The bluebird fluttered, thrashing around in its cage before managing to work itself out the open door. It flew circles around Fritz and Theodore, cheering.

“Ohh! Ohh!! It’s good to get out of there! Wow!” She found a perch on Theodore’s shoulder. “Thank you! A whole lot of thank yous! You’re the first person who even tried to let me out! It really sucked in there, but you’re really nice! Do you want to be friends? I want to be friends. I hear nice people make good friends.”

“Great. Now you’ve done it,” Fritz said. “It wants to be your friend.”

“W-what should I do?” Theodore was too scared to move.

Fritz grabbed a stick and prodded it off Theodore’s shoulder. It toppled off him and fluttered into the air. That was their cue to make a break for it. They sprinted along the trail, only for the bird to fly after and alongside them with great effort.

“Whoa. You’re in a hurry!” She was chipper. “Where are you going?”

Theodore glared at her. “Home! You ought to do the same!”

“Okay! I’ll come with you.”

Fritz slapped his own face. “Argh!” They slowed to a walk once it was clear they weren’t going to escape, and the bluebird reattached itself to Theodore’s shoulder.

“Don’t make eye contact,” Fritz said. “Maybe it will go away.”

“That’s mean!” She said. “No one ever wants to be my friend! Don’t mess this up for me!!” She turned back towards Theodore, leaning to look him in the eye.

“Do you like apples?” she said.

Theodore said nothing, trying to take an intense interest in a fern growing on the side of the trail.

“What’s your favorite sort of apple?”

Theodore shooed her away. “I hate apples.”

The little bird gasped and plopped onto the ground like a half-inflated ball. “Whoa!” It hopped to its feet and skittered along the ground after him. “That’s so weird!! I thought everybody liked apples! Me, I like green ones, but also red ones. How do you feel about bread? Do you like bread?”

Fritz took this opportunity to stomp on the bird.

Theodore bit his lip. “You didn’t have to kill it.”

“Had to be done,” Fritz said, and pried a flat mangled blue disc off the bottom of his boot. “Creatures can play friendly but there’s no telling what they’re capable of.”

Theodore looked at the mess with a mix of disgust and pity. Then, to his surprise, there was a twitch and it popped back to is normal proportions. The little bird wobbled, disoriented, and shook itself back to sense.

“Ow! That hurt! Be more careful!!”

Fritz groaned. “Oh Mother of Magic, what did you get us into?”

“I’m sorry!” Theodore said, not even sure of what to feel anymore. “I thought it was just a normal talking bird!”

“Oh hey.” The bird perked its head towards the end of the trail. It opened onto a clearing. “Is that where you live??”

The two men looked. Ahead sat a stone cottage with a thatched roof and a yard drowning in weeds. Fritz waded out into the overgrowth. “Here you are. Home sweet home.”

Theodore turned the key to find the cottage door unlocked, but stuck. He pressed his shoulder into the door, straining to force it open. It wasn’t until Fritz joined him that it gave with a sharp crack.

The interior was a disaster. Cobwebs had taken over, coating the walls in layers. Light streaked through cracked window shutters. There was a steady drip in the ceiling despite the lack of rain. Furniture and filing cabinets were upended and splintered. Books and paperwork were strewn across the floor in tatters. Whatever happened to the former Ranger Deputy, it seemed his office had been picked over.

The bird followed them inside, gaping. “You have ceilings?? I’m jealous.”

Theodore moved through disheveled rooms: an office foyer, a kitchen, and an upstairs bedroom. All things considered, it was far grander than the garret he had been renting in the city. It was even a bit too large for one person.

“What a dump,” Fritz said.

Theodore rubbed his chin. “It will take a few days work to get it presentable.”

“Well, don’t look at me.” Fritz set the suitcases down by the door. “I’ve got a train to catch. My orders were to escort you here. Nothing more.”

“Oh!! I’ll help!” the little bird said. “Let me help! I’m great at everything!!” She scampered up to a toppled bookcase and struggled to lift it.

Fritz offered a sideways smirk. “Well, Deputy, it looks like you’re in good hands.” He ambled to the door with a salute. “Good luck out here.”

The door closed, shutting Theodore into the dim confines of his new life. He sighed, unsure of what he expected.

The little bird huffed and grunted, scrambling with all her might to pick up the massive bookcase. Theodore watched, pitying them both.

“Please stop,” Theodore said. “It’s cute of you to try, but it’s pointless. You’re just a tiny bird. You aren’t cut out for that.”

