Jolene and Klevar hung on tight as the BONE-LER COASTER, a giant fully functioning roller coaster ride made entirely out of bones, took them down a spiraling vortex of bone track into the ocean. Klevar gritted his teeth in determination. He wouldn’t let Organization Enigma or his hot girlfriend Jolene die.
After eighty-six minutes of bone-chilling loops and turns and twists, the cart finally screeched to a halt. Klevar and Jolene climbed out of the cart and found themselves in a massive throne room decorated with bones. The floor was littered with bones. Everything was bones.
At the far end of the room, Diddy Kong, the Mad King of the Ancient Sunken City of Kehk’Kulla, sat on a massive throne made of bones, aiming the Burning Crossbow at T.T. from Diddy Kong Racing, who was chained to a wall on the opposite end of the room. At Diddy’s side stood his retainer, Grubba, who appeared to be on the verge of vomiting. After a few more seconds of careful aiming, Diddy fired.
“Ha, ha, you missed!”
“Ow, okay, that time, you-“
Klevar and Jolene walked past T. T.’s burning corpse and approached the Bone Throne where Grubba was vomiting everything in his stomach onto the bone floor. Diddy Kong clapped sarcastically as they got closer. He sprung out of the throne and spread out his arms in delight.
“BEHOLD, THE FORMER ORGANIZATION SEVENTEEN.”
Along the walls were numerous burnt corpses of past members of Organization Seventeen: Koopa the Quick, the Yoshi from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, even…
Jolene ran up to the corpse that was her old boyfriend that was hanging on the wall, his black mask barely recognizable in the smoldering ruins. Leaning up on tippy-toes, she gave the body a passionate, sticky kiss on the knee, which was weird.
“Unfortunately for him,” Diddy said grinning. “He could not be a player long in the GAME OF BONES. BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA”
As Diddy began chanting what to him must’ve been some sort of orchestral intro, Klevar and Jolene stared in confusion as Grubba quickly wheeled in a small, beautifully intricate clockwork model of the world made entirely of bones. They could see key locations, their likenesses perfectly captured in bones and clearly labeled: the Mushroom Kingdom, now torn in two by the effects of Merlon’s thunder shuriken attack after the war, Western Land a ghost town in ruins inhabited only by the mindless, withered slaves of Wiggler and her perpetual cycle of hootenannies, and Goomba Village, a filthy patchwork town that now served as Booster’s den for prostitutes and rapists.
“GAAAAME OF BOOOONES BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM!”
All that could be heard for the next eight minutes was Grubba clapping frantically as Diddy held his arms out in an outstretched pose of triumph.
“O…okay,” said Klevar. “Why did you make an entire eighty six minute long roller coaster and throne room and clockwork recreation of the world entirely out of bones.”
“I had a lot of bones.”
“So what brings you to my BONEdom?” Diddy asked. Inwardly, he was very proud of the joke he had just made; he hadn’t thought of it till only three seconds ago. “As you can see, I killed most of my fellow brothers and sisters of the Organization, and the few that got away won’t be coming back any time soon. Organization Seventeen is dead!”
“You’re a fool,” Jolene snapped. “You know just as well as we at Enigma do that the dark lord Kooper and your mistress Tayce T. won’t be gone for long.”
“Wise Wisterwood sent us here to negotiate a temporary ceasefire,” said Klevar. “We also want our share of the Dark Artifacts-“
Diddy Kong slammed his fist on the right arm of the Bone Throne, shattering it into pieces because it was only made of bone.
“THE DARK ARTIFACTS BELONG TO ME! ME, ME, ME! I GOT THEM FIRST, THEY’RE MINE! SEE?!?!”
He gestured grandly to the side of the room. As Grubba dutifully cranked a lever, a table made of bones rose out of the ground with the Seven Dark Artifacts on its surface, glittering evilly.
“As you can see, I managed to get all of them in my possession,” Diddy boasted. “And nothing you can say will get me to-HEY! HEY, STOP TAKING THEM! HEY!”
Diddy Kong fell out of the Bone Throne and ran over to the bone table, but tripped three times along the way as Klevar and Jolene managed to grab five of the Artifacts and stuff them in their pockets.
“NEITHER OF YOU WILL LEAVE THIS ROOM ALIVE!” Diddy frothed. He grabbed the Dark Gun off the bone table and aimed it at the two. “I’LL SHOOT YOU ONE THOUSAND TIMES!”
“You’re insane!” said Klevar. “That much Dark Influence concentrated in one room?! It’d blow up the whole kingdom!”
“DOESN’T MATTER!” Diddy screamed. “YOU WIN OR YOU LOSE IN THE GAAAAAME OOOOOF BOOOOOONES! BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BAAAAAAAAAAAAGH”
He staggered forward, the Danger Trident bursting out of his chest from within. Turning his head back, he found himself face to face with a triumphant looking Grubba whose hands were still gripping the end of the Trident.
“Vivian sends her regards,” Grubba hissed into Diddy’s ear.
Diddy collapsed, dead as balls.
Jolene stared at Grubba. “Who asked you to do this?”
Everyone turned to see the dark enigma dreadlord, Kooper, walking towards them dragging his scythes along the bone floor. Walking with him was Kolorado, who was staggering and throwing up non-stop because roller coasters made him feel yucky.
All three Enigma agents got down on both knees, outstretched their arms into jazz hand poses, and leaned their heads back, looking straight up at the ceiling in the traditional Enigma pose of servitude.
“From now on,” Kooper said to Grubba. “You will be known as the Kong Slayer for the good work you have done today.”
“My dreadlord!” Klevar gasped. “We thought you were gone! What of Wise Wisterwood?”
“Wise Wisterwood is dead,” Kooper said to his followers. “His arrogance and his impatience to succeed me cost him his life.”
“But my dreadlord,” Jolene whispered. “Wise Wisterwood had the Chaos Whip. How could you have defeated him?”
Everyone turned to see Kolorado who triumphantly got up while still covered head to toe in vomit. He had pounded his fists together, but on both fists were
“TWO Inferno Gauntlets?!”
“But my dreadlord, how is that even possible?!”
“Anything is possible for Organization Enigma, my children. Now rise. Time is running short, and Tayce T. is already gathering her forces in full. The War of the Five Kingdoms is beginning.”
Kooper paused to crush Diddy Kong’s skull under his foot.
“And I intend to win it.”
BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM