Captain Toad looked over the ashen, bombed-out remains of Hollijolli Village. The spread of the Moon Blood Virus had reduced the vibrant community to shambling packs of feral husks. The mournful cries of the pandemic’s victims sent a cold chill down the Captain’s spine. He distracted himself from meditating on the tragedy of the husks persisting sentience by turning to his motley crew of survivors.

“Time for adventure!” he said.

“Captain Toad! This is hardly the time!” Flint Craigly said, gesturing at the gunshot body of Toadsworth, “He’s going to bleed out if we don’t find some medical supplies NOW!”

“Ohh no,” Captain Toad sighed.

“No, the Captain is right,” said Shadow Toadsworth, “We’re going to have to explore these ruins and hope we stumble across enough supplies to save him. There is no way we can get him to Mushbert’s lab in time while Bean Bean valley is flooded.

Captain Toad nodded and did a happy little hop.

“Damnation!” Chaos Toadsworth clawed at the sides of his head, sweating, “He’s dying! How can we waste time looking for meds that may not even be here! And what if one of those… THINGS get ahold of one of us?? We’re all going to die if we don’t get out here NOW!”

Shadow Toadsworth planted his legs firmly in the ground before slugging Chaos Toadsworth in the face as hard as he could with his fist. Chaos Toadsworth tumbled to the ground, clutching his bruised face.

“Snap out of it, you sniveling, worthless coward! We swore to each other at Delfino plaza after Cooper’s attack that we would see this through together, no matter what. No one else is getting hurt. You saw Captain Toad at Riverside station. He shivved the Chancellor and got us past his thugs without a single scratch. He’s not going to fail us now.”

Captain Toad nodded and did a happy little hop.

Kolorado sat on the petrified remains of Baby Rosalina, teasing the muzzle of his Vortex Rifle with his index finger. He sneered. “I don’t think the Captain has what it takes to lead us. Sure, he calls himself an adventurer, but where exactly are his credentials? I have a PHD in archeology, and years of experience adventuring! What does Captain Toad have that I don’t?”

“A head lamp,” suggested Flint Cragley.

“Also, a backpack,” Shadow Toadsworth added.

“Well,” Kolarado clicked his tongue, “I HAD both of those things prior to the pandemic.”

“Well, in the absent of those material resources, I suggest we curb this mutinous discussion until Toadsworth is safe.” Flint Craigly said.

“Fine,” Kolarado folded his arms.

“Let’s go,” said Pink Gold Toadsworth.

Flint Craigley volunteered to guard and tend to the incapacitated Toadsworth while Captain Toad and the others waddled through the crumbling ruins. They picked through the crumbling masonry in deathly silence, hiding in shadowed alcoves when the husks prowled, sprinting through the byways of the village. An hour of searching passed, and Captain Toad signaled while peering through his binoculars. The others huddled around him, squatting. “Look! I got it!” He pointed to the ruins of the shop. A single husk was ponderously pacing beside a first aid kit mounted to the wall.

“I’ve got this,” Kolarado slid down an embankment of debris, cocking his rifle on the way down.

“Wait!” Shadow Toadsworth tried not to shout, “You’ll summon the hordes!”

It was too late, as Kolarado unloaded a vortex buckshot straight into the husk’s cranium with a sharp pop. He pried the first aid kit from the wall just as a din of piercing shrieks deafened the square.

“HERE THEY COME!” Chaos Toadsworth wept.

The cobblestone clinked with keratin claws stampeding on spindly spider limbs. The former Toad residence of Hollijolli poured into the square by the dozens.

“Up top!” Captain toad rolled down the embankment with his backpack like a bowling ball, plowing straight into the husks as the mobbed around Kolarado. Captain Toad released his hidden wrist blades and whirled through the crowd carving bloody swaths. Kolarado was paralyzed in awe as Captain Toad brutalized the monsters as quickly as they joined the skirmish. In spite of the rising body count, there was no sign the husks slowing down. More and more crawled from every crevice and shadow as rapidly as they were slain.

“Come on!”  Pink Gold Toadsworth grabbed Kolarado by the hand, “we’ve got to go!”

“But… The Captan!”

“He can handle himself! We’ve got to go NOW!”

The two of them scaled the debris, hearts racing, and joined the others. They pulled their eyes away from the carnage and raced back to the clearing where the group had left Toadsworth and Flint.

“…Where are they? Craigley?! Hello!” Shadow Toadsworth began calling.

“Be quiet! Those things will hear you!” Chaos Toadsworth said, “Look. There’s a note.”

Kolarado bent low to pick up the fresh note scrawled with tidy print.

“What’s it say?”

“…Flint took Toadsworth. He betrayed us. He was working with the Order of theBrotherhood of Nightmares this entire time. Shit!” Kolarado shredded the note in his hands, the tears welling up.

“That… that can’t be. He swore with us we’d always be friends in Delfino!”

Kolarado couldn’t take it. He spiked the useless med kit into the ground and broke down crying on his hands and knees. His mind flooded with thoughts of his friends in danger. Toadsworth, Captain Toad, Baby Toadsworth, and Coach the Cheep Cheep from Mario Party Advance for the Nintendo Gameboy Advance. He slammed his fist into the dirt and muddied the ground with tears.

On the ground beside him was the last line of the shredded post script.

‘MIPS sends his regards.’

“You’ve come a long way,” Chaos Satan, who we can now call by his real name, BABY DONKEY KONG, said clapping his hands.  “Truly admirable.  Most people don’t make it this far…”

He spread his arms out wide in display.

“…TO THE CHAOS CHAMBER!”

Co-Star Luma spat out another mouthful of blood bitterly.  They had been so close.  So fucking close.  Shit!

“Tubba!”  Baby Donkey Kong, or Chaos Satan, snapped his fingers.  “Bring out the Chains of Remorse.”

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Co-Star Luma screamed, flecks of spit flying in all directions.  The time for dignity was long past, not when the Chains of Remorse were involved.

“PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Stop shouting,” Chaos Satan frowned. 

“PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“That is very loud.  Please stop that.”

“Please , can you not use the Chains of Remorse on me.”

“No.”

“FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Tubba Blubba, a shell of his former self, brought out the Chains of Remorse.  The sinister links clanked as they were dragged along the floor.

“Let him go!” Captain Syrup screamed, struggling in Axem Red’s Hyper Barrier.  “We’ll tell you everything!  We’ll tell you Belome’s weakness!”

“You blubbering baboon!” Axem Red cackled.  “Everyone knows Belome’s only weakness is the Dark Sonata!  Hello, ding dong!  Anybody home?!”

Axem Red made a cruel gesture as if he were pressing an invisible doorbell that did not exist outside of Captain Syrup’s non-existent home.  By doing so, he forgot she was in the Hyper Barrier and his finger was chopped off by five lasers, along with the rest of his body chopped into little pieces shortly after.

“Eugh,” said Baby Donkey Kong, the Chaos Version of Satan.  “Tubba, sorry, can you clean that up, that’s nasty.”

“I’m still alive!” croaked the pieces of Axem Red.  “If you just gather me up and collect the Dragon Balls, I can be save-“

Tubba Blubba promptly threw the Axem Red pieces into the fiery lava of Hell.

“Now then where were we?” said Chaos Satan, although he actually knew the answer.  He was just pretending to not know to be mean.  “Oh, yes.  The Chains of Remorse.  Tubba!”

Tubba Blubba began to wrap Co-Star Luma in the Chains of Remorse, which was difficult because his hands were now katanas.  “Sorry, give me like two seconds, boss.”

The next day, Co-Star Luma was finally wrapped tightly in the Chains.  He could feel the remorse coursing through his steins (the star version of veins) and the utter hopelessness wash over him.

“Can you feel it?” Baby Donkey “Chaos Satan” Kong whispered.  “This is what Yoshi felt before he died too.  How fitting that his father should share the same fate.”

Co-Star Luma tried to focus on something else to take his mind away from the remorse.  All of a sudden, there he was.  His Special One…those tight overalls…that sexy mustache…that roboticized cock…  As he shriveled into a soulless husk, Co-Star Luma whispered his name.

“L…..ui…..g……….i……”

Co-Star Luma died.  Man.

“Now then,” said Chaos Satan.  “It’s your turn, Syrup.”

“Not if I can help it!”

The ceiling burst into shards.  Luigi landed on the floor of the Chaos Chamber, wielding the Psionic Sword.

“Luigi!” said Baby Donkey Kong*.  “This is crazy!  Co-Star Luma was just talking about you like two seconds ago!  Life sure is wild sometimes!”

*Chaos Satan

“Syrup, are you all right?”  Luigi asked.

“I’m fine,” said Captain Syrup who during Luigi’s entrance had broken out of the Hyper Barrier, ripped off Tubba Blubba’s head with his own katana hands, and was now dribbling it on her knee like a soccer ball.

“Shouldn’t you be off kissing Prince Peasley?” taunted Chaos Satan.