She burst out laughing, startling Theodore. “That’s right! I’m a bird!” She said. “I was locked up so long I forgot!”

Theodore raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure how you forget something like that.”

The little bird erupted. In a blink, its body grew and shifted, snapping to the size and shape of a person. Now, instead of a little songbird, a goat-legged woman was standing in front of him.

“That’s better,” she said, wringing her hands. “Let’s get to work!”

“You’re…” Theodore backed away. “What are you?” Fritz was right. He had no idea what this creature was or of what it was capable.

Her entire body was covered in coarse brown fur with speckles and a white underbelly. She was something between a deer and a goat and a human. Her black heart-shaped nose was joined in a short snout, her head wrapped in a messy mane of hair. Stubby little horns poked off the top of her head. Instead of feet her legs ended on a pair of hooves, ankles bent hock, muscles toned. Her smile was playful and her eyes big and brown.

“My name’s Oboe! I’m a faun!” she said, lifting the fallen bookcase with a single arm.

Theodore searched his memory. He had taken pride in studying magic creatures as little as possible once his father tried to force him. “That’s a type of fairy, isn’t it?”

She nodded, sitting the bookcase right side up. “Yeah. And you’re human, right? That makes you a type of feral.”

“What?” He scrunched his nose. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not a talking animal.”

Oboe looked confused. “Oh. But humans are non-magic creatures, right? And they learned to talk because magic touched them, and taught them how to think thoughts, right?”

“Well… yes.” It was a crude but technically correct summary of leading biological theory.

“So how are humans different from ferals? What makes you different from the squirrels or badgers who think and talk?”

“We just are!” This entire discussion was absurd. “We’ve got cities and laws and a whole economy!”

Oboe rolled an upturned desk onto its legs. “Oh. I suppose so.” She fell quiet, and decided to assist Theodore in picking files and papers off the floor. “We don’t get a lot of humans out here. You don’t dress like a witch either. What brings you out to the Whirlwood?”

Theodore grimaced, wishing he could forget. “I was appointed as the new Ranger Deputy.”

The faun froze, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Papers slipped through her hands and scattered across the floor.

Theodore waved at her, growing concerned. “Are you o-“

She lunged before he could finish. Theodore flailed his arms in self-defense, falling back against the desk. The fairy beast leaned over him, inches from his face.

“THAT’S WONDERFUL!!”

Theodore slumped limp to the floor. Oboe paced in front of him, somehow bouncier than before. “Oh gosh, oh gosh! We haven’t had a Ranger Deputy in months! This is amazing! You can help everyone! Finally! You can kill Silas Jack!!”

It took Theodore a moment to realize the faun was not about to tear out his throat. It took him several more to process what she was asking him to do.

“Kill…?” he said, pushing himself to his feet. “You want me to kill somebody?”

“Yeah!” Oboe said, and mimed swinging a sword. “That’s what knights do, right? Slay stuff?”

Theodore grit his teeth. “I am not a knight!”

Oboe blinked, brow furrowed. “Oh.” she said. “But the king sent you to help us, right?”

Theodore moved behind the desk, to put something between him and the creature. “He approved the transfer, yes. I was recommended by middle management. I don’t know how to fight, and would not fight even if I could.”

“Don’t all humans fight?” She looked bewildered.

Was she stupid? “No!” Of course they didn’t.

Disappointment crept into her confusion. Theodore circled the desk as she tried to follow him. “That’s weird. Why would the king send you? How are you going to slay wicked creatures if you can’t fight?”

A memory flashed: His father’s sword arcing through a slice. A nymph’s severed head screaming through the air. A werewolf crumbling to ash under the weight of a knife. Theodore pounded a fist into the desk.

“I’m not going to slay anything!” He startled them both with how loud he yelled.

The two stood in stunned silence. Theodore, prickling, did his best to calm down.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “…I need to ask you to leave.”

“Aren’t you going to help us?” There was desperation in her voice. “Isn’t it your job…?”

“It’s not my job to kill things!” He said.

“I thought that’s what the Ranger Deputy does?”

Theodore felt the world close in around him. She was right, wasn’t she? He marched into this office wearing a military uniform, as if the job description wasn’t drenched in blood.

An epiphany struck. Slipping past Oboe, Theodore seized his suitcase and dropped it onto the desk. It sprang open, and he pulled out his orientation binder as if it were a magic weapon.

“Here!” he said. He opened it to its first laminated page and pointed. “That’s my job description!”

Oboe leaned over the page, reading.

