“WHOOOOOOooaoaaaoAOOAOAOOAOOH!!!!”

Jolene and Klevar hung on tight as the BONE-LER COASTER, a giant fully functioning roller coaster ride made entirely out of bones, took them down a spiraling vortex of bone track into the ocean.  Klevar gritted his teeth in determination.  He wouldn’t let Organization Enigma or his hot girlfriend Jolene die. 

After eighty-six minutes of bone-chilling loops and turns and twists, the cart finally screeched to a halt.  Klevar and Jolene climbed out of the cart and found themselves in a massive throne room decorated with bones.  The floor was littered with bones.  Everything was bones.

At the far end of the room, Diddy Kong, the Mad King of the Ancient Sunken City of Kehk’Kulla, sat on a massive throne made of bones, aiming the Burning Crossbow at T.T. from Diddy Kong Racing, who was chained to a wall on the opposite end of the room.  At Diddy’s side stood his retainer, Grubba, who appeared to be on the verge of vomiting.  After a few more seconds of careful aiming, Diddy fired.

THWACK

“Ha, ha, you missed!”

THWACK

“Ow, okay, that time, you-“

THWACK

Klevar and Jolene walked past T. T.’s burning corpse and approached the Bone Throne where Grubba was vomiting everything in his stomach onto the bone floor.  Diddy Kong clapped sarcastically as they got closer.  He sprung out of the throne and spread out his arms in delight.

“BEHOLD, THE FORMER ORGANIZATION SEVENTEEN.”

Along the walls were numerous burnt corpses of past members of Organization Seventeen: Koopa the Quick, the Yoshi from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, even…

“BLACK NINJAKOOPA!!!”

Jolene ran up to the corpse that was her old boyfriend that was hanging on the wall, his black mask barely recognizable in the smoldering ruins.  Leaning up on tippy-toes, she gave the body a passionate, sticky kiss on the knee, which was weird.

“Unfortunately for him,” Diddy said grinning.  “He could not be a player long in the GAME OF BONES.  BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA”

As Diddy began chanting what to him must’ve been some sort of orchestral intro, Klevar and Jolene stared in confusion as Grubba quickly wheeled in a small, beautifully intricate clockwork model of the world made entirely of bones.  They could see key locations, their likenesses perfectly captured in bones and clearly labeled: the Mushroom Kingdom, now torn in two by the effects of Merlon’s thunder shuriken attack after the war, Western Land a ghost town in ruins inhabited only by the mindless, withered slaves of Wiggler and her perpetual cycle of hootenannies, and Goomba Village, a filthy patchwork town that now served as Booster’s den for prostitutes and rapists.

“GAAAAME OF BOOOONES BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM!”

All that could be heard for the next eight minutes was Grubba clapping frantically as Diddy held his arms out in an outstretched pose of triumph.

“O…okay,” said Klevar.  “Why did you make an entire eighty six minute long roller coaster and throne room and clockwork recreation of the world entirely out of bones.”

“I had a lot of bones.”

“Oh.”

“So what brings you to my BONEdom?” Diddy asked.  Inwardly, he was very proud of the joke he had just made; he hadn’t thought of it till only three seconds ago.  “As you can see, I killed most of my fellow brothers and sisters of the Organization, and the few that got away won’t be coming back any time soon.  Organization Seventeen is dead!”

“You’re a fool,” Jolene snapped.  “You know just as well as we at Enigma do that the dark lord Kooper and your mistress Tayce T. won’t be gone for long.”

“Wise Wisterwood sent us here to negotiate a temporary ceasefire,” said Klevar.  “We also want our share of the Dark Artifacts-“

“NO!”

Diddy Kong slammed his fist on the right arm of the Bone Throne, shattering it into pieces because it was only made of bone.

“THE DARK ARTIFACTS BELONG TO ME!  ME, ME, ME!  I GOT THEM FIRST, THEY’RE MINE!  SEE?!?!”

He gestured grandly to the side of the room.  As Grubba dutifully cranked a lever, a table made of bones rose out of the ground with the Seven Dark Artifacts on its surface, glittering evilly.

“As you can see, I managed to get all of them in my possession,” Diddy boasted.  “And nothing you can say will get me to-HEY!  HEY, STOP TAKING THEM!  HEY!”

Diddy Kong fell out of the Bone Throne and ran over to the bone table, but tripped three times along the way as Klevar and Jolene managed to grab five of the Artifacts and stuff them in their pockets. 

“NEITHER OF YOU WILL LEAVE THIS ROOM ALIVE!” Diddy frothed.  He grabbed the Dark Gun off the bone table and aimed it at the two.   “I’LL SHOOT YOU ONE THOUSAND TIMES!”

“You’re insane!” said Klevar.  “That much Dark Influence concentrated in one room?!  It’d blow up the whole kingdom!”

“DOESN’T MATTER!” Diddy screamed.  “YOU WIN OR YOU LOSE IN THE GAAAAAME OOOOOF BOOOOOONES!  BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BAAAAAAAAAAAAGH”

He staggered forward, the Danger Trident bursting out of his chest from within.  Turning his head back, he found himself face to face with a triumphant looking Grubba whose hands were still gripping the end of the Trident.

“Vivian sends her regards,” Grubba hissed into Diddy’s ear.

“I…mpo….ssibl….e….”

Diddy collapsed, dead as balls.

Jolene stared at Grubba.  “Who asked you to do this?”

“I did.”

Everyone turned to see the dark enigma dreadlord, Kooper, walking towards them dragging his scythes along the bone floor.  Walking with him was Kolorado, who was staggering and throwing up non-stop because roller coasters made him feel yucky.

“My dreadlord!”

All three Enigma agents got down on both knees, outstretched their arms into jazz hand poses, and leaned their heads back, looking straight up at the ceiling in the traditional Enigma pose of servitude.

“From now on,” Kooper said to Grubba.  “You will be known as the Kong Slayer for the good work you have done today.”

“My dreadlord!” Klevar gasped.  “We thought you were gone!  What of Wise Wisterwood?”

“Wise Wisterwood is dead,” Kooper said to his followers.  “His arrogance and his impatience to succeed me cost him his life.”

“But my dreadlord,” Jolene whispered.  “Wise Wisterwood had the Chaos Whip.  How could you have defeated him?”

CLANG.

Everyone turned to see Kolorado who triumphantly got up while still covered head to toe in vomit.  He had pounded his fists together, but on both fists were

“TWO Inferno Gauntlets?!”

“But my dreadlord, how is that even possible?!”

“Anything is possible for Organization Enigma, my children.  Now rise.  Time is running short, and Tayce T. is already gathering her forces in full.  The War of the Five Kingdoms is beginning.”

Kooper paused to crush Diddy Kong’s skull under his foot.

“And I intend to win it.”

BUM BUM BUDDA BUM BUM BUDDA BUM

Pennington stared into the lifeless eyes of his father, Penbert.  That wicked smile he had known for so many years was forever baked onto his father’s half-robot face, but never again would it breathe the robot fire that had ruined so many lives.

“Father…” Pennington said, cold and emotionless.  ”I gave you a chance to listen…  I gave you a chance to change… But instead you let that BASTARD Tuxie lead you into oblivion! Why did you do that!?” He punched seven holes in the wall because thinking about Tuxie made him SO MAD.

