Chapter Nine: Eighth Day of Doomed Reckoning

“Tuxie!” Shouted Frankly, because he did not want to whisper, “You have to let me go! I have to find the SERUM!!”

Tuxie the penguin sliced off Frankly’s head, and the severed legs started spraying blood all over the place.

“Man, this is a lot of blood,” Tuxie said. Kooper was not going to be happy about this, but they were mortal enemies so Tuxie did not care.

The groaning from outside the Poshley Height Hotel began to grow in volume. Penguin zombies began to flail and trash against the entrance doors, the fortifications would not last long. Tuxie turned to Jagger, who had created these monstrosities with his abominable science

“Look at what your playing God has done! Look at the tormented faces of the undead! What do you have say for yourself?”

“Dude, my bad. Sorry.”

“NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” Tuxie grabbed Jagger’s microscope and began beating him with it, then he jammed his flipper into Jagger and tore out his appnedix and strangled him with it until he stopped living so much.

“Okay.” Tuxie said. Then the rotting carcus of Chief Chilly burst through the hotel wall, wailing and sprewing blood and bones and darkness.

The penguin zombies began to flood into the room, and Tuxie had to use his throwing knife gun to keep them at bay. Slowly he was being backed into a corner, but then he started freaking out and glowing.

“TUXIE!” The disembodied voice of his dearest friend Fuzzipede rang out, “The danger of the zombies has unlocked your latent psychic abilities! You must use the power of the Psionic Blade to survive!”

“I can’t!!!” Tuxie screamed, as the zombies came closer and wanted to bite him.

“BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART AND THE PROPHECY!!” Fuzzipede exclaimed, and vanished.

“NO!! FUZZIPEDE!” Tuxie screamed, and not being able to hold back his emotion suddenly exploded with energy. All the energy was rushing through him all the time!


The Psionic Sword sprang into Tuxie’s hand, a glowing really big huge sword that totally decapitated twenty zombies at once, he jumped into the crowd of zombies and tore off all their arms and faces and then made a chainsaw out of them and hurled it into the undead corpse of Chief Chilly.

“GRAAHARGHHWWGH.” Said the zombie Chief Chilly.

He exploded into gore, and Tuxie quickly stabbed every zombie in the face twenty times with his Psionic Blade and then made them explode.

The Hotel was quiet again, for the first times in years. Poshley Heights could finally rest in pieces.

Tuxie turned away, throwing his black cloak wide open. He began to march back to Moleville, where he was needed.

“You’ll pay for this, Belome.”



Apprentice ran away from the real army, but he wasn’t very fast because he was a chef, not a runner, and this wasn’t a cooking competition.  Up ahead of him, the path split into two, one leading to a hazardous cliffside and the other to Mini-Game Stadium.  Apprentice fucking hated mini games.

The young Koopa chef ran to the edge of the cliff and stopped to take a breather.  He watched as the entire real army took the other path to Mini-Game Stadium because they wanted to win the star.  Relieved that that little inconsequential plot thread was over, Apprentice sat down to rest.

WHAM!  Apprentice was tackled over the side by Klepto, the thieving vulture character from Super Mario 64 for the Nintendo 64 Entertainment System, or the Nintendo Dual-Screen Entertainment System if you purchased the remake Super Mario 64 DS. 

“WHAT THE, WHO ARE YOU, A DAMN GHOST?!”  Apprentice screamed as his face was slammed against the cliff-side, shredding off his nose.  Klepto cackled as he soared faster into a death-dive, still clutching Apprentice in his grasp.

Not willing to give up that easily, Apprentice took out his frying pan and began bashing Klepto in the face, crushing his beak into pieces and gouging out an eyeball.  But the vulture’s determination didn’t subside as he went even faster than a car. 

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, KLEPTO?!”  Apprentice screamed as his legs were torn off by a nearby cliff-rock and blood sprayed on the cliff walls.  “DON’T YOU REALIZE THAT WE’LL BOTH DIE?!”

There was an awkward pause as Klepto pondered these words. 

“We die together?”