“Henceforth, in the year of the Mother 3586, the station of Ranger Deputy is established by decree of the King of all Laien. The appointed shall stand for law and order within the Whirlwood Valley. There he shall keep peace between Man, Ghast, Fey, and Feral. He will oversee the collection and transfer of wild magic for the prosperity of the people. He will speak for the crown among the trees, and give aid to those in dire need.”

“Er, yes.” Theodore was surprised the faun could read. “As you see, there is no specific mention of killing, fighting, slaying, or similar loathsome verbs.”

She looked up. “So you’re going to keep peace and help out, but not slay anyone?”

“Uh.” Theodore’s head spun trying to imagine the logistics behind what he was arguing. It did not matter. All he truly needed was to lay low until he could find some loophole to get out of his assignment. “That… appears to be the case.”

Oboe stood, taking in and weighing Theodore’s words. She tensed.

“That’s amazing!!” She climbed over the desk and lifted Theodore into a crushing bear hug. “You’re going to save us and not hurt anyone! That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard!”

Panic flooded Theodore’s veins. He thrashed to get free, shoving his hand in her face. “Stop! Let me go at once!”

She did so, placing him back down on the floor with care. His skin crawled, wondering if the creature had managed to enchant him.

“Leave.” he said, glaring.

“But…” She glanced around at the mess around them. “Don’t you want me to help you clean up?”

“I said get out!” He stomped toward her and she retreated.

“Um. Okay!” She lingered in the doorway. “Well. I just want you to know I’m excited about your plan to help us! Thank you so much!”

“Fantastic.” Theodore pushed the door into her, throwing himself against it to close it shut. “Goodbye!”

The door clicked shut, and he heaved a sigh of relief.

“Welcome to the Whirlwood Valley!” Oboe called from outside. “I hope you’re happy here!” Theodore locked the door. “I’ll be happy when I’m gone.”

All Theodore needed was to research a way out of his job. There had to be something: a loophole, a legal technicality, anything that would give him the foothold to argue himself free of the royal appointment. There was no telling how long this would take, and that meant he needed to get the cottage into a half-way livable condition.

After clearing out the debris, mopping and sweeping, patching the roof, regrouting the kitchen tile, unpacking and organizing his books and wardrobe, sanitizing the kitchenware, re-alphabetizing the file system, and fixing all wobbling furniture legs, he supposed it would suffice. It bothered him that the plumbing still required maintenance, the vegetable garden needed weeding, and the wallpaper could stand to match the curtains. Sacrifices had to made.

Theodore sprang out of bed at first light to begin his quest. He brewed himself 340 milliliters of coffee and prepared a dish of 540 milliliters of porridge. After ironing his uniform, he settled onto the desk with a stack of law and government guideline manuals. His answer was buried somewhere among those pages, he just needed to find it.

Halfway through his coffee, his concentration was broken by a knock at the door. Dread washed over him. Did anyone know he was here? He sat still, wondering if whoever it was would leave if he stayed quiet.

There was another round of knocking. Theodore got up and crept toward the door. He unlatched the lock and opened the door just enough to peek through the gap.

The yard was crowded with a menagerie of wild creatures of every shape and size. Gnomes, werewolves, foxes, deer, trolls, nymphs, and goblins all locked eyes with him. He slammed the door shut and latched it again. He realized, in a moment of horror, that the cottage was surrounded.

He jumped as the window shutters burst open, a sparkling unicorn stuck its head through the window and craned its neck towards him.

“Greetings human! We of the Whirlwood have come to beseech you!!”

Theodore pressed himself up against the wall, praying he was beyond the creature’s reach. He stifled a shriek as a half dozen gnomes rolled off the unicorn’s neck to fall into a dog pile on the floor.

“Hey!” They sprung to their feet. Tiny hedgehog people, dressed in rags and mantles with sharp hair quills, grubby little hands, and long tails. “Why’d they take so long to hire you?!” Their voices were shrill and nasal. They clambered over one another to grab at Theodore’s pant legs. “It’s been months! You’re supposed to help us!”

Theodore shook the gnomes off and jumped over them. He stumbled when he saw foxes, badgers and field mice climbing into the office through the window. The office floor was flooding with wild animals. He fled into the kitchen.

“Where are you going?!” They gave chase.

There was a backdoor where he could make an escape. He threw the door open, and found a werewolf was standing on the other side. It was a massive beast with curls of coarse black hair, a slathering jaw of pointed teeth, a nice silk tie, and blood red eyes. Theodore backed away as it reached toward him with a long sinewy arm, fingers fanned with razor claws. It seized Theodore by the hand before he could react.