Luigi’s eyes darkened.  “You know just as well as we do that Prince Peasley died before the events of this story took place so that he can never appear in Waluigi Handbag ever and because of Operation Clean Sweep, all of our memories of him were sealed in the Chaos Door, so he can’t even appear in flashbacks, because he was literally erased from all existence and space time.  You cruel son of a bitch.”

“What are you going to do about it?  This is the CHAOS CHAMBER.  I am CHAOS SATAN.  HOME TURF ADVANTAGE.”

“Things are about to change,” said Luigi. He pulled out a small poo-colored orb.  “The hierarchy of Hell will be overturned.”

“NO!!!  NOT THE G…”

Luigi lifted the poo orb into the air.

“…ENESIS WAVE!!!”

Luigi threw the Genesis Wave onto the floor, and it shattered.  Immediately, both Captain Syrup and Luigi were engulfed in a strong, cool green light.

“Goodbye, Chaos Satan,” said the newly reborn Chaos Luigi as he charged up a ball of green Chaos energy.  “Or should I say…just Baby Donkey Kong.”

The Chaos Beam fired and Baby Donkey Kong was shot one million miles out of the Chaos Chamber.  The speed of the blast was so fast that it shattered through the ceiling of Hell and sent Baby Donkey Kong flying through the atmosphere of space.

“What does this mean, Chaos Luigi?” said Chaos Syrup.

“All of Hell are now Chaos Disciples,” said Chaos Luigi triumphantly.  “With this newfound power, we’ll rally the denizens of Hell together, escape Hell, and get that Chaos Door open.  This is what Waluigi would’ve wanted.”

Meanwhile, as Baby Donkey Kong, formerly known as Chaos Satan, burned up in the atmosphere, he sent a telepathic message to his true master.

(It was all for you, my lord Belome.)

Baby Donkey Kong’s face turned to ashes.

(Or should I say…Chaos Belome.)

Chaos Belome’s eyes opened as he felt Baby Donkey Kong’s message.  He smiled the foulest of smiles, so foul that it could not even be described in prose.

The Mega Man universe was also affected by the Genesis Wave.

Rip Cheato stood in front of the Reset Grapes*.  ”Looks like things have gotten out of hand,” he said, shaking his head. “Got no choice but to eat these grapes.” He ate them, wincing with each bite. “Wow, these don’t taste very-“

“I am a cook and I love to coooook.”

Tayce T. bustled about in her kitchen, cooking delightful foods because she was a cook. Tayce T. liked to take recipes from people and cook food for them because cooking was her specialty as a cook. She cooked good.

“If only I had a Dried Pasta and a Koopa Leaf,” Tayce T. said cheerfully to herself. “Then I could cook Koopasta!”

Just then, the door swung open with so much force. The Master walked in honorably. He was the fighting martial arts master sensei at the Toad Town Dojo. The Master sat down dramatically.

“Hello, Tayce T.”

“Hello! I’m cooking!”

“What are you cooking?”

“I’m cooking a Shroom Steak, which is made from a Life Shroom and Mushroom!”

“Okay.”

Just then, the door swung open with so much evil force. Tayce T. stopped cooking and turned around.

It was Kammy Koopa. She was a Magikoopa dressed in purple clothes with glasses. She’s a bad guy.

“Nya ha ha ha!” Kammy Koopa snickered. “Look outside, you two! Bombette is being consumed by the darkness!”

“NO!”

Tayce T. and The Master ran outside. Bombette wasn’t becoming evil, because she wasn’t being consumed by the darkness.

“BOMBETTE!” Tayce T. cried.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?!”

“Nothing in particular.”

“Okay,” said Tayce T., who turned around in time to catch Kammy about to make a grab for her delicious meal which restores 30 HP and 10 FP.

 “Isn’t it horrible?” Kammy laughed, although she was really mad that she didn’t get to eat the Shroom Steak. “Nothing makes sense anymore, right?” Kammy was bouncing up and down from the excitement.

“Everything still makes sense,” The Master said, confused.  “Bombette is out there having fun and being a good guy.  Looks pretty normal to me!”

Kammy leapt out of her chair, tripping over her robes and falling on her face. Then she got up and ran outside to see for herself.  “BOMBETTE!”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m just hanging out, jeez.”

“This doesn’t make sense!” Kammy yelled. “The Dark Influence is supposed to be making you turn into a bad guy! Right now! I don’t understand why it’s not working?”

Tayce T. and The Master looked at each other and started laughing uproariously.  “Good guys? Become BAD GUYS?” They laughed and laughed and laughed.  “What an absurd notion!” they added in perfect unison.

“Why… isn’t the Dark Influence working?” Kammy said, sweating profusely. She fell to her knees. “What am I supposed to tell the boss?”