The Museum of Chaos, built over the ashes of Tall Tall Mountain, stood as a monument of remembrance for those whose lives had been torn apart by the war.  It was within these hallowed halls that Pennington shared a moment with the stuffed corpse of his father, and ironically, the very location that their fateful final confrontation had taken place.

“Do you remember, dad!?” Pennington yelled.  ”Do you remember what happened that day!?  How Wart… how Wart lost his life!?”  Pennington screamed but we don’t get to hear it because we’re going into a flashback right now.

“Father, what are you doing!?” Pennington yelled, pointing his bazooka chainsaw at his father.

“I’m going to kill Wart!!!” Penbert said, laughing maniacally.  He breathed robot fire on Wart, who immediately melted and was very sad because he really didn’t want this to happen to him.

“OH NO!” Pennington shouted and he cried.

The flashback is over now and we see that Pennington has punched thirty more holes in the wall in the meantime.  Now he was crying.  He was crying like the Great Fire Flower that Penbert had promised would lead them to salvation.  But it was all a lie.  The Great Fire Flower turned out to be a fucking asshole who just set everything on fire and cried a whole lot.

Then he heard something.  A heavy, raspy breathing, eminating from the darkness.  Pennington turned and face the darkness, clutching the Bazooka of Unrelenting Sorrow that he had brought with him just in case.

“Hhhhh… It’s been a long time… Pennington…” said a voice in the darkness.

“Who are you!?” Pennington called out.  He had a hunch, but… but no, it couldn’t be!

“It’s me…” replied the voice.  A wheelchair painted Shadow the Hedgehog Black rolled out from the darkness.  On top of it, Pennington recognized the beaten and battered sillhuoette of Grodus.  ”Do you remember… Pennington?”

“YOU!!!” Pennington shouted.  ”What the FUCK are you doing here!?  Are you here to taunt me about how you turned the Order into the massive cult it’s become!?  Are you here to make FUN OF ME!?” Pennington punched another two hundred and nine holes in the wall and this pretty much caused the wall to fall apart.

“Yes…” Grodus laughed.  ”But also… hhhhhh… to KILL yoooouuu….” He snapped his fingers and three familiar faces filed in.

Pennington gasped.  ”No, it can’t be!  My best friends!  Toadsworth!  Zess T.!  And… of all people… the person who I used to love more than anything in the world…”

“It’s useless to resist, Pennington!” said Axem Yellow while biting into a big greasy cheeseburger.  ”The love we once had is meaningless! I now serve a much greater cause!” Toadsworth and Zess T. agreed with him.

“Back off!” yelled Pennington, who fired a chainsaw in Toadsworth’s direction.  The chainsaw severed Toadsworth’s arm and blood spurted out of the stub.

“Dude!” Toadsworth yelled, picking up his arm.  ”You need to chill out!”

“Yeah, stop resisting!” Zess T. yelled, pointing a pocketknife threateningly at Pennington.  ”Don’t make us beat you up!”

Pennington was nervous because he didn’t want to be beaten up.  He set the Bazooka of Unrelenting Sorrow on the ground in front of him.  ”Alright, I’ll play along,” Pennington growled.  ”But know this… whatever you do to me, the Shadow Coup will continue to grow… They may be scared of you now, but soon, they’ll be unstoppable!”

“Perhaps!” replied Axem Yellow, meticulously licking and sucking grease from each of his digits.  ”But no matter how big they get… they don’t have The Great Fire Flower!”

The ceiling exploded and peering over them was the colossal figure of the Great Fire Flower.  Massive tears dripped from his face and exploded into flames wherever they landed.

“OH NO!” screamed Pennington.

“BOOOO BOO BOO BOOO!!” cried the Great Fire Flower, setting fire to the entire museum and what little effort had been made to restore Tall Tall Mountain to its former glory.

“I’m going to stop this monster!!”  Pennington said.  ”Right here and now!”

“Not so fast, son!!” yelled a voice from behind him.  Suddenly Pennington was held tightly by his father’s cold robot arms.  ”I was alive and waiting for you this whole time!  And now I will kill you as I have dreamed of doing ever since you went against the order! AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!”

A piece of shrapnel then shot through Penbert’s robot eye and his head exploded in a shower of blood and electricity.  Pennington grabbed his bazooka and shot several chainsaws at his former friends.  Axem Yellow and Toadsworth ducked out of the way, but poor Zess T. wasn’t paying attention and was blended into a fine, bloody pulp.

“NO!!!” Toadsworth screamed, crying.  ”I loved her!”  He looked at Pennington, a fire in his eyes.  ”I’LL KILL-” but then a giant tear drop landed on him and erupted in flames and died immediately.

“Looks like things are starting to heat up!” Axem Yellow said.  He whistled through his sweaty fingers and his flaming demon stallion galloped into the fray.  He hopped on top and took the reigns (which were covered in BLOOD), pointing Serpentilius’s Shotgun at his former lover.  ”Come on, Pennington!  The Great Fire Flower is unstoppable and nothing can stop it!  Won’t you rejoin the Order and help us crush the Shadow Coup under our feet?  It can be… just like the old days…”

Pennington shed a single tear.  They used to go to the diner ever Sunday and Axem Yellow would get a hundred milkshakes and Pennington used to think it was so cute.  Oh, how he would love to go back and enjoy just one more shake!  ”I’m sorry…  We can never go back… You’ve changed too much, Axem Yellow.  I’m putting a stop to this right here and now!”  He pointed his bazooka at the Great Fire Flower.

“Stop!” said Axem Yellow.  ”That flower’s unstoppable!”

“BOO BOO BOOOOO!!!” the Great Fire Flower continued to cry its destructive tears.  There was no backdrop, no landscape, only flames.

“Oh yeah?” yelled Pennington.  ”Well, take THIS!!” He fired two chainsaws at the Great Fire Flower and it was sliced into pieces and died.

“SHIT!” yelled Grodus.  ”That really sucks!!! Hhhh….”

Pennington turned and Axem Yellow was charging at him.  Those tearful eyes showed nothing but remorse.  Pennington sidestepped his attacker and Axem Yellow stampeded directly into the flames and caught on fire.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” he screamed.  ”Pennington!  Please!!”

Pennington looked at the pitiful display before him.  The once great and mighty Axem Yellow was being burned alive.  His eyes now expressed only one thing.  He desired a merciful death.

“I’m sorry!” Axem Yellow cried.  ”All I ever wanted was you!  You were… everything to me! But please… this fire really hurts a lot!  Kill me, Pennington!”

Pennington shed SO MANY TEARS and Aerith’s theme from Final Fantasy VII is playing in the background because this scene is really sad.  Whispering a goodbye, he shot a chainsaw at Axem Yellow who got cut into pieces and died with a smile.  The flames finally died down and once again, Tall Tall Mountain was ashes.

“Geez…” said Grodus, who had sat there watching the whole thing and it was really awkward.  ”That was fucked up…”

“Grodus… you’ve led the Order of the Crying Fire Flower into ashes…” Pennington said.  He pointed the bazooka at Grodus and fired as many chainsaws as he possibly could.

“BLAAEGAAAGHAHAGBLAAAGH!!!” screamed Grodus who died horribly.

“The Order of the Crying Fire Flower is under new management!” Pennington announced, lightning up a cigar.  ”This time… I’ll lead them to true salvation!  The salvation that only resides… behind the door!”  He pulled off Grodus’s shadow cloak and disappeared.

A single flower pedal landed on the ashes like a single tear from heaven.

When we last left Captain Toad, he had gotten himself stuck at the bottom of the Last Well with his trusty sidekick, General White.  Things were looking grim, as there was no way to for the duo to climb back up!  The shaft was also being filled with hot lava by Huff N. Puff and his gang of cronies, which was honestly just making things worse.

“Fuck!  Goddamn!” yelled Captain Toad, looking for a way out.  “There’s no way out! Shit!”

“W-w-w-what do we do!?” yelled General White, shaking with fear. He was very scared.

“UWAAAH PAH PAH PAH!!!” cackled Huff N. Puff as he signaled in yet another cement truck full of hot lava towards the Last Well.  “It’s curtains for you, Captain Toad!  You’re no match for hot lava!”

“WHAT!?” the two yelled from the bottom of the well.

“Oh,” Huff N. Puff said, realizing that the well was twenty miles deep.  “I SAID UWAAAH PAH PAH PAH!!!  IT’S CURTAINS FOR YOU, CAPTAIN TOAD! YOU’RE NO MATCH FOR HOT LAVA!” he yelled louder.

“FUCK YOU, HUFF N. PUFF!!!” Captain Toad yelled back.  “WE’RE GONNA FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE!”

“Gee, boss!  Things are startin’ to heat up down here! LITERALLY!!!” General White said, being careful not to step in hot lava.  “We gotta think of somethin’ pronto!”

“I know, I know!” Captain Toad groaned, furrowing his brow.  “Think, think, THINK!”

“LOOKS LIKE THE END OF THE ROAD, BOYS!!!” yelled Huff N. Puff.

“SHHHH!!!”

“S… sorry…”

Captain Toad thought SO HARD and every precious second counted at this point. Temperatures were skyrocketing.  It was only a matter of time before they were toast.  It was sad too because Huff N. Puff was destroying a precious historical landmark in the process and he didn’t even care.  It’s just the kind of guy he is!

“I’VE GOT IT!!!” yelled Captain Toad, sweating profusely and beginning to blister from the heat.  “I know how we can escape!”

“Thank heavens!” yelled General White.  “But you better make it quick!  I’m not feeling so hot!” This was ironic because he was on fire.

Captain Toad pulled out the Fairie’s Conch that he obtained in his LAST thrilling adventure after a heated battle that ended with the extinction of the entire Bub-ulb race.  Remember?  It was a really good episode!  Anyway, Captain Toad blew on the shell and its melodic tunes rang out through the skies.  They were carried on the winds of fate miles and miles into the distance.  Somewhere far away, Parakarry was laying in bed with his beautiful wife, Koopie Koo.

“What’s wrong, my love?” whispered Koopie Koo, gently stroking Parakarry’s temple.

Parakarry smiled.  ”It’s just… every day I wonder how I got to be so lucky.  Most people wait an entire lifetime to find somebody like you.”

“Oh, P!” Koopie Koo said, kissing him on the forehead.  She stared passionately into his eyes, a calm smile on her face.  “I wish… we could stay like this.  Just you and me.  Without… well, you know.”

Parakarry closed his eyes and shook his head.  ”Don’t worry, love… Today is dedicated only to you.  I don’t even want to think about that foul-mouthed…”

SCROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN

It was the conch.  Parakarry stopped short and looked into the sky.  He was super conflicted.  He knew they needed him, but he just promised his wife that he would stay with her.  What to do?  Which side to choose?

“It’s them, isn’t it?” Koopie Koo growled, clearly frustrated.  “You’re going to go to them, aren’t you?”

“I…” Parakarry sighed.  He stood up and began zipping up his green pants.  “I’m sorry, Koo, you know how it is.  I made a promise.”

“A promise, huh!?” Koopie yelled and she screamed into her pillow and knocked a plate off of the end table.  “So you’re breaking your promise to me to keep a promise with them, huh? They’re more important than me, huh? That’s the choice you’re making? You’re choosing your job over love?  HUH?”

Shit!  Parakarry thought, putting on his eyepatch that let him see through walls and flossing his teeth.  ”No, it’s not like that!” he pleaded.  ”I love you, but I can’t abandon them! They could be in big trouble!”

“YOU’RE gonna be in big trouble if you leave me here alone!” Koopie yelled back, throwing a pillow at him, which sent him flying into the wall, which he was able to see through.  “I’m going to let you decide one more time!  Here is your ultimatum! You either stay here and we can remain blissfully in love, or you can help your friends and you’ll never see me ever again!! IT HAS TO BE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!”

“Goddamnit!” yelled Parakarry as he packed a nutritionally-balanced lunch for the long journey ahead.  “You’re not making this easy!”

“I know!”

Parakarry looked at Koopie Koo.  So beautiful.  So pretty.  She was everything he could ever want in a woman.  She was perfect.  But as much as he wanted to stay and make this work, he knew in his heart that it wasn’t meant to last.  He looked away from her, tears filling his eyes.  If only… he thought.  But whatever happened, the prophecy always came first.

“Then I guess this is goodbye,” he whispered, opening the front door.

“You’re really doing it then!?” Koopie said, trying to hide her tears.  “Just like that, you’re throwing me away!?”

“Sorry, babe,” Parakarry said.  At this point he was crying like CRAZY and snot was like, oozing out of his nose and everything.  “I guess… I guess we were just meant to live different lives.”

“I’LL…” Koopie started, but broke down in tears herself.  “I’ll… I’ll miss you… P…”

Parakarry said nothing.  He simply nodded.  And then he took off, not looking back for even one second.  He was SO SAD. “Farewell, my goddess…”, he whispered to himself.  He didn’t have the courage to say it out loud.  Was this the right move?  Was it fair to leave without saying it?  He would never know…

Meanwhile, Koopie Koo stared out into the horizon.  A single feather from her former lover drifted from the heavens and landed square on her face.  She picked it up and hugged it tightly.  ”Oh, Parakarry… wherever you’re going… be careful… Farewell my goddess…”

Parakarry continued flying in the direction of the call.  Hold on, captain! he thought, flying at twenty times the speed of sound.  I’m on my way!  You two… you two are the only thing I have left!

Parakarry landed next to the Last Well.  Huff N. Puff and some of his cronies were looking down the well.

“Huff N. Puff, you fiend!” Parakarry said assuming an excellent fighting stance.  “Where are Captain Toad and General White?”

“Dead, I think,” Huff N. Puff said, not looking up.  “It’s twenty miles down so we can’t really tell, but I’m pretty sure they’re dead.”

“CAPTAIN TOAD!!!” Parakarry yelled , looking down the well.  “I HEARD THE SIGNAL!”

There was no response at all.

“What did you do?” Parakarry asked.

Huff N. Puff scratched his head.  ”Well they got stuck in this well so we started pouring hot lava in it.  They stopped responding a few hours ago and we put a LOT of hot lava in there.  I just sort of assumed they’d escape?  It’s a really awkward situation and now we’re not sure what to do.”

“I have to save them!” Parakarry yelled, preparing to leap into the well.

“Whoa, dude!” Huff N. Puff said.  “Don’t do that! It’s hot down there! You’ll be cooked alive!”