“Hello.” It shook his hand. “My name is Barghest. It’s very nice to meet you.”

Theodore pulled his hand free, screamed, and tripped over a dinette chair trying to run. His face pressed up against the linoleum, he wavered on the edge of consciousness, and decided it was an appropriate occasion to faint.

Voices bickered on the edge of hearing.

“What’d you do to him?! Is he alright??”

“Don’t yell. I’m sorry! I thought I was being cordial!”

“You better not have broken ‘em. He only just got here and my permits still need renewing!”

Reality gripped Theodore with a nasty headache. His vision was a blur of color.

“He’s supposed to wear these!” a familiar voice said.

“Stay away from him, you nameless wretch! If you enchant him I’ll make sure the Circle hears of it!”

Theodore’s glasses were forced onto his face, and the world came into sharp focus. He found himself lying on the kitchen table. Squirming, he sat up, and saw the room crowded with fairies, monsters and animals. It was a profound disappointment to realize the past few days had not been an elaborate nightmare.

“He’s okay!” The beasts burst into cheers of delight and as much dancing as the floor space would allow. Theodore watched, reconsidering whether what he was seeing was the result of a concussion.

“Excuse me!” He held out a hand, bringing the celebration to a halt. “What is going on? Are you here to kill me?”

“Kill you?” The werewolf laughed, then furrowed his brow at the crowd. “Does he think we’re wicked or something?”

Theodore felt a sharp stab. He looked to find a gnome, dressed in layered shawls, jabbing him with a tiny cane.

“Don’t you insult us by saying we’re something we ain’t! I’ll have you know that no one in my whole family’s history has ever turned wicked! And that’s counting my late husband’s side. Honestly!”

One of the other gnomes spoke up. “Didn’t Uncle Lanny try to steal that baby once?”

“I didn’t ask you, Lyle! We don’t talk about Lanny! It doesn’t count!”

Whatever was going on, the creatures did not seem to mean any harm. Theodore didn’t feel enchanted, not that he had any idea what that felt like, and couldn’t even locate any bite marks. He slid off the table onto his feet, and the creatures made room.

“What’s going on?” Theodore asked. “Why are you all here?”

A faun shoved her way to the front. It was the one he met yesterday, Oboe. “I went to tell everybody about you! You’re welcome!”

Theodore stiffened. “Why would you do that?”

“Um.” Doubt dripped across her face. “Everybody’s been waiting for a new Ranger Deputy for months. I thought I’d help and let them know you arrived!”

“Yeah!” a goblin said. “I need to get my visa renewed so I can work in the city again!”

“Me too!” said the troll leaning in the doorway.

“Is getting a visitor’s pass easier?” a talking fox asked. “I’ve wanted to go inside the walls all my life.”

The werewolf raised his hand. “My haunting license is almost expired.”

“I have questions about starting a small business!!” a boar said, pushing others out of the way for attention.

“So…” Theodore started to understand. “You’re all needing help with paperwork and documentation?”

There was a collective murmur of agreement. “I guess so.” “Yeah.” “Pretty much.”

Today had not gone as expected. Theodore was annoyed that he’d been sidetracked from his research. However, the work was at least to his taste. There was no harm in him assisting with a few permit applications and renewals.

“You’ve caught me unprepared. Let me set up my desk and papers and we can get started. Who’s first?”

The entire room exploded into argument. Creatures on every side started shouting that they were first. They pulled at Theodore’s clothes, bellowed and started fighting and shoving. Theodore had to climb back onto the table to avoid getting pulled into the skirmish.

“Stop!” he said, but his voice was lost in the noise. “KNOCK IT OFF!”

The room froze mid-brawl. Theodore was shocked by how readily they responded to his command. He cleared his throat and straightened his uniform.

“There is no need for violence,” he said. “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to have to get organized.”

The fun part was designing a system to assign turn order. Theodore corralled the creatures into the yard, and set to work cutting out numbered slips of paper. He set up a table outside with the tickets and a pitcher of lemonade, and announced turns would be assigned by lottery.

After calling out numbers, it was clear after the first few that most of the monsters simply needed to fill out and submit appropriate forms. Soon the office was filled with creatures, many hunched over tables and corners filling out forms while Theodore floated between them answering questions.

“Hey!” A pooka flagged him down. He was a small rabbit man, with black fur and golden eyes. “What am I supposed to do if I haven’t got a mailing address? I live in a hole. I dug it in the dirt. Mail isn’t a thing that happens.”

Theodore pointed to section C of the application. “Indicate here that you want the visa delivered to this office. You’ll have to come back in a month to pick up your visa.”

“Umm!” The werewolf stuck his long arm straight up to the ceiling, holding it up with his free hand. His face was a shaggy mop of hair and teeth.”Mr. Deputy! I need help please!”

“What is it now, Barghest?” Theodore asked, careful to step over the gnomes.

“Can you check that I’m doing this right??” He held up a permit renewal decorated in careful chicken scratch. “I have to do these two pages as well, right?”

“No. Remember, you are just asking for an extension of your permit. Those pages are only for new applications.” He scanned the document for errors, and nodded. “You’re doing fine. There’s no need to get so worked up.”

“If I don’t get this submitted on time, they’ll take away my haunting ground!” He squirmed in his seat, tugging at his neck hair. “I can’t lose it! I’ll die!”

Theodore hovered closer. “It’s okay. Breathe. If it’s so important, why did you wait so long to renew?”

“I couldn’t! There’s been no Ranger Deputy in months, and I’m not allowed in the city! It expires in two weeks! Are you sure it’s going to get submitted on time?!”

Theodore hesitated to touch Barghest, but gave the werewolf a reassuring pat. “I’ll notarize it so they know you filed today. You won’t lose your claim even if your paperwork lapses, alright?”

The wolf man breathed in and out until he calmed. “Okay,” he said. “And you’ll double check for mistakes before I leave, right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“…Thank you.” Barghest pressed his face back up to the paper, squeezing the tip of his pencil.

Theodore glanced around the room and found a rare moment where everyone was at work but no one was looking for help. The sound of scribbling filled him with a sense of gratification. He drifted through the room, and noticed a fox struggling in the corner. She gripped the pencil with her teeth and scraped it across the paper in slow and nervous strokes. The fox had been toiling over the first sheet of the city visa application for the past half hour.

Theodore stepped closer. “Would… you like me to help you with that?”

“Wo hoo bant elp!”

“What?”

She spat out the pencil.

“I said don’t help me! You can’t! Last time they turned me down because I didn’t do all of the paperwork myself!”

Theodore backed off. She was, of course, correct about the policy. He just felt bad to watch her. “I’m sorry.”

The fox looked down at the remaining ten pages of demographic forms, with budding tears. “I just want to eat at a nice restaurant.”

Theodore felt a pang of sympathy. “I’ll let you work in peace. Pardon me.”

She nipped at the pencil, picking it up back up with her teeth and resumed her laborious task. Before Theodore could move away, he was cornered by a half dozen sylph.

“We are next!” they announced, and maneuvered to surround him. They were bug people, the size of human children. Their bodies were bulbous like lady bugs, with shrill nasal voices, two pairs of eyes all glaring, and antennae dangling off their shelled heads. “You will attend to us, human!”

“One at a time, please!” Theodore said.

“Impossible!” the lead speaker said. “This matter concerns our whole Hive of Commerce!”

“We have submitted our applications for trade visas,” another said. “Yet we have not yet received them!”

This was ridiculous. “That was less than an hour ago,” Theodore said. “You have to wait three to four weeks for them to arrive.”

“Unacceptable!” The sylph vibrated their wings in anger. “We cannot lose profit just because your government was too useless to assign a new worker!”

“There are deliveries to make!” another said. “Your university depends on our spell weaves, and our wares bring in trade from across the sea! It is in your interest to help us!”

Theodore pondered this puzzle. “If you have your expired papers, I can stamp them for emergency extension.”

The sylph broke formation and huddled, exchanging chirping whispers until consensus was reached. “We will retrieve our documents. Do not die before we return!”  Theodore retreated into the kitchen to brew an additional 170 milliliters of coffee. There was still a dozen more creatures waiting in the yard. It was going to be a long day, yet Theodore was surprised by how much he was enjoying it.

The eldest gnome yelled as two of her sons made a production to hoist her onto the desk. She harrumphed and straightened out her many flowing shawls. Her hair spines were tied up in a floral headscarf.

“It’s about time you got to me!” Her fanged snout scrunched in a scowl. “Finally have time for ol’ widow Mahala, eh?”

Theodore moved his papers to make room as Mahala stamped across the desk with her cane. “It’s been busy. How can I help you?”

“You’re going to get my son back, is what!” She said, glaring at him with button eyes.

“Pardon me?”

“You heard me!” she said. “I need you to perform a rescue! The Red Caps kidnapped my oldest and you’re going to save him!”

Theodore searched through his stacks of forms, as if there was a sheet pertaining to this sort of request. Mahala smacked his wrist with her cane.

“I ain’t doing any scribbling! You need to haul your furless butt out into the woods and bring back Lemmy before something awful happens!”

“I…” Theodore glanced around the room for help that was not there. Oboe met his eyes with a smile and a wave. “I suppose I could make a report at least.” He fumbled with his pencils.

“Oh yeah?” She rose to her full height, coming up to Theodore’s chin. “What’s that gonna do? Is your report going to rescue my son?”

Theodore broke into a cold sweat. Things were going so well until this moment. “There likely isn’t much more I can do right now. If he’s been kidnapped, he could be anywhere.”

“I know!” Oboe said, tripping over her own hooves rushing to the desk. “I saw Lemmy! Just the other day! I was there! I can help!”

Theodore snapped his pencil in half. “Haha. Did you? Is that so? Really?”

“Yeah!” She pulled Theodore out of his seat by the arm. “It was right before they stuck me in that cage! I can show you right now!”

“That won’t be necessary!” He yanked his arm away. “I couldn’t dream of endangering a civilian.”

“Please let me help!” Oboe said. “If it weren’t for you, I’d have died in that cage.”

Theodore wracked his brain for excuses. “I’ve a great deal of filing to do, and there are still others waiting for help. Perhaps later.”

“Not later, now!” Mahalla said. She whipped out her numbered ticket. “It’s my turn! I’ve been waiting all day! It’s me! Now get out there and find my son!”

She leapt off the desk and rapped Theodore about the ankles with her cane with surprising strength until he fled out the door. “Go on! Get!”

Theodore stood in front of the handful of creatures he had yet to assist, including a few goblins and a deer buck that had fallen asleep. He cleared his throat.

“I apologize, but I will have to ask the rest of you to come back another day. It seems I am being called away on business and will most likely die shortly. Thank you for your patience.”

Theodore stopped to gasp for breath, struggling to keep up as Oboe led him uphill. “Where are you taking me?”

“The Gnome Boroughs!” Pebbles tinkled down the hillside as the faun leapt between rocks with ease. “It’s just over this rise! C’mon!”

Stones jutted from the stony slope like hungry teeth. Theodore looked down the steep drop, thinking of how many bones he could break if he slipped. “Isn’t there a safer way?”

“Yeah!” Oboe said. “But I wanted to take you the fun way!”

Theodore grimaced. “There is nothing more fun than workplace safety. We should turn back.”

“No!!” She bent down and offered her hand. “I promise I’ll keep you safe. We’re almost there!”

Theodore looked at the long trek back and decided he might as well see it through to the top. He took Oboe’s hand and she pulled him up into the air like a ragdoll, until he caught his footing on the ledge.

“So, what’s your name?” She said.

“Huh?”

“I told you my name. We haven’t really met if you don’t tell me yours.”

He hesitated, wondering if it were safer to withhold that information. It was common sense to beware of fairies, but there was nothing but warmth in her face.

“…Theodore.” He offered a handshake. “My name is Theodore.”

Oboe hopped to the next ledge. “Theodore? That’s a weird name. Why is it so long?”

He lowered his hand. “It’s just my name.”

“Oh!” She kicked a fallen log to make a ramp for him. “You know what would be cooler?? If you went by Theo! That’d make for a good knight name!”

Theodore almost fell. “No!” He steadied himself against the hill. “Don’t call me that. A name is only proper if it utilizes all of its syllables. You will address me as Theodore, and I am not a knight.”

“We made it!” Oboe clambered up to the summit. “Look! Look!” She beckoned for him to hurry. “You can see the whole North side from here!”

Sore from the climb, and from being ignored, Theodore made the last push to the top. There, he found a nice flat stretch of solid ground and collapsed. Oboe took the liberty of tilting his head towards the view.

“You can see the Upside Hills from here, and Fishmen lake! Oh, and the Fount too! If we were a little higher we might be able to see the Twilight Grotto, but if you squint you can see where the Farbend starts!”

Theodore felt the wind on his face and sat up. It was odd for him to realize the valley contained so much. The Whirlwood had always just been a vague blob on a map. It was a notion, more than a place. “You really know your way around,” he said.

“Yeah. I have a lot of time to wander.” Her gaze dropped, and the excitement drained from her face. “…I found this spot ‘cause I thought I might be able to see the Fairy Circle if I climbed high enough, but that was stupid. You can’t. There’s too many spells on it.”

They lapsed into a moment of quiet. Oboe shook her head. “Sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Theodore said.

“I’m wasting your time. You’re important.” She trotted toward the trees. “The Boroughs are this way!”

Theodore wanted to rest a bit longer, but before he could object she raced off into the trees. He rolled onto his feet to follow.

They entered a grove and Theodore stopped dead in his tracks. All around the trees were gutted, just like the ones where he found Oboe. Dozens were torn open to splinters, knocked down, or stripped bare.

“Here we are!” Oboe said. “This is where I saw Lemmy!”

Theodore stared. Something large and angry had come through, and Theodore had a sense that this would not be the last time.

Theodore wandered through the grove, finding carnage in every direction. Inside the trees he could see little bedrooms, kitchens, and homes carved out and bisected.

“What happened here?” Theodore said, running his hand over the opening.

“Trolls.” Oboe said, picking a tiny teapot off the ground and placing it on the little kitchen table. “The Red Caps came through here looking for recruits. If anybody didn’t want to join, they started smashing their home up. Most of the gnomes ran.”

Theodore imagined a creature with the strength to split a tree in half and winced. “They were the ones that kidnapped this gnome kid?”

Oboe nodded.

“I… I can’t do this.” Theodore said. “I can’t fight something this strong. I don’t even stand a chance.”

She tilted her head. “I thought you weren’t gonna fight anyone at all?”

“I don’t want to!” He pointed at the tree. “Am I supposed to reason with the monsters who did this?! What do you expect me to do?”

Oboe shrugged. “I’m not the Ranger Deputy. They put you in charge to figure this sort of thing out, right? That’s your job.”

Theodore stood straight again. “I suppose you’re right.” He loathed admitting it. Until he found a way out of the job, he had an obligation to see this through. There was no clocking out until every last form had been filed. “Fine. Which way did they go?”

Oboe gave a bigger shrug. “I dunno.”

“What?! I thought you said you saw what happened!”

“Yeah!” She said. “…Well, most of it. I remember Lemmy being here. He’s the one that smells like mud and walnuts, and he was almost my friend once. When the Red Caps started smashing stuff, I got upset and told them to stop. That’s why Silas had the trolls stuff me in that awful iron cage. I couldn’t change shape or anything!”

Theodore rubbed his face. “…So you have no idea what happened after that.”

Oboe struggled to produce an even bigger shrug.

“This is hopeless!” He said. “How am I going to find them? Were there any other witnesses?”

Before she could attempt a shrug beyond her physical capacity, she stopped. “Oh! I know! We can ask the birds!”

“…Birds?”

Oboe hopped into a sprint, leading Theodore to the edge of the borough. There, she cupped her hands around her mouth to shout.

“Hey birds! Birds! Get out here! Hey!!”

A cascade of sparrows and finches wheeled out of the trees and settled in rows on hanging branches. They glanced in every direction, trilling, chirping, and preening.

“Hello! Hello!” One said. “What do you want??”

“Uh. Good afternoon.” Theodore stepped up. “I am Ranger Deputy Theodore Grayweather. I’m investigating the disappearance of a gnome. Did any of you happen to see anything?”

“Ya. We see lots of stuff.” The others chimed in after. “Trees.” “Grass.” “A faun, a human.” “Clouds?”  “There’s a big rock over there.” “Trees!” the first insisted again.

“Incredible.” Theodore shot Oboe a scowl. “These are witnesses? Are these even real birds? Or are they magic like you?”

Oboe looked offended. “These are normal talking birds.”

“I’m actually a gnome.” The leftmost finch said.

She pointed. “Except him.”

Theodore pushed up his glasses to fully bury his face in his palms. After he fully consigned himself to his fate, he resumed questioning.

“A young gnome was carried off from here the other day by a pack of trolls. They wore red caps. Did any of see where they might have gone?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah! They trashed this joint and ran off to the caves. Yeah.”

Theodore opened his eyes. “What caves? Where?”

The flock broke into a frenzy of warbles. “Crookhole Mine!”

Theodore froze, staring at the gaping mouth of the mine. It sat up at the end of the trail, nestled among the foothills, waiting for him. The sight sent his heart pounding and reminded him of a long time ago when he was small and trapped.

“I’ve been here before,” he said.

“You have?” Oboe looked surprised. “Do you do a lot of smuggling?”