“Aww, yeah! Hey hey, DJ!” said a familiar voice.

“Look, here comes Jimmy T.!” Tayce T. yelled excitedly.

Jimmy T. moonwalked down the street into Tayce T.’s home while yelling “come on, come on!”

“How about a Kooky Cookie, Jimmy?” Tayce T. said excitedly, searching for Cake Mix and a Koopa Leaf. “They’re your favorite, right?”

“Aw, yeah!” Jimmy T. said.

“Jimmy!” Kammy yelled, crawling in through the window, drenched in sweat and panting. “You can’t be here! Did anybody see you!? Nobody can know where you are, have you forgotten!?”

“Young Jimmy can go wherever he wishes,” The Master nodded sagely.  “He is a strong young man and there is much he is capable of.”

“Did somebody say Kooooooky Cookie?” Kooper said, walking into the room to thunderous applause from the audience.  He was carrying a large scythe. “I was just tending my garden!” he said, placing the scythe down harmlessly on a stool.  “Growing Maximum Tomatoes from the Kirby universe sure is haaaaard work!”

“My… my dreadlord?” Kammy said, having lost all of her hair from the stress of the situation.  “P… please… tell me this is some kind of joke?”

“Golly, are you addressing me?” Kooper said, laughing. “Dreadlord, huh? That’s a new one! Picture me being a dreadlord! Ha ha ha!”

“Ha ha ha ha!”

“Ha!”

“Ha ha!”

“NO!” Kammy yelled, pulling out a gun. “IF YOU WON’T TURN EVIL I’LL MAKE YOU TURN EVIL!”

“Oh my god!” yelled Tayce T. ducking behind the counter. Kooper hid under his chair, screaming, while The Master put his hands up and backed away from Kammy slowly.

“Woooooow!” said Jimmy T., still eating his cookie.

“Please, let’s all calm down,” The Master said, his voice shaking. “What do you want from us? We are but simple good guys trying to make a living.”

Kammy shot The Master in the head, killing him instantly. Tayce T. let out a shriek and Kooper started crying.  “I can’t believe the two of you, sitting here acting like everything’s all fine and dandy!  The Prophecy clearly states that you’re both to become really evil and powerful and stuff! YOU!” she yelled, pointing her gun at Kooper. “Didn’t you find the Swirling Vortex? The Prophecy said last Saturday you were supposed to get sucked into it!”

“We had to cancel due to the rain!” Kooper yelled, peeing in his pants.  “So did the penguins!  Nobody went on any expeditions last Saturday!”

Kammy stared emptily at Kooper, slowly letting her firearm lower.  She was completely pale.  “Everything is different,” she whispered before dropping dead.

“Anywho,” Kooper said, hopping out of his seat. “We rescheduled the vortex thing for today, so I guess I’ll be off to do that, then! Hope nothing crazy happens!” He left to go do that.

Tayce T. got a call.  She answered. “Hi, I’m a cook! Oh, hi Pennington. What’s that? You want me and Bombette to go check out the Dark Influence? Okay, sounds good.” She hung up and left to go do that.

Jimmy T. set down his cookie, a stoic look on his face. “Now I must go into hiding,” he said.  “Nobody can know where I am.” He left to go do that.

For the next ten years, the events of the story played out exactly as told previously.

Rip Cheato stood in front of the Reset Grapes*.  ”Looks like things have gotten out of hand,” he said, shaking his head. “Got no choice but to eat these grapes.” He picked up the grapes but his head was quickly sliced off by Kooper, who was visiting the Vortex on the anniversary of his becoming a bad guy, which was now on a different day than it was in the previous iteration of the universe.

“It’s time to stop playing games,” he growled, licking the blood off of his INFERNO SCYTHE, a powerful weapon created by temporarily fusing his Vortex Scythe with one of the Inferno Gauntlets.  “We have to destroy the Shadow Koo. We have to erase their existence from this world.”

“I’m scared!” said Punchinello, who now had neon green hair, which is the only remaining thing different about this universe. “Do you suppose we can do it?”

“Yeah, we should be good,” Kooper said, swinging the INFERNO SCYTHE dramatically and creating a dark portal.  “I just learned where their headquarters is. Let’s go kill some Koos.” They leapt through the portal.

And now the battle has truly begun.

* The Reset Grapes also affect the Mega Man universe.

Ashley was careful in carrying her ceremonial torch through the weathered halls of Luigi’s Mansion.  The robes in which her new employers had adorned her were a menacing shade of bright magenta, decorated in a neon green color with symbols representing two shut eyes.  Not that Ashley ever cared about fashion, but she thought this getup was a little ridiculous.

At her side, dressed similarly and carrying a torch of his own, was Ludwig von Koopa.  While Ashley had managed to maintain her composure, Ludwig was very obviously a bundle of nerves.  He knew that one little slip up could cost him his life, and his hands were shaking profusely as the two proceeded up the staircase and up towards the rooftop where the ceremony was taking place.

“You’re new here too, right?” Ludwig whispered.  “I’ve heard stories about these guys… insane stories…”

“Stop talking to me,” Ashley said.

“I had this brother, Larry?” Ludwig continued anyway. “Well, he sneezed in the middle of their ceremony and… and I heard he…” Ludwig shook his head, tears leaking from his eyes. “God, they don’t even know where his head ended up…”

“Stop talking to me,” Ashley repeated, not listening to a word of it.

“And that’s not all!” Ludwig shouted, leaning in towards Ashley as the Luigi’s Mansion ghosts tried really hard to spook them.  “These loonies are trying to open up… you know… the door! You heard me right, they actually want it open!  Didn’t they hear what happened last time? Between you and me, I’m just here to avenge my brother!  I’m gonna find out what they did to him, see?  And I’m… I’m gonna bring down this whole organization!”

“Stop it,” Ashley groaned. “Just, stop saying things.”  There was nothing in the world she cared about less than what Ludwig had to say.

Finally the two of them reached the old wooden door, behind which a terrifying ritual was taking place. Ludwig suddenly froze, his face as white as the spooky ghosts who were throwing banana peels at them trying to get some kind of reaction.  He gulped, reaching out to hold Ashley’s hand. “W-w-we’re in this together… got it?”

Ashley opened the door without taking his hand and witnessed a circle of cloaked individuals, all of them quietly chanting the word “Koo”.  Chef Torte lay at the middle of the circle, beaten to a pulp and with his hands tied to his back.  In front of him stood the menacing figure of Major Burrows, draped in a fine magenta suit and wearing a neon green fedora.   He was wielding what Ashley immediately recognized as the Parasol of Death.

“Poor chef,” Major Burrows frowned, twirling the Parasol of Death playfully just in front of Torte’s face. With each spin, Chef Torte winced in fearful anticipation.  “You could have worked with us… Things could have turned out so differently… “

“Zis vas a mistake,” growled Chef Torte, laying in a puddle of his own blood.  “Apprentice ist beyond saving… I should have realized it sooneir…”

“On the contrary, my dear chef…” Major Burrows smiled.  “Your dear apprentice is enjoying the paradise which awaits us all behind the door. And we will all join him soon! Unfortunately for you, however…” He pressed the tip of his parasol against Torte’s forehead.

DON’T DO IT MAJOR BURROWS.

But it was too late. With one twirl of the Parasol of Death, Chef Torte’s head was teleported to the Chaos Realm.  His body fell lifeless on the ground.  The aforementioned chanting of the word “Koo” grew louder and more intense.  Ashley and Ludwig proceeded towards the circle as they had rehearsed so many times before.

Major Burrows smiled a warm smile upon seeing them enter.  “My children, you have come at just the right moment,” he welcomed the two. “Come, light the pillars and help guide this foolish soul to the Chaos Realm.”

But Ludwig was too nervous and his palms were sweaty and he fumbled with his torch and ended up dropping it on the ground and then he tripped on his robes and landed on the torch and his robes caught on fire and he had to struggle to get out of them and he bumped into Dodo who was just minding his own business and it created a domino effect that knocked over every member in the circle and totally interrupted the ceremony.

Ashley walked up to her pillar and lit it no problem because she’s not a fucking idiot.

“What is the meaning of this!?” Major Burrows roared at Ludwig, twirling the Parasol of Death menacingly.  “Seize him!”

Dodo and Donkey Kong worked together to grab ahold of Ludwig because in the Shadow Koo, teamwork is the most important.

“What did you do to my brother!?” Ludwig shouted, struggling to get free. “What did you do to Larry?”

“I killed him with the Parasol of Death,” Major Burrows said.  “Did you see what I did to him?” he motioned towards Chef Torte’s corpse. “I did that to Larry too. I killed him by teleporting his head to the Chaos Realm, which is what the Parasol of Death does.”

“Okay,” Ludwig said.

As Major Burrows killed Ludwig with the parasol, he turned to look at Ashley, who was diligently awaiting orders.  “Hey, you did great, though!”  Major Burrows commended.  “I think you’re gonna fit in here in the Koo!  With your help we can take down those BASTARDS, the Shadow Coup!”

“They don’t want the Chaos Door to open!” yelled Game Guy.

“Uh, well, not exactly,” Dodo corrected.  “Okay, so like, we’re motivated by our desire to enter the Chaos Realm, so we want the door open, obviously.  The Shadow Coup would actually prefer for the door to be open, but to be perfectly honest, the door is really a small part of their ultimate plan.  I think it’s more like, in the long term, they ultimately need for the door to be open, but I think it’d be misleading to introduce their faction with their opinion on the state of the Chaos Door because it’s not what defines them. While we, The Shadow Koo, are very specific and directed in our goals, the Shadow Coup’s actions work towards a more subtle and complex end, one which I personally disagree with since I really just wanna check out that Chaos Realm.”

“Well we’re OPENING that door whether they like it or not!!!” added Major Burrows, flexing a muscle. He works out often and is in excellent shape for his age.

“I’d like to help, then,” Ashley added.  “If you’ll allow, I can attempt to make contact with the poor souls on the other side of the door.”  She pulled out a spooky spellbook that had a picture of a GHOST on it. Everyone i n the Koo was in awe.

“Hey now, that sounds like a super plan!” Major Burrows said.  “We should run it by the boss!”

“The mysterious leader of the Shadow Koo…” whispered Donkey Kong.

“The chosen one who will guide us into chaos…” whispered Game Guy.

“A man shrouded equally by mystery and chaos…” whispered Dodo.

“Yes, my children?” called a mysterious voice floating from the darkness.  Amid several gasps and nervous humming of the word ‘Koo’, a hooded figure floated to the ground radiating a peach-colored aura.  The eyes hidden from behind the hood met Ashley’s.

“Master!” Major Burrows yelled, kneeling.  “We have been awaiting your return for years now!”

“Yeah, I’m back,” the leader of the Shadow Koo said.  He held a sack in his hand.  “It took a lot of effort, but I found all eleven of those brown coins!”  He threw the sack dramatically into the center of the Koo.  He held the pose and all fell into an awkward silence.

“M… master…” Major Burrows stuttered.

“Yeah?”

“There are… there are twelve of them, master…”

“…oh.”  The leader looked down at the sack.  “Well, uh… I’m sure that last one will… turn up…” He picked up the sack.

“Sorry to spoil the fun, but who are you?” Ashley said without fear because she’s really creepy and nothing scares her.

“Oh, sorry about that, I haven’t properly introduced myself.”  He threw off all of his cloaks, revealing a pair of mouse ears, some cool sunglasses, and a golden hook for a hand.  He wore an open-faced button-up shirt that was half black and half a checkered pattern. There were no fewer than twenty zippers between his shirt, shoes, and sunglasses.

“Wait… Mouser!?” Donkey Kong yelled, mouth agape.

“What?” the leader said, completely confused.  “I am absolutely not Mouser.  My name is Darkovkar.  I was born of the chaos and love that dwelled within Mouser’s heart.”

“Like… Chaos Mouser?” Game Guy asked.

“No, no,” Darkovkar explained.  “Chaos Mouser is completely different and he is very rude.  I’m just Darkovkar, you’d do well to disassociate me from the Mouser line entirely because it’s… pretty complicated.”

“Are there… others like you?” asked Dodo.

“Not really,” Darkovkar shrugged.  “Anyhow, what’s going on?”

“This terrifying young child wants to help us talk to somebody on… the other side!” Major Burrows said with excitement.

“The other side of what?” asked Darkovkar, confused.

“The… the Chaos Door.”

“Oh.  Yeah, I mean, that sounds great,” Darkovkar said.  “Yeah, let’s do that.”

The members of the Koo started murmuring frantically as Ashley opened up her scary spellbook. She turned to the Skeleton Chapter and flipped past pages and pages of angry-looking bats until she found the one she was searching for.  She wiped away the cobwebs and began to chant its words.

“Children, obey your parents in the Hammer Brother, for this is right. ‘Honor your fire flower and frog suit that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ Koopas, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Hammer Brother. Goombas, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Bowser…”

Chef Torte’s headless corpse twitched and threw itself about until it finally stood upright.  “W… WHO… WHO HAS CONTACTED ME…” With each word, blood splurted from the neck.

“Hey, it’s the Shadow Koo,” Darkovkar introduced.  “To whom are we speaking?”

“I WAS… ONCE KNOWN AS… TORTE’S APPRENTICE…”

“Hey man, we’re planning on bringing everybody over to the Chaos Realm,” Darkovkar explained.  “Isn’t that exciting?”

There was a long silence as the Koo anticipated Apprentice’s response.  Darkovkar looked to Major Burrows, who shrugged, and then turned back to the corpse.  “I said, we’re planning-“

“NO…” Apprentice responded.

“Oh.”

“I ONCE… KNEW HATE…” Apprentice said.  “I ONCE… HAD ENEMIES… BUT NOW… THERE IS ONLY PAIN.  EVERY WAKING MOMENT… I AM IN MORE PAIN THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. FORGET ABOUT FACTIONS… FORGET ABOUT ALLIANCES… THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT… IS THAT NO OTHER LIVING BEING… BE ALLOWED TO SUFFER AS WE DO… EVERY MOMENT…”

“Okay, well,” Darkovkar continued, “That sounds wonderful.  You guys are pretty lucky!  Is it nice in the Chaos Realm?”

“NO!” Chef Torte’s corpse spazzed out and shot flung its arms everywhere.  “DO NOT… LET THIS HAPPEN… TO ANOTHER SOUL… I BEG OF YOU…”

“I can’t wait until it’s me behind that door,” Donkey Kong whispered to Dodo.

“Okay, well, thanks for your time,” Darkovkar said.  “Hopefully we’ll see you soon!”

Ashley closed the book and Chef Torte’s corpse abruptly plopped to the ground, lifeless once again. Every member of the Koo let out a heavy sigh, dreaming about the adventures they’d embark upon once they were finally in the Chaos Realm.

“Right!” Major Burrows said, clasping his hands together.  “What’s our next move?”

Darkovkar rubbed his chin. “Hm… We should probably eliminate Organization Enigma.  Yeah, that sounds like a solid plan to me.  Let’s go for it!”

“YEAH!!!” said all the members of the Koo, pulling out various terrifying weapons.  The die had been cast.  Kooper and the gang didn’t know it, but they would soon be accomplice to a series of horrific events that would change the world forever.  These events will eventually come to be known as… The Chaos Door Gore War.

Meanwhile, Torte’s Apprentice remained a slave to chaos and nothing would ever change that.

“Welcome home, mother!” yelled all one thousand Luma orphans as their caretaker walked in the door amidst the hurricane of darkness that was swelling outside.  Merlon was working his foul magic yet again.

“Mummy!” cried the smallest, most adorable Luma of the bunch.  “Do you ‘ave food fer us?  Eet’s been a dog’s age, it ‘as!”

The nine hundred and ninety nine other lumas began chiming in as well, climbing all over each other, and tugging at their mother’s dress, hopeful that she could provide a momentary reprieve from the misery that was their existence.  But her silence told them all they needed to know, as slowly the ruckus settled down and all was quiet.  The lumas struggled to hide their desperate tears as they anxiously awaited their mother’s word.

“My younglings,” she smiled, leaning down to embrace them.  “Please forgive your foolish mother… She’s trying her best…”

“BUT WE’RE SO HUNGRY!!” yelled Lubba so fat that he couldn’t physically move.

What could she say to them?  There was simply no way for her to feed these children as long as King Boo was free to ramp up the rent for every penny they had.  And what could she do to stand up to him and his shrewd business tactics?  To stand up to King Boo is to stand up to Booster, and to stand up to Booster is to ensure that one meets a prolonged and miserable death.  Not to mention she was already ONE BILLION COINS in debt to their entire organization.  The fact they let her live in the first place was nothing short of a miracle.  Right now, however, the biggest mistake she could make was to let her younglings see her cry.

“No worries, mum!” said that stupid British Luma again.  “Long as yer ‘ere wit us, we’ll find a way ta get through this!”

The door was thrown open again and in its frame stood Kolorado, wearing a bloody lab coat and with an unfathomable madness swelling in his eyes. His grin was twisted and sinister as if lusting to taste living flesh. The lumas screamed and ran to hide.

“My dreadlord,” he hissed, extending a clawed arm towards the Mother of Lumas.  “Come back to us!”

“Get away from my children!” she yelled, pulling out her vortex scythe. “Wait… Why do I…?”

“MOM, WHAT’S HAPPENING!?” screamed Lubba, who had fallen on his back and couldn’t upright himself because he was so fucking fat.

The hurricane had now torn away the walls of the orphanage and one by one the luma children were being swept up into its furious rampage.  Their mother had her vortex scythe poised to strike, and though she thirsted for his blood, she shook with hesitation.

Kolorado’s smile did not fade.  If anything, it had grown more sadistic.  “It’s time, my dreadlord!  Time once again to unleash your wrath upon the sinners of this world! Strike me down! Grant me the gift of oblivion!”