“I’m not joking.”‘

In a cave in the middle of the cliff, Tayce T. and Anti Guy were having a nice little tea party. 

“This tea party is so nice, isn’t it, Tayce?”

“You won’t live for much longer.”

“Wait, what?’

Before Tayce T. could elaborate, Apprentice and Klepto flew past the cave screaming wildly. 

“A man is falling down,” Anti Guy remarked.

“A young man, isn’t he?”


Anti Guy hadn’t intended to end his sentence so strangely, but Tayce T. had taken out her demonic sword and chopped his head into forty-six pieces. 


“FOR THE GLORY OF ORGANIZATION SEVENTEEN!”  Tayce T. shrieked as she placed the pieces into a sack.  “THE BRONZE HAND OF DESTINY IS NOW WITHIN OUR GRASP!  THE PROPHECY SHALL BE FULFILLED!”  But that’s not important right now.

“How are we going to get out of this situation?!”  Klepto panicked.

“I must somehow make sense of our convoluted situation,” Apprentice said calmly.  “I must do chi, spiritual unification.”

Suddenly, both slammed through a bunch of Yellow Blocks that were floating there for no reason.

“OW, SHIT!”  Apprentice screamed as chunks of yellow smiling block lodged into his chest.  There was so much blood.

“You know, the only reason I signed up to kill you was because of that failed heist at Crystal Palace!”  Klepto explained.

“Crystal Palace?”  Apprentice repeated.  “You mean that failed heist where everyone died because there was a mole in the group?  The heist where Bowser Jr. died?!”

The two wept for hours as they remembered their good friend Bowser Jr. and how awesome he was.  Then they went back to panicking.

“Klepto!”  Apprentice shouted as his arm exploded into a mess of gore.  “I know who the mole was!” 






“I know who the mole was.”

“Really, who?”

“It was…”

Just as Apprentice was about to speak, his torso was cut in half by a nearby sharp rock and his organs flew out all gross-like.


“Quickly, Apprentice!”  Klepto shouted as his left wing dissolved into a blood mist.  “I need to know who the mole was!”

Apprentice paused and then made a 270 degree turn.  Then he made another 270 degree turn to face Klepto.

“It was me.”


Apprentice then took out the Jade Dagger of Fate and slammed it into Klepto’s neck.  The power of the Dagger tore out Klepto’s entire skeletal structure and that killed him.  Apprentice then closed his eyes as the ground came closer and closer.

It came eventually.  WHAM.

When Apprentice came to, he didn’t know where he was.

“Oh my god, I felt like I was having a dream!”

Then he realized the remainder of Klepto’s body was draped on top of him.  “Oh, ew.”

He started to get up.  Apprentice grinned.  Organization Enigma would be pleased with the results of his mission.  The War of the Two Kingdoms would surely turn to their favor now.

Then he felt the Jade Dagger of Fate stab into his arm.  Apprentice turned and found himself face to face with…

“Red Ninjakoopa!”

“I’m sorry about this, Apprentice,” Red Ninjakoopa whispered.  “But I’m going to have to rip out your skeletal structure now.”

“Joke’s on you!”  Apprentice scoffed.  “I don’t have a skeletal structure!”

“…Yes, you do.”

“Oh, crap.”

As Apprentice’s bones began to fly out of his body, Red Ninjakoopa revealed his secret.

“You were the mole?  Well, I was the double-mole.”

Apprentice would’ve had time to gasp, but his skeletal structure was gone by that point and it was physically impossible.

Red Ninjakoopa smirked as he pocketed the Jade Dagger of Fate.  He began to walk away from the gruesome scene until he was shot in the knee.


Red Ninjakoopa fell on the ground and looked up to see Tap-Tap the Red Nose holding an assault rifle.

“Sorry, Red,” Tap-Tap said coolly as he pocketed his assault rifle.  “But I was the triple-mole.”




Young Cricket threw up four quarts of blood and fell over.  He landed on the arrow sticking out of his arm, pushing it further into his bone and forcing more blood to spill out onto the floor of the fireproof lava-boat.

“Ouch!” he said, very annoyed.

“Be careful, you fool!” Valentina scolded, punching Young Cricket in the face and knocking out two of his teeth.  “We need you in one piece for this!”

The young Tae Kwon Doe student nodded, rubbing the swollen red bump he’d received as a result of the punch.

The two sworn rivals floated silently through the river of lava.  Normally a boat would melt or catch on fire on top of lava, but their boat was fire-proof, and on top of that, it was also a lava boat. It was okay in the lava.

Eventually they pulled up to a patch of land, where they disembarked.  Young Cricket forgot that his leg was broken and his femur snapped in half because he jumped on it.  A loud crack echoed through the caverns as a result.

“HUSH!” Valentina bellowed.

“My bad,” Young Cricket chuckled, laying helplessly on the ground in excruciating pain.

Valentina stepped pass the body of a decapitated Duplighost, which was still squirting out blood.  She got some on her dress and was quite annoyed because her dress is white and stains show up very easily on it.  She looked up and saw a figure who she recognized instantly.

“Belome!” she yelled furiously.

The figure did not respond.

“Hey! Belome!”

Still no response.


“Who’s Belome?” the figure said, turning around. It was Hooktail the dragon.

“Oh, my bad,” Valentina said, blushing.  “I thought that you were Belome.”

“What do you want?” the dragon growled.

“The Chains of Remorse, naturally,” she said.  “You know as well as I do that they are the ultimate power in this world.”

“This is true,” the dragon nodded, walking down towards them.  As she came closer, the two noticed that her eye had been gouged out and was oozing some yellow liquid. It was pretty gross. “As the prophecy states, one who possesses the chains will hold the ultimate power and will be unstoppable.”

“It’s true, isn’t it?” Young Cricket inquired.

“Yes, of course!” Hooktail said, breathing fire at them.  Valentina’s hair caught on fire and her scalp began to peel off.  She bellowed in pain, dousing the fire with her hands, which suffered from third degree burns.

“Can we please have them?” Valentina whimpered.

“No way!” Hooktail shouted.  “They’re mine! And only I can control this universe! Only I can unlock the Chaos Door!”

“You can’t unlock it!” Young Cricket corrected.  “Nobody knows how to!”

“I do,” Hooktail said.

“Oh, you do?” Young Cricket asked.



“You two know far too much,” Hooktail told them.  “I think it’s time you were disposed of.”

Young Cricket and Valentina instantly grabbed their longswords and faced Hooktail in an attack pose.  Young Cricket threw some ninja stars which stabbed deep into Hooktail’s throat and exploded with blood.

Suddenly, the young boy felt a sharp pain ring throughout his body as his right kidney was pierced fifty three times.  He turned around quickly and found Marilyn engulfed in flames, holding a bloody auger.  “You!” Young Cricket said, blood rushing down his chin. His vision blurred and his legs gave out.  He tumbled backwards and hit his head on a sharp rock, where it exploded in a mess of blood and brains.

“NO!” Valentina cried, running to her childhood friend.  “You can’t be gone!”

Hooktail took this opportunity to stomp on her.  Before she could react, Valentina felt a massive paw crush her ribcage into her lungs.  She wasn’t even able to scream before death took her.  Her dress was completely stained with blood.

“Pitiful, fools,” Hooktail scoffed.  “The door has to be opened.  We don’t have any other choice.”

“Guh,” Marilyn nodded, sheathing her auger.

Hooktail stepped forward, stepping on Young Cricket’s body, which exploded into a puddle of blood.  “Marilyn, they know about the chains. We must leave this place.”

“Guh,” Marilyn said.

“There is only one place I know where we will be safe,” the dragon said, looking tearfully into the stars.  “We have no other options.”

Marilyn frowned, but knew there was no choice.  She climbed onto her godmother’s back and the two flew off towards Western Land.


“No!” shouted Peasley. “NO!”

The prince’s shouting was a futile effort.  Peasley grasped desperately as the last bit of Luigi’s Engine Room sank into the Sea of Abysses.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” he shouted angrily, falling to his knees. All hope was lost.  Peasley had one last chance to protect the Sacred Land, and he screwed it up big time.  There was no way to win now.