Parakarry adjusted his eyepatch that could see through walls, pulled up his green pants, zipped up his purple wind breaker, and hopped onto the side of the well. “That’s just a chance I’ll have to take!” he said, winking at Huff N. Puff.  Huff N. Puff couldn’t see it because of the eyepatch.

“I’m serious!” Huff N. Puff yelled.  “You’ll burst into flames before you’ve made halfway down! It’s suicide!”

Parakarry smirked and dove headfirst into the well and everything that Huff N. Puff described happened to him.

Captain Toad looked over the ashen, bombed-out remains of Hollijolli Village. The spread of the Moon Blood Virus had reduced the vibrant community to shambling packs of feral husks. The mournful cries of the pandemic’s victims sent a cold chill down the Captain’s spine. He distracted himself from meditating on the tragedy of the husks persisting sentience by turning to his motley crew of survivors.

“Time for adventure!” he said.

“Captain Toad! This is hardly the time!” Flint Craigly said, gesturing at the gunshot body of Toadsworth, “He’s going to bleed out if we don’t find some medical supplies NOW!”

“Ohh no,” Captain Toad sighed.

“No, the Captain is right,” said Shadow Toadsworth, “We’re going to have to explore these ruins and hope we stumble across enough supplies to save him. There is no way we can get him to Mushbert’s lab in time while Bean Bean valley is flooded.

Captain Toad nodded and did a happy little hop.

“Damnation!” Chaos Toadsworth clawed at the sides of his head, sweating, “He’s dying! How can we waste time looking for meds that may not even be here! And what if one of those… THINGS get ahold of one of us?? We’re all going to die if we don’t get out here NOW!”

Shadow Toadsworth planted his legs firmly in the ground before slugging Chaos Toadsworth in the face as hard as he could with his fist. Chaos Toadsworth tumbled to the ground, clutching his bruised face.

“Snap out of it, you sniveling, worthless coward! We swore to each other at Delfino plaza after Cooper’s attack that we would see this through together, no matter what. No one else is getting hurt. You saw Captain Toad at Riverside station. He shivved the Chancellor and got us past his thugs without a single scratch. He’s not going to fail us now.”

Captain Toad nodded and did a happy little hop.

Kolorado sat on the petrified remains of Baby Rosalina, teasing the muzzle of his Vortex Rifle with his index finger. He sneered. “I don’t think the Captain has what it takes to lead us. Sure, he calls himself an adventurer, but where exactly are his credentials? I have a PHD in archeology, and years of experience adventuring! What does Captain Toad have that I don’t?”

“A head lamp,” suggested Flint Cragley.

“Also, a backpack,” Shadow Toadsworth added.

“Well,” Kolarado clicked his tongue, “I HAD both of those things prior to the pandemic.”

“Well, in the absent of those material resources, I suggest we curb this mutinous discussion until Toadsworth is safe.” Flint Craigly said.

“Fine,” Kolarado folded his arms.

“Let’s go,” said Pink Gold Toadsworth.

Flint Craigley volunteered to guard and tend to the incapacitated Toadsworth while Captain Toad and the others waddled through the crumbling ruins. They picked through the crumbling masonry in deathly silence, hiding in shadowed alcoves when the husks prowled, sprinting through the byways of the village. An hour of searching passed, and Captain Toad signaled while peering through his binoculars. The others huddled around him, squatting. “Look! I got it!” He pointed to the ruins of the shop. A single husk was ponderously pacing beside a first aid kit mounted to the wall.

“I’ve got this,” Kolarado slid down an embankment of debris, cocking his rifle on the way down.

“Wait!” Shadow Toadsworth tried not to shout, “You’ll summon the hordes!”

It was too late, as Kolarado unloaded a vortex buckshot straight into the husk’s cranium with a sharp pop. He pried the first aid kit from the wall just as a din of piercing shrieks deafened the square.

“HERE THEY COME!” Chaos Toadsworth wept.

The cobblestone clinked with keratin claws stampeding on spindly spider limbs. The former Toad residence of Hollijolli poured into the square by the dozens.

“Up top!” Captain toad rolled down the embankment with his backpack like a bowling ball, plowing straight into the husks as the mobbed around Kolarado. Captain Toad released his hidden wrist blades and whirled through the crowd carving bloody swaths. Kolarado was paralyzed in awe as Captain Toad brutalized the monsters as quickly as they joined the skirmish. In spite of the rising body count, there was no sign the husks slowing down. More and more crawled from every crevice and shadow as rapidly as they were slain.

“Come on!”  Pink Gold Toadsworth grabbed Kolarado by the hand, “we’ve got to go!”

“But… The Captan!”

“He can handle himself! We’ve got to go NOW!”

The two of them scaled the debris, hearts racing, and joined the others. They pulled their eyes away from the carnage and raced back to the clearing where the group had left Toadsworth and Flint.

“…Where are they? Craigley?! Hello!” Shadow Toadsworth began calling.

“Be quiet! Those things will hear you!” Chaos Toadsworth said, “Look. There’s a note.”

Kolarado bent low to pick up the fresh note scrawled with tidy print.

“What’s it say?”

“…Flint took Toadsworth. He betrayed us. He was working with the Order of theBrotherhood of Nightmares this entire time. Shit!” Kolarado shredded the note in his hands, the tears welling up.

“That… that can’t be. He swore with us we’d always be friends in Delfino!”

Kolarado couldn’t take it. He spiked the useless med kit into the ground and broke down crying on his hands and knees. His mind flooded with thoughts of his friends in danger. Toadsworth, Captain Toad, Baby Toadsworth, and Coach the Cheep Cheep from Mario Party Advance for the Nintendo Gameboy Advance. He slammed his fist into the dirt and muddied the ground with tears.

On the ground beside him was the last line of the shredded post script.

‘MIPS sends his regards.’

“You’ve come a long way,” Chaos Satan, who we can now call by his real name, BABY DONKEY KONG, said clapping his hands.  “Truly admirable.  Most people don’t make it this far…”

He spread his arms out wide in display.

“…TO THE CHAOS CHAMBER!”

Co-Star Luma spat out another mouthful of blood bitterly.  They had been so close.  So fucking close.  Shit!

“Tubba!”  Baby Donkey Kong, or Chaos Satan, snapped his fingers.  “Bring out the Chains of Remorse.”

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Co-Star Luma screamed, flecks of spit flying in all directions.  The time for dignity was long past, not when the Chains of Remorse were involved.

“PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Stop shouting,” Chaos Satan frowned. 

“PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“That is very loud.  Please stop that.”

“Please , can you not use the Chains of Remorse on me.”

“No.”

“FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Tubba Blubba, a shell of his former self, brought out the Chains of Remorse.  The sinister links clanked as they were dragged along the floor.

“Let him go!” Captain Syrup screamed, struggling in Axem Red’s Hyper Barrier.  “We’ll tell you everything!  We’ll tell you Belome’s weakness!”

“You blubbering baboon!” Axem Red cackled.  “Everyone knows Belome’s only weakness is the Dark Sonata!  Hello, ding dong!  Anybody home?!”

Axem Red made a cruel gesture as if he were pressing an invisible doorbell that did not exist outside of Captain Syrup’s non-existent home.  By doing so, he forgot she was in the Hyper Barrier and his finger was chopped off by five lasers, along with the rest of his body chopped into little pieces shortly after.

“Eugh,” said Baby Donkey Kong, the Chaos Version of Satan.  “Tubba, sorry, can you clean that up, that’s nasty.”