“WAIT!!!” screamed a familiar voice from somewhere in the darkness. “PLEASE, DON’T DO THIS! THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER WAY!”

Wario… The  Mother of Lumas immediately recognized the voice.  Suddenly a whirlwind of intense emotions overcame her and she fell to her knees, dropping the vortex scythe to the ground. If only there were another way… for his sake.  Although she was certain she had never met Wario in her life, the only thing in the world she wanted now was to feel his warm embrace.

“Mother, what’s wrong!?” Lubba continued to yell, struggling like a tortoise to get on his feet but it just wasn’t in the cards.

“What are you waiting for, my dreadlord!?” Kolorado squealed with sick pleasure.  “Kill me!”

“Whatever happens…” Wario yelled.  “I’ll always love you!  Please, don’t forget that!”

The Mother of Lumas pulled at her hair, unable to contain the conflicting emotions that were swirling inside of her.  Who am I?, she thought.  She wanted to protect and yet she wanted to destroy.  She desired both chaos and order yet could be satisfied by neither.

“My mother!”

“My dreadlord!”

“My love!”

In that instant, she collapsed into darkness.  She continued to sink, as though being engulfed by a vast and completely black ocean, kind of like the Sea of Abysses but even scarier. Once she finally hit the sea floor, three figures stood over her.  She clamored to her feet, finding herself face to face with a woman she recognized as Rosalina.  Her eyes were shut and there was no life remaining in her. The lifeless corpses of all of the luma children were floating all around her.  The Mother of Lumas couldn’t help but feel an incredible emptiness when looking at this poor woman.

She turned and locked eyes with another of the three.  It was unmistakable that this man was the hero who had saved the world from chaos those many years ago.  It was Waluigi, proudly meeting her eyes.  He nodded solemnly, though she did not entirely understand the meaning of all this.  He stood in front of a blue door, sealed by a complicated array of dark runes and demon chains.

And then she turned to meet with the last figure, eyes glowing red and pulsating with a dark aura.  It was none other than Kooper, the dreadlord of Organization Enigma, wielding a bloody scythe and sitting impatiently atop a massive pile of severed heads.  In the pile she recognized Prince Peasley, Mail Toad, O’Chunks, Jonathan Jones, and Chaos Burt the Bashful.  It was clear that his hunger for blood was far from satiated because he was growling at her.

Suddenly, the blue door threw itself open and the Mother of Lumas witnessed the vortex of chaos that existed on the other side.  Though she wanted to run from it, her legs would not obey and she remained fixated in front of the vicious portal.  The three who surrounded her seized her immediately. As she struggled to get free, a booming cackle echoed through the air.  Belome’s gigantic figure rose from over the horizon, his colossal tongue bellowing with flames.  Compared to him, the Mother of Lumas was as small and powerless as an ant.

As Belome roared in demonic tongues, the subtitles at the bottom of the screen read “Embrace chaos!”  With one mighty step, the entire landscape around the Mother of Lumas began crumbling. Belome roared out another cacophony of indescribable foreign words.  “Enter the door to my realm, my poor lost child!” the subtitles faithfully read.

“NO!” the Mother of Lumas struggled, but was helpless to fight back as Waluigi, Kooper, and Rosalina flung her through the door and into chaos. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Kooper’s eyes shot open.  He was breaking out in sweat. He had had this dream and variants thereof every single night since his resurrection, but could not derive any meaning out of them.  Obviously he was the dreadlord Kooper, merciless and powerful, yet unquestionably loyal to his followers. Lumas were weak, stupid, and useless, and were of absolutely no value to him or his organization.

“Good morning, my dreadlord!” yelled Kolorado, marching dutifully into the room with a fresh pot of coffee as black as the darkness within Kooper’s soul. “Ready to initiate our big secret plan to take down the Shadow Koo once and for all?” he asked, pouring a fresh cup. Smells great!

“Kolorado…” Kooper growled, shaking away the visions that had haunted him only moments prior.

“What’s good, boss?” Kolorado said, happily placing Kolorado’s pretty pink coffee cup on his nightstand and turning to open the blinds and let a little sunshine in.

“I… no, it’s… it’s nothing… Forget it…” Kooper muttered.

“Alrighty then!” Kolorado said.  “Better sharpen your scythes, my dreadlord!  It’s a long way to Goomba Village!” He left the room, whistling merrily.

Kooper examined his Chaos Scythe, stained with the blood of so many of his victims.  “I have to kill them all…” He said to himself.  His reflection gazed back at him.  He wondered when it would show who he was inside.