He gazed into the deep darkness of the sea.  He could see no remains of his precious kingdom.  Within a few minutes, seven of Peasley’s tears joined the massive body of water.

“What’s the matter there, son?” said a voice from behind. Peasley turned around and saw Guppy.

“Hey Guppy,” Peasley said, rubbing his nose.  “It’s over… It’s all over…”

“What are you talking about Peasley?” Guppy asked.

Peasley looked at the sunset.  It was causing the dark waters to glow a magnificent amber color.  “I thought I could help someone… I thought I could better the world…” He looked down at his peg leg.  “But I guess I was too ambitious…”

“Don’t say that, Peasley” Guppy said.  “You did your best!”

“No, I didn’t!” the Beanbean shouted, slamming his fist onto the painting of Melody he was floating on.  “If I did, none of this would have happened!”

“What about the Twelve Brown Coins?” Guppy reminded him.  “We never would’ve collected them without your help.”

“We only found ten, remember?”  Peasley mumbled.

“What?” Guppy asked.

“We only found ten, remember?” Peasley said louder.

“Oh yeah,” said the fish.

Suddenly, Peasley’s walkie talkie started crackling.  He picked it up.  “What?”

“Peasley, the Vanilla Dome is under attack! Even dinosaurs are here!” shouted a voice from the other end.

“Sorry, Bowyer,” Peasley replied.  “I’m through.”

“NO!” Bowyer yelled. “NO! PEASLEY, NO!”

“Yeah,” Peasley said.

“SERIOUSLY, DON’T!” Bowyer yelled.

“I’m really through,” Peasley said.



“WOW, THAT SUCKS!” Bowyer shouted.

“Is that Bowyer?” Guppy interrupted.

“Oh, yeah, it is,” Peasley replied.

“Hey Bowyer, it’s Guppy!” he said.

“HI GUPPY!” Bowyer replied.  “OH NO! AAAAAAAHHH!” There was an explosion from the other end of the walkie talkie followed by static.

“Bowyer, no!” Peasley cried, trying desperately to get a signal.  “This can’t be happening!”

“Peasley! Snap out of it!” Guppy said.  “Don’t you see that you’re needed now more than ever!? There’s someone down there who NEEDS you right now! Only you can save the day this time!”

“…you’re right,” Peasley said.  “What am I thinking? I’m being DUMB!”

He dove dramatically into the sea, knowing there was still one chance.  He swam through the exploding gears and various pieces of machinery floating around.  It was hard to see in the infinite darkness, but Peasley knew what he was looking for.

Then he saw it.  A small silhouette of a girl, floating in front of a sunken ship, with Toadsworth’s lifeless body floating nearby.  Peasley cringed at the sight, but continued towards the girl.

“BBBLMBLAO!” shouted Peasley. He was underwater and his words didn’t come out clearly at all.

He violently swam towards the girl, dodging all sorts of explosions and robot sharks, eventually coming close enough to touch her.


Suddenly, a huge explosion rang out and Kooper flew towards them firing eighty seven darkness harpoons at the same time.  He was wearing the Scuba Suit of Nightmares.

Peasley didn’t have any time to waste.  He grabbed the unconscious girl and swam towards a nearby cave.  Six harpoons impaled his left leg, but he quickly ripped them out and continued swimming.

“I NEED YOUR BLOOD, PRINCE!” Kooper roared, unsheathing his katana and charging it up.

“BLLRMFRMAO!” Peasley shouted back.

“You knew this would happen! The prophecy predicted it from the very beginning.”

Peasley stopped. Kooper was right.  He looked into the unconscious eyes of Goombella, knowing he’d never see his step-child again.  “Fllrgmphlfp…” he told her, knowing she’d be safe.  He turned towards Kooper and raised his arms in surrender.

“Oh, good,” said Kooper, throwing eight shurikens, fourteen harpoons, and three scimitars at Peasley.  The prince let out a muffled scream and his flesh was pierced by all of those things at once.

“At last!” grinned Kooper, an evil flare in his eyes.  “It is time for the summoning to begin!”

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