“I’m still alive!” croaked the pieces of Axem Red.  “If you just gather me up and collect the Dragon Balls, I can be save-“

Tubba Blubba promptly threw the Axem Red pieces into the fiery lava of Hell.

“Now then where were we?” said Chaos Satan, although he actually knew the answer.  He was just pretending to not know to be mean.  “Oh, yes.  The Chains of Remorse.  Tubba!”

Tubba Blubba began to wrap Co-Star Luma in the Chains of Remorse, which was difficult because his hands were now katanas.  “Sorry, give me like two seconds, boss.”

The next day, Co-Star Luma was finally wrapped tightly in the Chains.  He could feel the remorse coursing through his steins (the star version of veins) and the utter hopelessness wash over him.

“Can you feel it?” Baby Donkey “Chaos Satan” Kong whispered.  “This is what Yoshi felt before he died too.  How fitting that his father should share the same fate.”

Co-Star Luma tried to focus on something else to take his mind away from the remorse.  All of a sudden, there he was.  His Special One…those tight overalls…that sexy mustache…that roboticized cock…  As he shriveled into a soulless husk, Co-Star Luma whispered his name.

“L…..ui…..g……….i……”

Co-Star Luma died.  Man.

“Now then,” said Chaos Satan.  “It’s your turn, Syrup.”

“Not if I can help it!”

The ceiling burst into shards.  Luigi landed on the floor of the Chaos Chamber, wielding the Psionic Sword.

“Luigi!” said Baby Donkey Kong*.  “This is crazy!  Co-Star Luma was just talking about you like two seconds ago!  Life sure is wild sometimes!”

*Chaos Satan

“Syrup, are you all right?”  Luigi asked.

“I’m fine,” said Captain Syrup who during Luigi’s entrance had broken out of the Hyper Barrier, ripped off Tubba Blubba’s head with his own katana hands, and was now dribbling it on her knee like a soccer ball.

“Shouldn’t you be off kissing Prince Peasley?” taunted Chaos Satan.

Luigi’s eyes darkened.  “You know just as well as we do that Prince Peasley died before the events of this story took place so that he can never appear in Waluigi Handbag ever and because of Operation Clean Sweep, all of our memories of him were sealed in the Chaos Door, so he can’t even appear in flashbacks, because he was literally erased from all existence and space time.  You cruel son of a bitch.”

“What are you going to do about it?  This is the CHAOS CHAMBER.  I am CHAOS SATAN.  HOME TURF ADVANTAGE.”

“Things are about to change,” said Luigi. He pulled out a small poo-colored orb.  “The hierarchy of Hell will be overturned.”

“NO!!!  NOT THE G…”

Luigi lifted the poo orb into the air.

“…ENESIS WAVE!!!”

Luigi threw the Genesis Wave onto the floor, and it shattered.  Immediately, both Captain Syrup and Luigi were engulfed in a strong, cool green light.

“Goodbye, Chaos Satan,” said the newly reborn Chaos Luigi as he charged up a ball of green Chaos energy.  “Or should I say…just Baby Donkey Kong.”

The Chaos Beam fired and Baby Donkey Kong was shot one million miles out of the Chaos Chamber.  The speed of the blast was so fast that it shattered through the ceiling of Hell and sent Baby Donkey Kong flying through the atmosphere of space.

“What does this mean, Chaos Luigi?” said Chaos Syrup.

“All of Hell are now Chaos Disciples,” said Chaos Luigi triumphantly.  “With this newfound power, we’ll rally the denizens of Hell together, escape Hell, and get that Chaos Door open.  This is what Waluigi would’ve wanted.”

Meanwhile, as Baby Donkey Kong, formerly known as Chaos Satan, burned up in the atmosphere, he sent a telepathic message to his true master.

(It was all for you, my lord Belome.)

Baby Donkey Kong’s face turned to ashes.

(Or should I say…Chaos Belome.)

Chaos Belome’s eyes opened as he felt Baby Donkey Kong’s message.  He smiled the foulest of smiles, so foul that it could not even be described in prose.

The Mega Man universe was also affected by the Genesis Wave.

Rip Cheato stood in front of the Reset Grapes*.  ”Looks like things have gotten out of hand,” he said, shaking his head. “Got no choice but to eat these grapes.” He ate them, wincing with each bite. “Wow, these don’t taste very-“

“I am a cook and I love to coooook.”

Tayce T. bustled about in her kitchen, cooking delightful foods because she was a cook. Tayce T. liked to take recipes from people and cook food for them because cooking was her specialty as a cook. She cooked good.

“If only I had a Dried Pasta and a Koopa Leaf,” Tayce T. said cheerfully to herself. “Then I could cook Koopasta!”

Just then, the door swung open with so much force. The Master walked in honorably. He was the fighting martial arts master sensei at the Toad Town Dojo. The Master sat down dramatically.

“Hello, Tayce T.”

“Hello! I’m cooking!”

“What are you cooking?”

“I’m cooking a Shroom Steak, which is made from a Life Shroom and Mushroom!”

“Okay.”

Just then, the door swung open with so much evil force. Tayce T. stopped cooking and turned around.

It was Kammy Koopa. She was a Magikoopa dressed in purple clothes with glasses. She’s a bad guy.

“Nya ha ha ha!” Kammy Koopa snickered. “Look outside, you two! Bombette is being consumed by the darkness!”

“NO!”

Tayce T. and The Master ran outside. Bombette wasn’t becoming evil, because she wasn’t being consumed by the darkness.

“BOMBETTE!” Tayce T. cried.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?!”

“Nothing in particular.”

“Okay,” said Tayce T., who turned around in time to catch Kammy about to make a grab for her delicious meal which restores 30 HP and 10 FP.

 “Isn’t it horrible?” Kammy laughed, although she was really mad that she didn’t get to eat the Shroom Steak. “Nothing makes sense anymore, right?” Kammy was bouncing up and down from the excitement.

“Everything still makes sense,” The Master said, confused.  “Bombette is out there having fun and being a good guy.  Looks pretty normal to me!”

Kammy leapt out of her chair, tripping over her robes and falling on her face. Then she got up and ran outside to see for herself.  “BOMBETTE!”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m just hanging out, jeez.”

“This doesn’t make sense!” Kammy yelled. “The Dark Influence is supposed to be making you turn into a bad guy! Right now! I don’t understand why it’s not working?”

Tayce T. and The Master looked at each other and started laughing uproariously.  “Good guys? Become BAD GUYS?” They laughed and laughed and laughed.  “What an absurd notion!” they added in perfect unison.

“Why… isn’t the Dark Influence working?” Kammy said, sweating profusely. She fell to her knees. “What am I supposed to tell the boss?”

“Aww, yeah! Hey hey, DJ!” said a familiar voice.

“Look, here comes Jimmy T.!” Tayce T. yelled excitedly.

Jimmy T. moonwalked down the street into Tayce T.’s home while yelling “come on, come on!”

“How about a Kooky Cookie, Jimmy?” Tayce T. said excitedly, searching for Cake Mix and a Koopa Leaf. “They’re your favorite, right?”

“Aw, yeah!” Jimmy T. said.

“Jimmy!” Kammy yelled, crawling in through the window, drenched in sweat and panting. “You can’t be here! Did anybody see you!? Nobody can know where you are, have you forgotten!?”

“Young Jimmy can go wherever he wishes,” The Master nodded sagely.  “He is a strong young man and there is much he is capable of.”

“Did somebody say Kooooooky Cookie?” Kooper said, walking into the room to thunderous applause from the audience.  He was carrying a large scythe. “I was just tending my garden!” he said, placing the scythe down harmlessly on a stool.  “Growing Maximum Tomatoes from the Kirby universe sure is haaaaard work!”

“My… my dreadlord?” Kammy said, having lost all of her hair from the stress of the situation.  “P… please… tell me this is some kind of joke?”

“Golly, are you addressing me?” Kooper said, laughing. “Dreadlord, huh? That’s a new one! Picture me being a dreadlord! Ha ha ha!”

“Ha ha ha ha!”

“Ha!”

“Ha ha!”

“NO!” Kammy yelled, pulling out a gun. “IF YOU WON’T TURN EVIL I’LL MAKE YOU TURN EVIL!”

“Oh my god!” yelled Tayce T. ducking behind the counter. Kooper hid under his chair, screaming, while The Master put his hands up and backed away from Kammy slowly.

“Woooooow!” said Jimmy T., still eating his cookie.

“Please, let’s all calm down,” The Master said, his voice shaking. “What do you want from us? We are but simple good guys trying to make a living.”

Kammy shot The Master in the head, killing him instantly. Tayce T. let out a shriek and Kooper started crying.  “I can’t believe the two of you, sitting here acting like everything’s all fine and dandy!  The Prophecy clearly states that you’re both to become really evil and powerful and stuff! YOU!” she yelled, pointing her gun at Kooper. “Didn’t you find the Swirling Vortex? The Prophecy said last Saturday you were supposed to get sucked into it!”

“We had to cancel due to the rain!” Kooper yelled, peeing in his pants.  “So did the penguins!  Nobody went on any expeditions last Saturday!”

Kammy stared emptily at Kooper, slowly letting her firearm lower.  She was completely pale.  “Everything is different,” she whispered before dropping dead.

“Anywho,” Kooper said, hopping out of his seat. “We rescheduled the vortex thing for today, so I guess I’ll be off to do that, then! Hope nothing crazy happens!” He left to go do that.

Tayce T. got a call.  She answered. “Hi, I’m a cook! Oh, hi Pennington. What’s that? You want me and Bombette to go check out the Dark Influence? Okay, sounds good.” She hung up and left to go do that.

Jimmy T. set down his cookie, a stoic look on his face. “Now I must go into hiding,” he said.  “Nobody can know where I am.” He left to go do that.

For the next ten years, the events of the story played out exactly as told previously.

Rip Cheato stood in front of the Reset Grapes*.  ”Looks like things have gotten out of hand,” he said, shaking his head. “Got no choice but to eat these grapes.” He picked up the grapes but his head was quickly sliced off by Kooper, who was visiting the Vortex on the anniversary of his becoming a bad guy, which was now on a different day than it was in the previous iteration of the universe.

“It’s time to stop playing games,” he growled, licking the blood off of his INFERNO SCYTHE, a powerful weapon created by temporarily fusing his Vortex Scythe with one of the Inferno Gauntlets.  “We have to destroy the Shadow Koo. We have to erase their existence from this world.”

“I’m scared!” said Punchinello, who now had neon green hair, which is the only remaining thing different about this universe. “Do you suppose we can do it?”

“Yeah, we should be good,” Kooper said, swinging the INFERNO SCYTHE dramatically and creating a dark portal.  “I just learned where their headquarters is. Let’s go kill some Koos.” They leapt through the portal.

And now the battle has truly begun.

* The Reset Grapes also affect the Mega Man universe.

Ashley was careful in carrying her ceremonial torch through the weathered halls of Luigi’s Mansion.  The robes in which her new employers had adorned her were a menacing shade of bright magenta, decorated in a neon green color with symbols representing two shut eyes.  Not that Ashley ever cared about fashion, but she thought this getup was a little ridiculous.

At her side, dressed similarly and carrying a torch of his own, was Ludwig von Koopa.  While Ashley had managed to maintain her composure, Ludwig was very obviously a bundle of nerves.  He knew that one little slip up could cost him his life, and his hands were shaking profusely as the two proceeded up the staircase and up towards the rooftop where the ceremony was taking place.

“You’re new here too, right?” Ludwig whispered.  “I’ve heard stories about these guys… insane stories…”

“Stop talking to me,” Ashley said.

“I had this brother, Larry?” Ludwig continued anyway. “Well, he sneezed in the middle of their ceremony and… and I heard he…” Ludwig shook his head, tears leaking from his eyes. “God, they don’t even know where his head ended up…”

“Stop talking to me,” Ashley repeated, not listening to a word of it.

“And that’s not all!” Ludwig shouted, leaning in towards Ashley as the Luigi’s Mansion ghosts tried really hard to spook them.  “These loonies are trying to open up… you know… the door! You heard me right, they actually want it open!  Didn’t they hear what happened last time? Between you and me, I’m just here to avenge my brother!  I’m gonna find out what they did to him, see?  And I’m… I’m gonna bring down this whole organization!”

“Stop it,” Ashley groaned. “Just, stop saying things.”  There was nothing in the world she cared about less than what Ludwig had to say.

Finally the two of them reached the old wooden door, behind which a terrifying ritual was taking place. Ludwig suddenly froze, his face as white as the spooky ghosts who were throwing banana peels at them trying to get some kind of reaction.  He gulped, reaching out to hold Ashley’s hand. “W-w-we’re in this together… got it?”

Ashley opened the door without taking his hand and witnessed a circle of cloaked individuals, all of them quietly chanting the word “Koo”.  Chef Torte lay at the middle of the circle, beaten to a pulp and with his hands tied to his back.  In front of him stood the menacing figure of Major Burrows, draped in a fine magenta suit and wearing a neon green fedora.   He was wielding what Ashley immediately recognized as the Parasol of Death.

“Poor chef,” Major Burrows frowned, twirling the Parasol of Death playfully just in front of Torte’s face. With each spin, Chef Torte winced in fearful anticipation.  “You could have worked with us… Things could have turned out so differently… “

“Zis vas a mistake,” growled Chef Torte, laying in a puddle of his own blood.  “Apprentice ist beyond saving… I should have realized it sooneir…”

“On the contrary, my dear chef…” Major Burrows smiled.  “Your dear apprentice is enjoying the paradise which awaits us all behind the door. And we will all join him soon! Unfortunately for you, however…” He pressed the tip of his parasol against Torte’s forehead.

DON’T DO IT MAJOR BURROWS.

But it was too late. With one twirl of the Parasol of Death, Chef Torte’s head was teleported to the Chaos Realm.  His body fell lifeless on the ground.  The aforementioned chanting of the word “Koo” grew louder and more intense.  Ashley and Ludwig proceeded towards the circle as they had rehearsed so many times before.

Major Burrows smiled a warm smile upon seeing them enter.  “My children, you have come at just the right moment,” he welcomed the two. “Come, light the pillars and help guide this foolish soul to the Chaos Realm.”

But Ludwig was too nervous and his palms were sweaty and he fumbled with his torch and ended up dropping it on the ground and then he tripped on his robes and landed on the torch and his robes caught on fire and he had to struggle to get out of them and he bumped into Dodo who was just minding his own business and it created a domino effect that knocked over every member in the circle and totally interrupted the ceremony.

Ashley walked up to her pillar and lit it no problem because she’s not a fucking idiot.

“What is the meaning of this!?” Major Burrows roared at Ludwig, twirling the Parasol of Death menacingly.  “Seize him!”

Dodo and Donkey Kong worked together to grab ahold of Ludwig because in the Shadow Koo, teamwork is the most important.

“What did you do to my brother!?” Ludwig shouted, struggling to get free. “What did you do to Larry?”

“I killed him with the Parasol of Death,” Major Burrows said.  “Did you see what I did to him?” he motioned towards Chef Torte’s corpse. “I did that to Larry too. I killed him by teleporting his head to the Chaos Realm, which is what the Parasol of Death does.”

“Okay,” Ludwig said.

As Major Burrows killed Ludwig with the parasol, he turned to look at Ashley, who was diligently awaiting orders.  “Hey, you did great, though!”  Major Burrows commended.  “I think you’re gonna fit in here in the Koo!  With your help we can take down those BASTARDS, the Shadow Coup!”

“They don’t want the Chaos Door to open!” yelled Game Guy.

“Uh, well, not exactly,” Dodo corrected.  “Okay, so like, we’re motivated by our desire to enter the Chaos Realm, so we want the door open, obviously.  The Shadow Coup would actually prefer for the door to be open, but to be perfectly honest, the door is really a small part of their ultimate plan.  I think it’s more like, in the long term, they ultimately need for the door to be open, but I think it’d be misleading to introduce their faction with their opinion on the state of the Chaos Door because it’s not what defines them. While we, The Shadow Koo, are very specific and directed in our goals, the Shadow Coup’s actions work towards a more subtle and complex end, one which I personally disagree with since I really just wanna check out that Chaos Realm.”

“Well we’re OPENING that door whether they like it or not!!!” added Major Burrows, flexing a muscle. He works out often and is in excellent shape for his age.

“I’d like to help, then,” Ashley added.  “If you’ll allow, I can attempt to make contact with the poor souls on the other side of the door.”  She pulled out a spooky spellbook that had a picture of a GHOST on it. Everyone i n the Koo was in awe.

“Hey now, that sounds like a super plan!” Major Burrows said.  “We should run it by the boss!”

“The mysterious leader of the Shadow Koo…” whispered Donkey Kong.

“The chosen one who will guide us into chaos…” whispered Game Guy.

“A man shrouded equally by mystery and chaos…” whispered Dodo.

“Yes, my children?” called a mysterious voice floating from the darkness.  Amid several gasps and nervous humming of the word ‘Koo’, a hooded figure floated to the ground radiating a peach-colored aura.  The eyes hidden from behind the hood met Ashley’s.

“Master!” Major Burrows yelled, kneeling.  “We have been awaiting your return for years now!”

“Yeah, I’m back,” the leader of the Shadow Koo said.  He held a sack in his hand.  “It took a lot of effort, but I found all eleven of those brown coins!”  He threw the sack dramatically into the center of the Koo.  He held the pose and all fell into an awkward silence.

“M… master…” Major Burrows stuttered.

“Yeah?”

“There are… there are twelve of them, master…”

“…oh.”  The leader looked down at the sack.  “Well, uh… I’m sure that last one will… turn up…” He picked up the sack.

“Sorry to spoil the fun, but who are you?” Ashley said without fear because she’s really creepy and nothing scares her.

“Oh, sorry about that, I haven’t properly introduced myself.”  He threw off all of his cloaks, revealing a pair of mouse ears, some cool sunglasses, and a golden hook for a hand.  He wore an open-faced button-up shirt that was half black and half a checkered pattern. There were no fewer than twenty zippers between his shirt, shoes, and sunglasses.

“Wait… Mouser!?” Donkey Kong yelled, mouth agape.

“What?” the leader said, completely confused.  “I am absolutely not Mouser.  My name is Darkovkar.  I was born of the chaos and love that dwelled within Mouser’s heart.”

“Like… Chaos Mouser?” Game Guy asked.

“No, no,” Darkovkar explained.  “Chaos Mouser is completely different and he is very rude.  I’m just Darkovkar, you’d do well to disassociate me from the Mouser line entirely because it’s… pretty complicated.”

“Are there… others like you?” asked Dodo.

“Not really,” Darkovkar shrugged.  “Anyhow, what’s going on?”

“This terrifying young child wants to help us talk to somebody on… the other side!” Major Burrows said with excitement.

“The other side of what?” asked Darkovkar, confused.

“The… the Chaos Door.”

“Oh.  Yeah, I mean, that sounds great,” Darkovkar said.  “Yeah, let’s do that.”

The members of the Koo started murmuring frantically as Ashley opened up her scary spellbook. She turned to the Skeleton Chapter and flipped past pages and pages of angry-looking bats until she found the one she was searching for.  She wiped away the cobwebs and began to chant its words.

“Children, obey your parents in the Hammer Brother, for this is right. ‘Honor your fire flower and frog suit that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ Koopas, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Hammer Brother. Goombas, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Bowser…”

Chef Torte’s headless corpse twitched and threw itself about until it finally stood upright.  “W… WHO… WHO HAS CONTACTED ME…” With each word, blood splurted from the neck.

“Hey, it’s the Shadow Koo,” Darkovkar introduced.  “To whom are we speaking?”

“I WAS… ONCE KNOWN AS… TORTE’S APPRENTICE…”

“Hey man, we’re planning on bringing everybody over to the Chaos Realm,” Darkovkar explained.  “Isn’t that exciting?”

There was a long silence as the Koo anticipated Apprentice’s response.  Darkovkar looked to Major Burrows, who shrugged, and then turned back to the corpse.  “I said, we’re planning-“

“NO…” Apprentice responded.

“Oh.”

“I ONCE… KNEW HATE…” Apprentice said.  “I ONCE… HAD ENEMIES… BUT NOW… THERE IS ONLY PAIN.  EVERY WAKING MOMENT… I AM IN MORE PAIN THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. FORGET ABOUT FACTIONS… FORGET ABOUT ALLIANCES… THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT… IS THAT NO OTHER LIVING BEING… BE ALLOWED TO SUFFER AS WE DO… EVERY MOMENT…”

“Okay, well,” Darkovkar continued, “That sounds wonderful.  You guys are pretty lucky!  Is it nice in the Chaos Realm?”

“NO!” Chef Torte’s corpse spazzed out and shot flung its arms everywhere.  “DO NOT… LET THIS HAPPEN… TO ANOTHER SOUL… I BEG OF YOU…”

“I can’t wait until it’s me behind that door,” Donkey Kong whispered to Dodo.

“Okay, well, thanks for your time,” Darkovkar said.  “Hopefully we’ll see you soon!”

Ashley closed the book and Chef Torte’s corpse abruptly plopped to the ground, lifeless once again. Every member of the Koo let out a heavy sigh, dreaming about the adventures they’d embark upon once they were finally in the Chaos Realm.

“Right!” Major Burrows said, clasping his hands together.  “What’s our next move?”

Darkovkar rubbed his chin. “Hm… We should probably eliminate Organization Enigma.  Yeah, that sounds like a solid plan to me.  Let’s go for it!”

“YEAH!!!” said all the members of the Koo, pulling out various terrifying weapons.  The die had been cast.  Kooper and the gang didn’t know it, but they would soon be accomplice to a series of horrific events that would change the world forever.  These events will eventually come to be known as… The Chaos Door Gore War.

Meanwhile, Torte’s Apprentice remained a slave to chaos and nothing would ever change that.

“Welcome home, mother!” yelled all one thousand Luma orphans as their caretaker walked in the door amidst the hurricane of darkness that was swelling outside.  Merlon was working his foul magic yet again.

“Mummy!” cried the smallest, most adorable Luma of the bunch.  “Do you ‘ave food fer us?  Eet’s been a dog’s age, it ‘as!”

The nine hundred and ninety nine other lumas began chiming in as well, climbing all over each other, and tugging at their mother’s dress, hopeful that she could provide a momentary reprieve from the misery that was their existence.  But her silence told them all they needed to know, as slowly the ruckus settled down and all was quiet.  The lumas struggled to hide their desperate tears as they anxiously awaited their mother’s word.

“My younglings,” she smiled, leaning down to embrace them.  “Please forgive your foolish mother… She’s trying her best…”

“BUT WE’RE SO HUNGRY!!” yelled Lubba so fat that he couldn’t physically move.

What could she say to them?  There was simply no way for her to feed these children as long as King Boo was free to ramp up the rent for every penny they had.  And what could she do to stand up to him and his shrewd business tactics?  To stand up to King Boo is to stand up to Booster, and to stand up to Booster is to ensure that one meets a prolonged and miserable death.  Not to mention she was already ONE BILLION COINS in debt to their entire organization.  The fact they let her live in the first place was nothing short of a miracle.  Right now, however, the biggest mistake she could make was to let her younglings see her cry.

“No worries, mum!” said that stupid British Luma again.  “Long as yer ‘ere wit us, we’ll find a way ta get through this!”

The door was thrown open again and in its frame stood Kolorado, wearing a bloody lab coat and with an unfathomable madness swelling in his eyes. His grin was twisted and sinister as if lusting to taste living flesh. The lumas screamed and ran to hide.

“My dreadlord,” he hissed, extending a clawed arm towards the Mother of Lumas.  “Come back to us!”

“Get away from my children!” she yelled, pulling out her vortex scythe. “Wait… Why do I…?”

“MOM, WHAT’S HAPPENING!?” screamed Lubba, who had fallen on his back and couldn’t upright himself because he was so fucking fat.

The hurricane had now torn away the walls of the orphanage and one by one the luma children were being swept up into its furious rampage.  Their mother had her vortex scythe poised to strike, and though she thirsted for his blood, she shook with hesitation.

Kolorado’s smile did not fade.  If anything, it had grown more sadistic.  “It’s time, my dreadlord!  Time once again to unleash your wrath upon the sinners of this world! Strike me down! Grant me the gift of oblivion!”

“WAIT!!!” screamed a familiar voice from somewhere in the darkness. “PLEASE, DON’T DO THIS! THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER WAY!”

Wario… The  Mother of Lumas immediately recognized the voice.  Suddenly a whirlwind of intense emotions overcame her and she fell to her knees, dropping the vortex scythe to the ground. If only there were another way… for his sake.  Although she was certain she had never met Wario in her life, the only thing in the world she wanted now was to feel his warm embrace.

“Mother, what’s wrong!?” Lubba continued to yell, struggling like a tortoise to get on his feet but it just wasn’t in the cards.

“What are you waiting for, my dreadlord!?” Kolorado squealed with sick pleasure.  “Kill me!”

“Whatever happens…” Wario yelled.  “I’ll always love you!  Please, don’t forget that!”

The Mother of Lumas pulled at her hair, unable to contain the conflicting emotions that were swirling inside of her.  Who am I?, she thought.  She wanted to protect and yet she wanted to destroy.  She desired both chaos and order yet could be satisfied by neither.

“My mother!”

“My dreadlord!”

“My love!”

In that instant, she collapsed into darkness.  She continued to sink, as though being engulfed by a vast and completely black ocean, kind of like the Sea of Abysses but even scarier. Once she finally hit the sea floor, three figures stood over her.  She clamored to her feet, finding herself face to face with a woman she recognized as Rosalina.  Her eyes were shut and there was no life remaining in her. The lifeless corpses of all of the luma children were floating all around her.  The Mother of Lumas couldn’t help but feel an incredible emptiness when looking at this poor woman.

She turned and locked eyes with another of the three.  It was unmistakable that this man was the hero who had saved the world from chaos those many years ago.  It was Waluigi, proudly meeting her eyes.  He nodded solemnly, though she did not entirely understand the meaning of all this.  He stood in front of a blue door, sealed by a complicated array of dark runes and demon chains.

And then she turned to meet with the last figure, eyes glowing red and pulsating with a dark aura.  It was none other than Kooper, the dreadlord of Organization Enigma, wielding a bloody scythe and sitting impatiently atop a massive pile of severed heads.  In the pile she recognized Prince Peasley, Mail Toad, O’Chunks, Jonathan Jones, and Chaos Burt the Bashful.  It was clear that his hunger for blood was far from satiated because he was growling at her.

Suddenly, the blue door threw itself open and the Mother of Lumas witnessed the vortex of chaos that existed on the other side.  Though she wanted to run from it, her legs would not obey and she remained fixated in front of the vicious portal.  The three who surrounded her seized her immediately. As she struggled to get free, a booming cackle echoed through the air.  Belome’s gigantic figure rose from over the horizon, his colossal tongue bellowing with flames.  Compared to him, the Mother of Lumas was as small and powerless as an ant.

As Belome roared in demonic tongues, the subtitles at the bottom of the screen read “Embrace chaos!”  With one mighty step, the entire landscape around the Mother of Lumas began crumbling. Belome roared out another cacophony of indescribable foreign words.  “Enter the door to my realm, my poor lost child!” the subtitles faithfully read.

“NO!” the Mother of Lumas struggled, but was helpless to fight back as Waluigi, Kooper, and Rosalina flung her through the door and into chaos. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Kooper’s eyes shot open.  He was breaking out in sweat. He had had this dream and variants thereof every single night since his resurrection, but could not derive any meaning out of them.  Obviously he was the dreadlord Kooper, merciless and powerful, yet unquestionably loyal to his followers. Lumas were weak, stupid, and useless, and were of absolutely no value to him or his organization.

“Good morning, my dreadlord!” yelled Kolorado, marching dutifully into the room with a fresh pot of coffee as black as the darkness within Kooper’s soul. “Ready to initiate our big secret plan to take down the Shadow Koo once and for all?” he asked, pouring a fresh cup. Smells great!

“Kolorado…” Kooper growled, shaking away the visions that had haunted him only moments prior.

“What’s good, boss?” Kolorado said, happily placing Kolorado’s pretty pink coffee cup on his nightstand and turning to open the blinds and let a little sunshine in.

“I… no, it’s… it’s nothing… Forget it…” Kooper muttered.

“Alrighty then!” Kolorado said.  “Better sharpen your scythes, my dreadlord!  It’s a long way to Goomba Village!” He left the room, whistling merrily.

Kooper examined his Chaos Scythe, stained with the blood of so many of his victims.  “I have to kill them all…” He said to himself.  His reflection gazed back at him.  He wondered when it would show who he was inside.