot!” This was ironic because he was on fire.

Captain Toad pulled out the Fairie’s Conch that he obtained in his LAST thrilling adventure after a heated battle that ended with the extinction of the entire Bub-ulb race.  Remember?  It was a really good episode!  Anyway, Captain Toad blew on the shell and its melodic tunes rang out through the skies.  They were carried on the winds of fate miles and miles into the distance.  Somewhere far away, Parakarry was laying in bed with his beautiful wife, Koopie Koo.

“What’s wrong, my love?” whispered Koopie Koo, gently stroking Parakarry’s temple.

Parakarry smiled.  ”It’s just… every day I wonder how I got to be so lucky.  Most people wait an entire lifetime to find somebody like you.”

“Oh, P!” Koopie Koo said, kissing him on the forehead.  She stared passionately into his eyes, a calm smile on her face.  “I wish… we could stay like this.  Just you and me.  Without… well, you know.”

Parakarry closed his eyes and shook his head.  ”Don’t worry, love… Today is dedicated only to you.  I don’t even want to think about that foul-mouthed…”

SCROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN

It was the conch.  Parakarry stopped short and looked into the sky.  He was super conflicted.  He knew they needed him, but he just promised his wife that he would stay with her.  What to do?  Which side to choose?

“It’s them, isn’t it?” Koopie Koo growled, clearly frustrated.  “You’re going to go to them, aren’t you?”

“I…” Parakarry sighed.  He stood up and began zipping up his green pants.  “I’m sorry, Koo, you know how it is.  I made a promise.”

“A promise, huh!?” Koopie yelled and she screamed into her pillow and knocked a plate off of the end table.  “So you’re breaking your promise to me to keep a promise with them, huh? They’re more important than me, huh? That’s the choice you’re making? You’re choosing your job over love?  HUH?”

Shit!  Parakarry thought, putting on his eyepatch that let him see through walls and flossing his teeth.  ”No, it’s not like that!” he pleaded.  ”I love you, but I can’t abandon them! They could be in big trouble!”

“YOU’RE gonna be in big trouble if you leave me here alone!” Koopie yelled back, throwing a pillow at him, which sent him flying into the wall, which he was able to see through.  “I’m going to let you decide one more time!  Here is your ultimatum! You either stay here and we can remain blissfully in love, or you can help your friends and you’ll never see me ever again!! IT HAS TO BE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!”

“Goddamnit!” yelled Parakarry as he packed a nutritionally-balanced lunch for the long journey ahead.  “You’re not making this easy!”

“I know!”

Parakarry looked at Koopie Koo.  So beautiful.  So pretty.  She was everything he could ever want in a woman.  She was perfect.  But as much as he wanted to stay and make this work, he knew in his heart that it wasn’t meant to last.  He looked away from her, tears filling his eyes.  If only… he thought.  But whatever happened, the prophecy always came first.

“Then I guess this is goodbye,” he whispered, opening the front door.

“You’re really doing it then!?” Koopie said, trying to hide her tears.  “Just like that, you’re throwing me away!?”

“Sorry, babe,” Parakarry said.  At this point he was crying like CRAZY and snot was like, oozing out of his nose and everything.  “I guess… I guess we were just meant to live different lives.”

“I’LL…” Koopie started, but broke down in tears herself.  “I’ll… I’ll miss you… P…”

Parakarry said nothing.  He simply nodded.  And then he took off, not looking back for even one second.  He was SO SAD. “Farewell, my goddess…”, he whispered to himself.  He didn’t have the courage to say it out loud.  Was this the right move?  Was it fair to leave without saying it?  He would never know…

Meanwhile, Koopie Koo stared out into the horizon.  A single feather from her former lover drifted from the heavens and landed square on her face.  She picked it up and hugged it tightly.  ”Oh, Parakarry… wherever you’re going… be careful… Farewell my goddess…”

Parakarry continued flying in the direction of the call.  Hold on, captain! he thought, flying at twenty times the speed of sound.  I’m on my way!  You two… you two are the only thing I have left!

Parakarry landed next to the Last Well.  Huff N. Puff and some of his cronies were looking down the well.

“Huff N. Puff, you fiend!” Parakarry said assuming an excellent fighting stance.  “Where are Captain Toad and General White?”

“Dead, I think,” Huff N. Puff said, not looking up.  “It’s twenty miles down so we can’t really tell, but I’m pretty sure they’re dead.”

“CAPTAIN TOAD!!!” Parakarry yelled , looking down the well.  “I HEARD THE SIGNAL!”

There was no response at all.

“What did you do?” Parakarry asked.

Huff N. Puff scratched his head.  ”Well they got stuck in this well so we started pouring hot lava in it.  They stopped responding a few hours ago and we put a LOT of hot lava in there.  I just sort of assumed they’d escape?  It’s a really awkward situation and now we’re not sure what to do.”

“I have to save them!” Parakarry yelled, preparing to leap into the well.

“Whoa, dude!” Huff N. Puff said.  “Don’t do that! It’s hot down there! You’ll be cooked alive!”

Parakarry adjusted his eyepatch that could see through walls, pulled up his green pants, zipped up his purple wind breaker, and hopped onto the side of the well. “That’s just a chance I’ll have to take!” he said, winking at Huff N. Puff.  Huff N. Puff couldn’t see it because of the eyepatch.

“I’m serious!” Huff N. Puff yelled.  “You’ll burst into flames before you’ve made halfway down! It’s suicide!”

Parakarry smirked and dove headfirst into the well and everything that Huff N. Puff described happened to him.