Theodore raised an eyebrow. “What’re you talking about?”

“All sorts of sneaky, crimey creatures LOVE Crookhole Mine.” She wiggled her fingers, presumably to mime being a criminal. “There’s all this fossilized magic in the ground, and it makes it hard to find anybody. It’s hard to smell anything, and human gizmos get all confused.”

“I see.” No doubt the mine was abandoned once the University discovered how to purify wild magic from the Fount. “And now it’s being used by the Red Caps.”

Flags flew over the entrance. Scraps and torn rags ripped from knight uniforms were sewn together and dyed red. Theodore crossed the threshold and into the dark, wondering why life had conspired to bring him here again.

The memory of falling urged Theodore to creep forward with careful footing, with Oboe following right behind. They stepped over snarled minecart tracks, and the shadows grew deeper as they strayed farther from daylight. The quiet heightened every sound; the crunch of their own footsteps put Theodore on edge. He wanted an excuse to turn back, to say they had delved deep enough and nothing could be done, but a job left half done did not sit right with him.

The path forked. Cart rails dipped into the dark one way, and along the other there were bright lanterns strung along the tunnels walls. The lamps were new, burning magic with a faint hum. If anyone was to be found down here, it would be this way.

The lights led them into a wide chamber. Upturned minecarts were stripped of their wheels and repurposed into tables. Bedding of various sizes was padded over the hard ground. A single gnome was slumped across a pillow, drooling.

“Is this him?” Theodore said, whispering.

Oboe sniffed. “Hard to tell. I think so, but I can’t get his scent. Gnomes all look the same to me. Just cute little blobs.”

“He might be one of the Red Caps,” Theodore said. “What do we do?”

“Let’s try asking him,” Oboe said, and started shaking the gnome. “Hey! Wake up!”

Theodore choked back a scream as the gnome plopped off his pillow onto the cave floor. It yawned, rolled onto its butt, and blinked at them.

“Are you Lemmy?” Oboe said.

“Yeah.” He rubbed the sleep from his eyes. His quills were cream colored, and one of his fangs was chipped. He wore a little mantle embroidered with a molehill.

Theodore was astounded by their luck. “Your mother sent us! We’re here to save you.”

“Save me?” Lemmy said. “I don’t need any saving.”

“What are you talking about?” Oboe lifted him by the scruff. “You got kidnapped by the Red Caps, so we’re here to rescue you!”

The gnome wriggled free and dropped to the floor. “Nobody kidnapped me! I joined ’cause I wanted! Silas told me we’re gonna get rid of the humans! It’s gonna be awesome.” It was at this point the gnome was awake enough to really look at Theodore. “Oh hey. I remember you. You’re that string bean human who got in the way when we were attacking the train!”

Theodore pinched at his brewing headache. It seemed Mahala neglected to mention some key details. “Lemmy. I’m not just any human. I’m the Ranger Deputy, and you’re in a heap of trouble. You joined a group of wanted outlaws!”

“So?” Lemmy crossed his arms. “Silas said that won’t matter once the humans are gone. It’s going to be way better without you around.”

Theodore scoffed. “What’s wrong with humans?”

“You think you’re so much better than us creatures ’cause you’ve got your city and your jobs and your money. Lots of us here in the Whirl need jobs. We want it nice like you’ve got it or how the Circle’s got it. You don’t care. You don’t want to help us. All you do is make it harder all the time! Well, after we kick all you out we’ll take all the jobs and money and then you’ll be sorry!”

Theodore felt a strange discomfort. He thought about all the creatures who’d come through the office needing work visas, license renewals, and other essential documents needed to enter the capital. “I see,” he said. This was a problem, but it did not excuse violence. It did not make attacking the train the right thing to do.

“So, what happens if this plan doesn’t work?” Theodore said. “What if you get arrested instead?”

Lemmy stared at him. This outcome had apparently never crossed his mind.

“I’ll tell you what will happen,” Theodore said. “You’ll get hauled before the court with a charge of treason. You’ll be labeled wicked, and be jailed or executed. Then your mother is going to stop talking about you, like she does with your uncle.”

There was a long pause. Uncertainty crept into the gnome’s face. “Is mom mad?” Panic set in. “…I don’t want her to be mad at me. Do you have any idea what she’s like?”

Something huge dropped from the ceiling and shook the ground. Theodore turned around to find a massive spider-like creature looming over them, covered in dangling locks of ragged hair. Its mouth opened, two thirds of its body and lined with giant molars. It smiled.

“What’ve we got here?”